AH's behaviour got worse and worse. Before Christmas the kids and I spent a couple days away from the house. His family were involved, and they tried to convince him to go for help. He said he wanted help, but for his anger issues, not for addiction issues. When the kids and I came back things were good for a few days, and started going downhill again.
Then he said he quit smoking pot, and on Christmas Day he quit smoking cigs. That week AH started with the patch.
Things got very tense, and he seemed to be on the verge of an outburst all the time. Stress was very high, the kids were feeling it and acting badly, I felt miserable. He had been to the doctor and gotten pills to help him quit smoking, and other pills that were supposed to help with pain, trying several different options. Pain is his main reason cited for smoking pot.
Just over two weeks ago, after he had an embarrassing fit in a local restaurant, and after we were home and he had taken time to calm down, I told him that I was not going to stand by and watch him pitch a fit in front of the kids anymore. If he was going to pitch a fit, he needed to go out of the house, or I would take the kids and go, but either way the kids were not going to be subjected to that anymore. That was a Saturday.
He thought I said "get out" so he packed a bag and left. Over the rest of the weekend he left and came back several times, and ended up leaving without contacting us for 4 days.
During that time I worked from home, made arrangements for the kids to get to school and daycare, found a carpool to get into the city to work, and started to organize my life around him not being there. Eventually he contacted me and said he wanted to come home.
I politely asked him to stay away until he got himself sorted out. He found a T and started Anger Management. We have had several actual conversations since that time, although more of them ended with him hanging up on me than not, at least they were without shouting and name calling.
He says he is still clean, still not smoking, and working on the anger. He wants to come home. I know he has had several cigarettes at least, since his family has seen him smoking. I had a long talk with him, explained that the drugs are a deal breaker, the anger and the lies are also deal breakers. I explained I thought it would take a long time to work things out, before we could live together again.
He is trying to come to the house to see the kids more often now. He has come the past two weekends, but now wants to take the kids to activities during the week - activities I can't get them to. I don't know how to feel about that. I don't know if this is an honest attempt to really get straight, or if it is acting in order to be able to slip back into the ould routines again.
Today he called me at work to yell at me, I refused to participate. I sent him a text message explaining I am at work, and my colleagues are listening. He went right back to the old pattern, telling me I think he is good for nothing, and that it is my fault he is not at the house and I have all the work to do myself. I had told him I would go to speak to a T with him, if he made the appointment. He managed to give that back to me, saying I could probably get free counselling through work, and I should make the appointment, since he is the one getting help for himself, I should be proving I am willing to fix my problems.
I don't want to call the counselling place from my desk, or from the hallway, and it is freaking cold outside! -33C right now. I am NOT calling from outside either :o
Last week the kids and I had such a relaxed week. There was no fighting, no yelling, very little bad behaviour. People at work kept commenting about my smile. I went out on the weekend with a friend, just adults, and I didn't have to worry about what was happening at home with AH and the kids, fi they were getting yelled at etc. since they were with my family.
Now that AH called me to yell at me at work, because he asked me why I was upset last evening when he picked up DS for floor hockey, and I explained that he had made me feel bad for shovelling the laneway, he undid some work I had done at the house while looking for the hockey helmet, and put more pressure and work on my already full plate, expecting me to get the gear together and have homework and dinner done early, in order to take DS to floor hockey, which AH signed DS up for in an attempt to appease my requirement that he start to put the kids and their needs ahead of his own.
I don't feel ready to have him back in the house, and I don't know how to know if he is being truthful, since he lies about everything and anything regularly, knowing full well that people who know the truth first-hand will be talking to the person he is currently lieing to. How can you ever trust an A, or RA? How can I know if he is really an RA now?
I have taken a giant leap and landed on my feet, but now I don't know if I should run or reach back to pull (R?)AH along and go forward together.