One thing I am struggling to understand is the relationship between having needs met by a partner and not relying on others to meet one's own needs. For example, as I noted above, I wanted to feel wanted; I wanted validation, both physical and emotional. But, aside from the physical need, doesn't that contrast with the "goal" (I can't think of a better word here) of not needing others to validate our emotions? Does that make sense?
In an ideal world we are all fully whole when we meet our partner. The relationship is just icing on an already fine cake that doesn't need any icing to be good, but it just makes it better. Theoretically.
In reality none of us even know fully what it means to be whole. It would be an interesting topic to explore at length. What we understand is that we are in good standing with ourselves, our community, our families, our employment. Issues have been dealt with and are resolved or nearly so.
I think in reality that validation from others is necessary. No man is an island, stuff.
And then there's using another person as a crutch. That's partially why rebounds fail.
I remember when I met my husband I told him --I don't NEED you, I WANT you. I think that outlook was healthy.