BeYourself1

I am curious to know if anyone else has cheated (be it emotional, a simple kiss or what may have you) on his/her alcoholic partner. I kissed another guy (and, for irony, I wouldn't be intimate with my ABF while he was drinking, but I kiss a guy while drunk - man, what a mess!). After my ABF found out what happened, wow, did I see his bad side. I thought that if I took his abuse and "paid my penance" that we could get to a better place. Obviously, NOW, I see my faulty thinking. But, when you are in the mix, it can be challenging to think clearly. After about a year, we finally parted ways. Of course, there is way more back story, but I am working on not constantly jumping to defending myself (a work in progress, for sure).

The things he said during that period are still present in my brain. They will randomly pop up in the middle of the day and I allow them to put me in a bad spot. When I think about what I put up with….wow. What was I thinking?

Has anyone cheated on his/her partner? Did you try to work things out? Did you put up with abuse? How are you handling things today?

Thank you in advance for sharing. I am so ashamed of my behavior. I have wanted to post about this topic for over a year, but have been too ashamed/embarrassed/etc. Here goes nothing...

Hammer

naw. Sounds like a lot of drama.

I think most of here have all the drama (actually more than) we can stand.

Breezie

I never have cheated on my spouse, but I will be honest, I thought about it.

I felt totally trapped in my marriage, and my crazy brain thinking was if I cheated, he'd leave, and I would be free of my (self imposed) prison. This also probably appealed to my codie "someone else will save me!" side. I never was in that position tho, so who knows if I would have actually followed thru with it. I'd like to say I wouldn't have, but it would be disingenuous for me to say that for sure.

choublak

God no.

Stung

When I was a kid my mom was cheated on by her second husband before they got divorced, so I have strong personal feelings about cheating. It's not something that I'd ever consider as an option.

Sorry it's tearing you up so much. I don't think that it's okay for him to punish/abuse you for what you did though. Either he forgives you or he doesn't.

LadyinBC

I'm an alcoholic and I would be the last person to judge you. Every single one of us makes mistakes and I'm telling you that dwelling on this and being ashamed does nothing for you. Just keeps you in that same place. What's done is done and you can't go back and change anything. Forgive yourself, hold your head up high and keep it in the past. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Yurt

BeYourself,
I certainly understand your unwillingness to post about this and risk the judgement that might follow. This is one reason I have not posted much on the forum recently myself. Back in September, I posted a thread about how a friendship was evolving into something deeper, and the advice, of course, was to, Stop Now. After reading some of your previous posts, I can see that you and I were in a similar place. Living with an A that drinks every night, verbal abuse, no intimacy, and little thought from our A's for our feelings or desires. So, yes, that does leave a big hole where we once thought we might find love. It is understandable that you might respond to someone that is attentive, and sees you as a lovable person. I agree with LadyinBC, in that you will do yourself no good by feeling shameful. It is time to move on. Perhaps with the help of Al Anon or a counselor?
As for myself, I have not followed the well meaning advice of others, and have become much closer to my "friend". There is nothing physical beyond an occasional hug or kiss, but I know that I am in deep. So, this leaves me very conflicted at the moment. I have to continually ask myself if my responses to my AH are a result of his actions, or my desire to just be finished with this marriage so that I can move forward. It is very stressful, and of course difficult to talk about. I understand why you were hesitant to open up.

Hammer

Pondered this a little, but just a little, over breakfast.

You are upset with yourself over a kiss? A kiss? Am I missing something . . . is that like a euphemism for something else?

I am not seeing the crisis. Not that I have even kissed anyone else -- I guess I have received a couple of odd "boob hugs" at Alanon. That freaked me out. But the owner of my favorite coffee bar makes a "raspberry kiss" coffee -- I have amused myself that I should ask her for the kiss part. But have not.

But really a kiss? Sorry, I do not see the crime.

But like I was mentioning -- so many of *us* on Alanon side are so "victimy" that we cannot do much aggressive.

I know a guy is supposed to want to do a 1000 women or something . . . but I am much more like into doing the same woman a 1000 times. Sort of perfecting the project or something.

Only one time did I ever get picked up for a quicky or whatever at a 2 am close out at a bar. Years and years ago. Girl took me to her place. (see what a poosy bytch I am? Girls pick me up. God, I am pathetic) While the hardware works, the software does not. I can do my part, but I cannot "finish" unless I feel some love, trust, and closeness. So what is the point?

kdjom

BeYourself - I understand what you are saying. I did have an emotional affair for about a month after everything blew up with my rAH. It felt good to have someone pay attention to me in that way after living for so many years without even a crumb of intimacy. It never became physical, but I so wanted it to. So don't beat yourself up. We are human and we make mistakes. We are more vulnerable given our situations.

Yurt ... I understand what you are saying too. If it was so easy to just stop, I believe we would. It is that heady feeling of being desired and wanted that makes it so very, very hard. It also opens our eyes up to what we need and want in our lives. If my rAH can't provide that to me then I honestly don't know that we'll be able to move forward. I love my rAH, but I am not IN love with him - there is no spark between us. He comes home next week and I hope that there will be a chance for us to rekindle that part of our lives, but I am very anxious and hesitant to ever believe it could be true. Only time will tell what happens between us.

dandylion

Beyourself---Yes.....I fell into that situation, once (years ago) when I was in a relationship with a boyfriend that was in the process of going sour. I felt "bad" about it at the time....however...looking back, later....it was not such a bad thing---because it sent me the message, loud and clear, that I was in a relationship that was not good for me and I needed to end it. My boyfriend was not treating me the way that I needed to be. I should have ended it sooner....or, better yet...not entered a committed relationship with him at all.

Now, I'm not ashamed of it any more....I know that I am not an unfaithful type person. I was a hurting person who got caught up in the moment and made a bad choice. I didn't tell my boyfriend either. The "kiss" was not the problem--the whole relationship was the problem! Thank God that I had the sense to end the relationship--cause I believe that it would have led me to a more permanent life misery.

We ALL become vulnerable when our primary relationship IS NOT MEETING OUR BASIC NEEDS. It is human nature--even our biology throws powerful hormones into the mix!!!
The biggest issue is what are we going to do about our primary relationship??

Fix it, if possible (it isn't, always) or end it, if necessary. It is damaging to beat up on ourselves too much.

I, also, don't think that "confession" is always the right thing to do. This is individual to the situation, of course. We need to weigh out how important it is to hurt the other person against relieving our own "guilt".

I think it is more important to work on yourself---to gain more self-understanding----than to just beat-up on yourself.

It may be best to let it be A LESSON LEARNED---that we can't avoid dealing with a bad relationship forever. We have to fix it or leave it. If not--we get burned by the fire.

Take it easy on yourself!!!!

dandylion

LifeRecovery

My marriage ended in part because of my husband's affair....it was the wake up call I needed to start dealing with the problem drinking too. The alcohol was harder for me to deal with.

The support groups for affairs state that recovery from an affair takes 2-5 years. I have been using this as my guidepost for both the recovery from the alcohol AND the recovery from the affair.

It might have been just a kiss, but it is holding a lot of space in your heart/mind, and it might be for your husband's also. For me the emotional part of my ex's affair was the worst part....not the physical.

What kind of support do you have for you, about the drinking, but about support for what has been keeping you stuck around this relationship (with your hubby and with this kiss)?

This journey has taught me that if I don't work on myself to heal myself, I will never be able to be intimate (truly, deeply in touch) with anyone else. That is what struck me about your post.

dandylion

Beyourself---I agree with Hammer here---it was a kiss...just a stupid kiss...not the end of the world!! It is far more important, in my opinion, that your boyfriend abused you. I think that is the real problem.

Victims of abuse often think that they are the blame for "everything" that happens. Please avoid taking on more than your share of responsibility for what happened. Look at the bigger picture. You realized your "mistake"....and took a lot of "puishment" for it. T continue to beat-up on yourself is like paying a double price. Even our legal system doesn't make people be convicted twice for the same crime---(not that you committed a crime...LOL).

dandylion

Hammer

Another thing -- when/if you do the Step Work.

You will cover this in Step 4. Maybe let it rest until then.

I was going over my Step 4 book this morning at breakfast, and it covers this type stuff, and why I was thinking about it.

I am not really to Step 4 in my Step Study Group, but I have a bad habit of reading ahead. Way ahead. Read my ODAAT book (One Day At A Time) in one day. So I have tried to quit that type stuff, but I really, really, really want to get an A+ in my Step Study Group. (Yes I am FULLY Aware Just How Totally ******** That Is), and I figured out in College that if read ahead in 5 books for any given class, I would know more than the Professor. [Note to self: Must-Stop-Brain-Clouds-From-Blocking-Out-Sunshine-To-Heart, Dumbass]

boldaslove

I think dandylion summed up perfectly how I feel about cheating. For me, it was a sign the relationship was lacking something crucial that I needed. Definitely a sign that I either needed to figure out what that was and if it was fixable or get out of the relationship.

lillamy

Nope. But not because I'm a fantastic upstanding morally superior being, but because ffs, I barely had the energy to get through the day. The idea of an affair never even arose in my brain and it was probably also due to the fact that AXH had managed to convince me I was a fat ugly cow that nobody would want.

So in a weird way, the fact that you have enough confidence to kiss another dude might be a good sign. Not that I would encourage any more drama. But still.

formyboys

As someone who has been cheated on, I will say that it was horribly lonely living with my XAH for 17 years before he finally went into an out patient rehab...for our marriage to end by me catching him in our bed with another woman, was and still is the most painful thing I have ever gone through.
I understand the position you were/are in...as I said before I was pretty lonely and use to fantasize about meeting a caring person who would listen and hug me and tell me it would all be ok...after being cheated on, and experiencing first hand what a complete and total mind screw it is, I would never in my life do that to another human being. It literally changed who I am...and not for the better.

dandylion

formyboys---I don't think anyone is advocating to step outside of committed relationships--I certainly don't!! It is going where even angels fear to tread....everybody involved gets burned by the fire...everybody.

That is why being in a dysfunctional relationship---without fixing it is sooo dangerous.

In a dysfunctional relationship---staying or ignoring the dysfunction will eventually burn everyone with its flames. And, turning to someone else will also cause everyone involved to get burned by the flames.

Once the mistake has been made---history cannot be undone--the only way forward is to fix the mistakes. Sometimes, our lessons are learned through great pain--one way or another.

I would, in no way, try to minimize your pain.

dandylion

atalose

I think we need to learn from our past relationships, rather than beat ourselves up over them. I agree it was a kiss but none the less it made you feel UNCOMFORTBLE with yourself that it even happened.

I'm glad you parted ways a year ago and hopefully you are getting on a healthier approach to life.

I once heard this after a meeting, codependents are like monkeys - Monkey’s don’t let go of one branch until they have grasped onto another. Many codependents are similar with relationships.

And I think as long as we seek validation and worth from others –our relationships are doomed to fail.

You don’t like how your actions and behavior have made you feel, good news is, you can change that behavior moving forward so you will never feel shame from those kind of actions again.

4MyBoys

If I have learned anything from my experiences from living with an A, I don't ever judge others decisions.

My opinion though is a kiss with another is so minor in the large scheme of things, don't beat yourself over it. My A liked to beat me down for any of my weak spots because he could not fix his own major glaring one. Sounds like this is what may have happened to you. Chalk it up to a life experience .....

4MyBoys

BeYourself1

Hi guys,

Thank you for being so supportive and not dragging me over the coals (not that I think SR folks would, but cheating has such a nasty social stigma). I found a lot of comfort in your posts. Yes, it was just a kiss. Of course, I didn't want/intend/hope it would happen. I just wanted to feel wanted. Does that make sense? As for blowing it out of proportion, I now see that it was not the end of the world. But, as you guys know, when you are deep in the forest, it can be easy to take the blame for the entire world and turn a molehill into a mountain.

Moving forward, I will certainly take this experience as a lesson and not let a relationship get soooo dysfunctional that something like this could occur again (as Dandylion noted).

I was reluctant to share this with any of my friends for fear of being judged. I only told a handful of people and most were understanding. However, my mother (can you believe that?) actually said to me, "I would never do that". Ugh, so judgmental! Needless to say, after a few more critical comments on her part, I no longer speak to her about this topic, or much of anything else. This situation has taught me not to judge another person until I have been in their shoes. You know, we like to think we know how we would act, but you don't know for sure until you are in the scenario. That really came through in many of your posts and it put me at ease.

One thing I am struggling to understand is the relationship between having needs met by a partner and not relying on others to meet one's own needs. For example, as I noted above, I wanted to feel wanted; I wanted validation, both physical and emotional. But, aside from the physical need, doesn't that contrast with the "goal" (I can't think of a better word here) of not needing others to validate our emotions? Does that make sense?

Thanks again guys, really