One thing I am struggling to understand is the relationship between having needs met by a partner and not relying on others to meet one's own needs. For example, as I noted above, I wanted to feel wanted; I wanted validation, both physical and emotional. But, aside from the physical need, doesn't that contrast with the "goal" (I can't think of a better word here) of not needing others to validate our emotions? Does that make sense?
this is a really good question. as autonomous beings, ultimately we rely upon ourselves for self respect, validation, and worth. however, the whole point of being IN a close/intimate relationship with another is love and companionship. we LIKE the other person and they LIKE us!! we like their sense of humor, wit, lazer beam blue eyes and that they have the nicest @ss on the planet (drawing from personal experience here!). we like that they like our ****-eyed view of the world, our love of sports, our caring ways and that we NEVER fail to surprise them, still, 11 years later. we ENJOY each other....we GET something from BEING together. we feel welcomed like a favored guest and comfortable like being in our favorite pj's.
a relationship void of the above is not a RELATIONSHIP anymore...it's two people sharing space and in conflict, or simple lack of caring anymore. if there is addiction or abuse it becomes more like a stark cold jail cell. and we start looking for anyone who might the key. then one day we reach into our own pocket and realize we had the key the whole time! and we don't NEED another to bail us out...we can extricate ourselves from the cold loveless void and rely again upon ourselves to prop us up and heal.