Originally Posted by
nowinsituation 
Yes, I cheated on my AH while we were married. I still try to minimize it to myself, that it was "just" an emotional affair, ummmm.... except for that one time when we kissed..... oh and then after AH and I were separated; well that doesn't count because, ummm, we were separated. Oh and my affair partner was married, but "that's his problem, not mine".
The back story is more complicated, and provides plenty more opportunities for me to minimize and deny that what I did was wrong. I did LOTS of step work on this with my sponsor in Alanon. I accept responsibility for my part in it; I made my amends; and it is part of my past....
It was something I needed to get through, to get where I am today. It's almost indescribable the emotions I was feeling during that time. It was like I had woken up from years of being asleep, or even dead. It helped me realize that I had to end my marriage; not to pursue a relationship with my affair partner - but because I was so strongly attracted to him that I knew my marriage was dead. Somehow, the affair gave me the courage and confidence to move forward. A silver lining so to speak.
But, that's where I start to justify, minimize, and deny.....
The bold part is the part that scares me ... but also makes me think as well ... my attraction to the man I had an emotional affair with feels so very strong. It makes me think that maybe my marriage is dead and it is crazy for trying to convince myself to even give it a try. The other side of me thinks that it is crazy not to try ... I am so very, very confused and so very, very unhappy in life right now.
Today my doctor finally felt a need to put me on something to see if this helps me start to clear my head a little from the weight of depression. I was hesitant but she made some good points. Maybe if I clear this depression I will be less confused?? I don't know ... I don't feel like I know anything anymore ...
rAH comes home from rehab next Thursday. I am so anxious about his return. I hear things from so many sides in my family. It makes me worry more. I just don't know what to expect or what to think. All I know is that I do need to focus on me more and that is tough with all of the things we still have to face ahead of us ...