Originally Posted by
BeYourself1 
One thing I am struggling to understand is the relationship between having needs met by a partner and not relying on others to meet one's own needs. For example, as I noted above, I wanted to feel wanted; I wanted validation, both physical and emotional. But, aside from the physical need, doesn't that contrast with the "goal" (I can't think of a better word here) of not needing others to validate our emotions? Does that make sense?
Thanks again guys, really
I totally get this ... makes complete sense what you are asking. I ask myself the same thing. With my emotional affair I wanted that validation - physically and emotionally. We were never physical - he put the brakes on, but I would have been willing as much as I hate to admit that. I hadn't felt wanted or desired for years and years in my marriage. I am grateful that he did put the brakes on ... in some ways but in some ways I would like to feel that gratification - and yes that sounds awful but I was so numb when my hubby hit rock bottom and I blocked all else out ....
It did make me realize that there was a side of me that was not dead and that I do indeed need to feel wanted and desired. I get that rAH is not capable of this right now and I have to give that some time, but it is something that I want in our relationship - amongst other changes that will have to happen as well. I am only 40 ... lots of life left in there yet
It completely contrasts with us not needing others to feel validated ... but I think we are in such a state of yearning and loneliness that we just don't have it in us to validate ourselves. Once we are stronger and feeling better about ourselves we should be able to think more clearly and do just that. It is so very, very hard to admit ... but we are not bad people because we made a mistake. (((hugs)))