I'm pretty fortunate in that my life is okay. I mean, all of the external stuff is good!
Alcohol has been a huge crutch for me from a very young age. So, I do have a lot of work to do. I'm sure so many of you guys can relate to that! I'm finally facing my internal chaos.
I am dealing with mental illness... I don't like to talk/think about it very much. I don't like to admit it, and I don't like for people to know about it. It's not something anyone can know by looking at me or without knowing me pretty well. I'm trying hard to do what is required of me in therapy/treatment. I'm finally being honest about what I experience. I'm trying to let my guard down and accept the help that is being offered to me. I'm super compliant with my meds. I'm throwing everything at this and the kitchen sink. I really believe that if I work hard enough- I can get well. It's a marathon and not a sprint- and ya know... marathons are hard man! LOL (just an FYI, I'm not using this as any type of "excuse"- it's just true and actually even MORE of a reason to never pick up- mental illness and alcohol are not friends.)
I'm in a weird sort of limbo where I have removed what was pretty much the only coping strategy that I've learned- but I haven't yet developed enough other skills to fill the gap. Does that make sense??? Right now things are probably about as hard as they're gonna get. (knock on wood!!)
I don't mean to seem like I feel sorry for myself. It does makes me sad to feel so fearful and stuck, when I really want more for me and for my life. It's also scary. In some ways, it really was "easier" to keep up my old ways than to learn new ones. I didn't have to face these mental issues. And now that I am, there's really no going back.
I thought taking a break would be good. But, Dee is right- my "break" kinda' spiraled into my frozen fear mode again. Although, I am kind of glad that this happened. It's giving me the opportunity to see which things I really need to work on right now. I'm recognizing patterns in my behavior and thinking that probably wouldn't have registered before. I would've just poured some booze on that crap, and let it drown! LOL
Apparently, I have learned some new skills. Just to be dealing with this phase and with these feelings- WITHOUT drinking - is something I think I can be proud of. That's really more impressive to me than the 50 days or whatever. You know??
It might not be pretty, but I'm doing it! God help us all. ;-)