Notices

50 days- Having a hard time.

Old 01-21-2014, 11:03 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
EverySngleNight's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 552
50 days- Having a hard time.

50... five-oh, FIFTY. Fitty days! Not that I'm counting them. :-P But, I guess I'm kind of proud to be sober for fifty days.

I don't know. It's really hard to be proud or happy about it. I'm just afraid. Maybe it's healthy fear?

I'm grateful for this forum. I spend a lot of time here, reading and posting. Too much probably. I've taken to SR and doing my nails. Those are my new addictions. LOL (srsly, you should see my nail polish collection!)

I still have so much work to do. This is a phase where things get difficult. You spend all of this time and energy staying sober and you got it- but life is still life, and it requires more.

I've known that quitting wasn't going to fix everything. But, when I see the huge pile of things that I need to deal with, and the things within myself that still need to be addressed and repaired- I feel very overwhelmed. Not so overwhelmed that I'll drink over it. But, there have been times when I struggle. I think, "It was easier to just drink and tune it all out, than to deal with all of this." "Why did I ever open this can of worms?"

I know it will only benefit me to stay on course, even though it's hard. I know it's going to take time. But, I do feel very overwhelmed by realizing how much more I have to do.

I'm shutting down lately and I feel kind of stuck. I'm zoning out and not really dealing with the things that I need to deal with. My motivation and energy is very low. It was before too.

Alcohol "helped" in that it boosted my energy and gave me the courage to make the phone calls I needed to make, and handle things that are difficult for me when I'm sober. So my struggle right now is learning how to be effective without it.

I'm supposed to call my IOP counsellor back, but I haven't listened to her messages because I feel very anxious about it. I was supposed to set a couple of doctor's appointments as part of my therapy- and I haven't been able to. I'm supposed to find an outside activity to participate in with other people (some sort of class- like yoga, or art etc.), and I'm too afraid to even get started. I'm failing to do these assignments and so I'm afraid to report to my counsellor- and it's all piling up and shutting me down more and more.

My family has been trying to get ahold of me and I'm not really talking to them- so they're getting worried. (they don't know about any of this stuff and it's hard for me to talk to them and just "shoot the breeze") So, I feel a lot of pressure there too.

I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know how to fix it. I'm trying to keep my chin up. I'm keeping up with my personal appearance and I'm keeping my home much better... but I'm still not cutting the mustard. Everything feels like too much. But, I want to do better.
EverySngleNight is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 11:08 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
PurpleKnight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey ESN, That's fantastic, Great Job on 50 Days!!

Don't be too hard on yourself, you're Sober, and that's something to be proud of, everything else will fall into place!!
PurpleKnight is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 11:25 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
anchorbird's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 377
Congrats on 50 days! I totally understand how you are feeling. Right around that time for me is when I started questioning sobriety, and guess what, I relapsed. I am moving forward, I won't give up!

We can't fix everything over night. Make a list of what is important to you, what you want to work on in your life. That is something I am going to keep close to me.
anchorbird is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 11:32 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
marchHazel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Pa
Posts: 62
Hello,
Thanks for posting. Thats really great you've been able to stop. A few days ago I couldn't get a day without drinking or using. Now having 50 is my goal but if I think even a few days ahead of today I become full of fear that I will fail. All progress will be lost. I can though just stay in today and that I seem to be able to handle. Even have to take things a second at time too when it bad and that may last a while. Hang on. I see there is hope now. For so long I didn't. I was blind and hopeless. I thought death was the only way out. I was and still am very sick. I go from knowing I want to change, to questioning everything, to hating life and full of fear and then back to just saying the serenity prayer and Im struggling with my faith in a Higher Power. Early recovery can be rough but I know from past experience it does get easier.

So take care and even if you don't realize it someone read your post, saw your effort and thought to themselves, " Hmmm, Maybe if I could get 50 days also!" it often works like that.

Be well.
marchHazel is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 11:40 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
lovingit's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 393
Hi there. I'm feeling everything you are. I use those moments that I feel good (and I know you get them), to tackle what needs to get done. Even if it's the first 5 minutes from waking up...make a phone call or answer an email. Some days that's all I'll get accomplished.

May I ask how long you drank for?

And very well done on your sober time. Embrace it!
lovingit is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 11:40 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
DuhDave's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: FLAAADAH
Posts: 793
Congrats on 50...

You know, this could well be your AV rearing it's ugly little head. It is trying to inject impatience into your mind. You know us addicts want it (what ever "it" is) and we want it NOW !!!...and we wont be happy until we get it.

Best op...look up "Patience" in the dictionary. Read it...and read it again, and again, and again. Soon it will reveal something to you. What ?...only you will know.

Things will get done, one thing at a time. Thats plenty for now. It's still early.
I believe you're feeling overwhelmed because your looking at the "Whole, BIG, picture". Cut the whole, big, picture up into little, manageable, "puzzle pieces" if you will.

Before long, you will be looking at a piece of the puzzle and wondering where it goes...then the piece that it connects to will reveal itself and then the next, and the next, and the next...

The next realization is the best one. When you have made some headway you soon realize your are putting the puzzle of your life back together again and one day not too long from now it will be complete and guess what?

The picture, (your life) turns out to be something entirely different than what you thought it would be and much more grand and glorious than anything you could have imagined would be !

Be patient, stay the course, Never, Ever give it. When they say "It just gets better" they're right.

It gets better and better forever !

Dave
DuhDave is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 11:49 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Magsie
 
Mags1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,506
Hi EverySngleNight, congratulations on 50 days, brilliant.

I love nail polishes also, a wide collection of colours, I match my mood with them, sometimes, lol.

Stick with it, keep sober, baby steps, try not to run before you can walk.

It is certainly worth it, it is all new to our minds and it needs along with our body to recover, time and a bit more time, patience and the want to. x
Mags1 is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 11:50 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,670
Congrats on fifty days sober! What you're going thru could be Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome, or PAWS. Google it for a definition. It just is the brain getting back to normal functioning and it takes a while. Stay sober. Work on one thing at a time. Take good care of yourself.
least is online now  
Old 01-21-2014, 12:25 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tiptree's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Brooklyn, ny
Posts: 734
Sounds like you put a lot of pressure on you. I don't do AA but do like their insights one of which is to keep things simple. 50 days is fantastic but maybe you are expecting too much of yourself. When I decided to be sober my only goal was not to drink by any means necessary. If that means lots of nail polish, reading blogs, going to bed at 6 pm, staying away from stressful people or situations, tuning out, eating carbs, so be it. If it takes 50 days or x amt of time to get out of my little sobriety shell, ok, I accept that. I'm at 120 days now and it's a different experience than 50 days. And it's better. Don't feel bad or have any guilt about your feelings, just be damn proud of yourself!
Tiptree is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 01:55 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
EverySngleNight's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 552
Thanks guys...

Historically, I have a really hard time asking for the help that I need. I read over my post here and all of your responses.

I can see very clearly that I am definitely in danger of relapsing in my current state... My thoughts as far as it being "easier" when I was drinking, or "regretting" opening this can of worms- are pretty freaking blatant red flags. You know? I recognized that as soon as the thoughts came up..AV. So far, I've been stronger than those thoughts and have been using all of my tools to deal with it. Still, those thoughts have been coming up, and I want to be honest about that- because it helps me stay safe.

So, I made the snap decision to call my counselor. First I listened to a voicemail from the center... It was from the coordinator who said because they hadn't heard from me- they would need to discharge me, due to "continuity of care"?? I called and let them know last Monday that I couldn't come in for the week, and told them that I planned on returning this week- on Thursday and Friday... They'd left me a few messages after that (which I didn't listen to.) And since I didn't call them back- I was discharged!! Great!

I didn't listen to the messages or return the calls because I wanted to take some space. I've been in INTENSIVE therapy since detox, and I really just wanted a break. I didn't want to cause anyone to worry, and certainly I didn't want to discharge or BE discharged from my program! I was TOLD that it was fine, and that it would be okay to take a break last week. I guess the program director had different thoughts! (which I would've known had I listened to my messages!!:::palm to forehead:::: ) As an aside; That director lady treats patients like cash cows. I KNOW, it's her job and everything... But there have been several things that have come up in my time there- where the almighty dollar seems to reign supreme. >:-@ Anyway... moving on...

My counselor was kind to me when we spoke. Although, I was pretty upset that I was discharged after being given the green light to take a couple of days off.

I knew they were trying to reach me, but I felt really pressured so I did what I always do- I hide.

It's a good thing that I called today though! My counselor is getting transferred to another program, and today is her last day. She was helping me get into a trauma/substance program for women, where I'm supposed to live for a few weeks. A person with the program was supposed to call me to get it all set up, but they haven't yet. My counselor is calling them now to figure out what's going on and will call me back shortly. So, that's good.

I really could've blown it!!! Had I been discharged from my program AND lost my counselor- I could've lost any chance I had to go to my next phase of treatment!!

The reason I decided to listen to the message and to call, is really thanks to all of your responses... Reading it over- I realized that when I get overwhelmed, I shut down. I tune things out. I burn bridges. I bury my head in the sand. I won't go outside. I won't take phone calls. I get stuck. Physically, mentally, and emotionally- STUCK. It snowballs and gets worse and worse, and even harder to deal with.

The TRUTH IS- when I'm overwhelmed... That's when I need the most help! But, that's also when I have the hardest time reaching out for it.

So honestly, if I were to drink right now- it wouldn't be to "get drunk" or to "feel better"- It would only be to put myself in a position where I'm forced to ask for help. So, why not skip over all the pain and the bullshlt - and get straight to the point! Right?? (As you can see by this long-azz post, getting to the point isn't exactly one of my strengths! ;-) )

Well, I did it! I picked up the phone- so that's good. Now I'm feeling VERY anxious waiting for her return call. I'm VERY worried that I've screwed things up. And yet AGAIN- it will be due to me hiding from my life! No good... I know. :-(

I really thought I did what I needed to do last week to make it okay to take some time off. It was really hard for me to make that call and have that conversation. I was proud of myself for NOT chickening out and pulling a no-show/no-call. And I would understand being discharged if that were the case!

I know it IS my fault for not returning their calls. It's really difficult for me. I don't blame people for giving up on me when I hide all the time. But, that's the total opposite of what I really need. I think I need to at least take responsibility for myself in making sure that I'm reaching out when I need help- right away- rather than waiting, and making things more difficult. It's a REAL problem of mine.

The other thing- a lot of the pressure I'm feeling about making doctor's appointments, returning phone calls, finding a group to participate in, being more physically active, going out of the house more- They're homework assignments from my therapy! I'm starting to see that it's too much at once for me. I am also going to have to take responsibility for speaking up about that, rather than hiding.

I don't like to let people down. :-( I don't think anybody really realizes how hard some things are for me, because I'm really good at acting like I have everything under control. I think they experience my limitations as me being "flakey", rather than seeing me as someone who isolates out of fear- because of how I project. But, I project having it all under control because I feel like these things should be SO basic and so easy. These things feel like the bare minimum. So, to struggle so much- with such little things- really hurts me and makes me feel really down on myself.

I am working on it guys.
EverySngleNight is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 02:58 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tiptree's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Brooklyn, ny
Posts: 734
I'm so glad you reached out to SR and to your counselor. Many of us feel or have felt as you do. Sorry to say you are not all that unique but you are awesome! Keep sober and things will just get better and better.
Tiptree is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 03:07 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Mountainmanbob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by EverySngleNight View Post

I've known that quitting wasn't going to fix everything. But, when I see the huge pile of things that I need to deal with, and the things within myself that still need to be addressed and repaired- I feel very overwhelmed.
a very common feeling for one new to recovery to have
most of us have a lot of wreckage in our past to make amends for
takes time
(something new) day after day of making the right decisions
will pay off in the long run

Mountainman
Mountainmanbob is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 03:11 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,040
when I quit it was like the tide went out and I suddenly found this mountain of debris a sea of alcohol had been hiding

the only way to get rid of the mountain is piece by piece.

It looks insurmountable, it felt interminable - but the reality was it didn't really take long long to shift once I decided it needed to be done.

A day off here is there is good - but if you find yourself slacking in general or not doing what you know you ought to be doing, that when I think you really need to force yourself...

the times I didn't want to work on my recovery have been the times I needed it the most.

Addiction loves apathy and lulls in activity. It's it's bread and butter, ESN.

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 03:18 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Mountainmanbob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post

if you find yourself slacking in general or not doing what you know you ought to be doing, that when I think you really need to force yourself...


I was so whipped from my wreckage when sobering up
I could have easily laid in bed for a couple of months doing nothing
as I was thinking to myself - oh poor me
I knew that I had to return to life ASAP
sure in the early days there were many afternoon naps
as my mind, body and soul were repairing
but, these were taken after a morning of solid sobriety work on myself
with the help of God I think

Mountainman
Mountainmanbob is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 04:14 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
peanutty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Rocky Mountains
Posts: 115
Thanks for this post. I really relate to what you are saying about not wanting to deal with things like phone messages. For me it extends to emails too. I get overwhelmed by all the inputs and want to hide to get some calm. It's been like that for me for a long time. I would drink to calm myself and also get the energy to tackle those kinds of things. I'm at 54 days so we're in a similar sobriety spot. I think I'm going to head to the store and get some Epsom salts and have a bath. I may have a little nap first. No drinking for either of us. Good for you for picking up the phone. I have a feeling things will turn out just fine and your call back will be positive.
peanutty is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 04:29 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
EverySngleNight's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 552
I'm pretty fortunate in that my life is okay. I mean, all of the external stuff is good!

Alcohol has been a huge crutch for me from a very young age. So, I do have a lot of work to do. I'm sure so many of you guys can relate to that! I'm finally facing my internal chaos.

I am dealing with mental illness... I don't like to talk/think about it very much. I don't like to admit it, and I don't like for people to know about it. It's not something anyone can know by looking at me or without knowing me pretty well. I'm trying hard to do what is required of me in therapy/treatment. I'm finally being honest about what I experience. I'm trying to let my guard down and accept the help that is being offered to me. I'm super compliant with my meds. I'm throwing everything at this and the kitchen sink. I really believe that if I work hard enough- I can get well. It's a marathon and not a sprint- and ya know... marathons are hard man! LOL (just an FYI, I'm not using this as any type of "excuse"- it's just true and actually even MORE of a reason to never pick up- mental illness and alcohol are not friends.)

I'm in a weird sort of limbo where I have removed what was pretty much the only coping strategy that I've learned- but I haven't yet developed enough other skills to fill the gap. Does that make sense??? Right now things are probably about as hard as they're gonna get. (knock on wood!!)

I don't mean to seem like I feel sorry for myself. It does makes me sad to feel so fearful and stuck, when I really want more for me and for my life. It's also scary. In some ways, it really was "easier" to keep up my old ways than to learn new ones. I didn't have to face these mental issues. And now that I am, there's really no going back.

I thought taking a break would be good. But, Dee is right- my "break" kinda' spiraled into my frozen fear mode again. Although, I am kind of glad that this happened. It's giving me the opportunity to see which things I really need to work on right now. I'm recognizing patterns in my behavior and thinking that probably wouldn't have registered before. I would've just poured some booze on that crap, and let it drown! LOL

Apparently, I have learned some new skills. Just to be dealing with this phase and with these feelings- WITHOUT drinking - is something I think I can be proud of. That's really more impressive to me than the 50 days or whatever. You know??

It might not be pretty, but I'm doing it! God help us all. ;-)
EverySngleNight is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 04:34 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,040
It is hard. I had a lot of things - different to yours maybe, and more physical... but still serious things - that I drank in order to try and keep in check.

The time between having no coping strategy and then finding a new one, implementing it, and getting it working for us is tough - but you're not alone ESN
Dee74 is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 04:37 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Received's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,090
You may be experiencing some bumps in the road but let me tell you something. From my perspective, following your story, you are doing fantastic.

It's not always easy and sometimes it's just damn hard but it's so worth it and I promise, YOU are so worth it. Really.
Received is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 05:05 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Magsie
 
Mags1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,506
I find it a lot easier talking here than I ever would to anyone who knows me.
It's great that you can mull over choices whilst writing down and sharing your feelings.

Thanks for being so open with us, it took courage, EverySngleNight x
Mags1 is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 06:38 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
EverySngleNight's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 552
Aww.. Thanks guys!! :::recovery hugs::::
EverySngleNight is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:51 AM.