Thanks guys...
Historically, I have a really hard time asking for the help that I need. I read over my post here and all of your responses.
I can see very clearly that I am definitely in danger of relapsing in my current state... My thoughts as far as it being "easier" when I was drinking, or "regretting" opening this can of worms- are pretty freaking blatant red flags. You know? I recognized that as soon as the thoughts came up..AV. So far, I've been stronger than those thoughts and have been using all of my tools to deal with it. Still, those thoughts have been coming up, and I want to be honest about that- because it helps me stay safe.
So, I made the snap decision to call my counselor. First I listened to a voicemail from the center... It was from the coordinator who said because they hadn't heard from me- they would need to discharge me, due to "continuity of care"?? I called and let them know last Monday that I couldn't come in for the week, and told them that I planned on returning this week- on Thursday and Friday... They'd left me a few messages after that (which I didn't listen to.) And since I didn't call them back- I was discharged!! Great!
I didn't listen to the messages or return the calls because I wanted to take some space. I've been in INTENSIVE therapy since detox, and I really just wanted a break. I didn't want to cause anyone to worry, and certainly I didn't want to discharge or BE discharged from my program! I was TOLD that it was fine, and that it would be okay to take a break last week. I guess the program director had different thoughts! (which I would've known had I listened to my messages!!:::palm to forehead:::: ) As an aside; That director lady treats patients like cash cows. I KNOW, it's her job and everything... But there have been several things that have come up in my time there- where the almighty dollar seems to reign supreme. >:-@ Anyway... moving on...
My counselor was kind to me when we spoke. Although, I was pretty upset that I was discharged after being given the green light to take a couple of days off.
I knew they were trying to reach me, but I felt really pressured so I did what I always do- I hide.
It's a good thing that I called today though! My counselor is getting transferred to another program, and today is her last day. She was helping me get into a trauma/substance program for women, where I'm supposed to live for a few weeks. A person with the program was supposed to call me to get it all set up, but they haven't yet. My counselor is calling them now to figure out what's going on and will call me back shortly. So, that's good.
I really could've blown it!!! Had I been discharged from my program AND lost my counselor- I could've lost any chance I had to go to my next phase of treatment!!
The reason I decided to listen to the message and to call, is really thanks to all of your responses... Reading it over- I realized that when I get overwhelmed, I shut down. I tune things out. I burn bridges. I bury my head in the sand. I won't go outside. I won't take phone calls. I get stuck. Physically, mentally, and emotionally- STUCK. It snowballs and gets worse and worse, and even harder to deal with.
The TRUTH IS- when I'm overwhelmed... That's when I need the most help! But, that's also when I have the hardest time reaching out for it.
So honestly, if I were to drink right now- it wouldn't be to "get drunk" or to "feel better"- It would only be to put myself in a position where I'm forced to ask for help. So, why not skip over all the pain and the bullshlt - and get straight to the point! Right?? (As you can see by this long-azz post, getting to the point isn't exactly one of my strengths! ;-) )
Well, I did it! I picked up the phone- so that's good. Now I'm feeling VERY anxious waiting for her return call. I'm VERY worried that I've screwed things up. And yet AGAIN- it will be due to me hiding from my life! No good... I know. :-(
I really thought I did what I needed to do last week to make it okay to take some time off. It was really hard for me to make that call and have that conversation. I was proud of myself for NOT chickening out and pulling a no-show/no-call. And I would understand being discharged if that were the case!
I know it IS my fault for not returning their calls. It's really difficult for me. I don't blame people for giving up on me when I hide all the time. But, that's the total opposite of what I really need. I think I need to at least take responsibility for myself in making sure that I'm reaching out when I need help- right away- rather than waiting, and making things more difficult. It's a REAL problem of mine.
The other thing- a lot of the pressure I'm feeling about making doctor's appointments, returning phone calls, finding a group to participate in, being more physically active, going out of the house more- They're homework assignments from my therapy! I'm starting to see that it's too much at once for me. I am also going to have to take responsibility for speaking up about that, rather than hiding.
I don't like to let people down. :-( I don't think anybody really realizes how hard some things are for me, because I'm really good at acting like I have everything under control. I think they experience my limitations as me being "flakey", rather than seeing me as someone who isolates out of fear- because of how I project. But, I project having it all under control because I feel like these things should be SO basic and so easy. These things feel like the bare minimum. So, to struggle so much- with such little things- really hurts me and makes me feel really down on myself.
I am working on it guys.