EverySngleNight

50... five-oh, FIFTY. Fitty days! Not that I'm counting them. :-P But, I guess I'm kind of proud to be sober for fifty days.

I don't know. It's really hard to be proud or happy about it. I'm just afraid. Maybe it's healthy fear?

I'm grateful for this forum. I spend a lot of time here, reading and posting. Too much probably. I've taken to SR and doing my nails. Those are my new addictions. LOL (srsly, you should see my nail polish collection!)

I still have so much work to do. This is a phase where things get difficult. You spend all of this time and energy staying sober and you got it- but life is still life, and it requires more.

I've known that quitting wasn't going to fix everything. But, when I see the huge pile of things that I need to deal with, and the things within myself that still need to be addressed and repaired- I feel very overwhelmed. Not so overwhelmed that I'll drink over it. But, there have been times when I struggle. I think, "It was easier to just drink and tune it all out, than to deal with all of this." "Why did I ever open this can of worms?"

I know it will only benefit me to stay on course, even though it's hard. I know it's going to take time. But, I do feel very overwhelmed by realizing how much more I have to do.

I'm shutting down lately and I feel kind of stuck. I'm zoning out and not really dealing with the things that I need to deal with. My motivation and energy is very low. It was before too.

Alcohol "helped" in that it boosted my energy and gave me the courage to make the phone calls I needed to make, and handle things that are difficult for me when I'm sober. So my struggle right now is learning how to be effective without it.

I'm supposed to call my IOP counsellor back, but I haven't listened to her messages because I feel very anxious about it. I was supposed to set a couple of doctor's appointments as part of my therapy- and I haven't been able to. I'm supposed to find an outside activity to participate in with other people (some sort of class- like yoga, or art etc.), and I'm too afraid to even get started. I'm failing to do these assignments and so I'm afraid to report to my counsellor- and it's all piling up and shutting me down more and more.

My family has been trying to get ahold of me and I'm not really talking to them- so they're getting worried. (they don't know about any of this stuff and it's hard for me to talk to them and just "shoot the breeze") So, I feel a lot of pressure there too.

I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know how to fix it. I'm trying to keep my chin up. I'm keeping up with my personal appearance and I'm keeping my home much better... but I'm still not cutting the mustard. Everything feels like too much. But, I want to do better.