Sick and tired of being sick and tired
Hello SR:
I have contemplated joining the group for a while as my thought was "I can control" anything that comes my way.
Well I am here because I am out of control and have been for a long time. I woke up, again, today and feel horrible. Like the title says, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am tired of feeling horrible. I am tired of my brain soaking in drink. I am tired of not giving my family the attention they need. I am tired of the money loss. I am tired of hiding the empties in the garage (I don't drink in the house / never have) I am tired.
My wife has been expressing her disdain to me for being constantly late from work (knowing I have been at the bar) so I upped the ante and now I started leaving work early (a couple of times a week) so I can get my drinking on and still not be too late to get home and eventually end up in the garage claiming I have to work on something. I am not its only a cover to keep drinking. I wait for everyone to go to bed so I don't have to talk to anyone so I can avoid anyone knowing I am in bad shape.
I am tired of lying and cheating my kids out of the father they need, my wife out of the husband she needs and I am tired of cheating my work out of there employee (been there 21 years) that I hope they need.
My problem is, I am in a profession that surrounds itself with alcohol. My friends (all from childhood) are all drinkers. Everything in my life revolves around alcohol (beer mainly for me.) I am not making excuses, but it doesn't make stopping any easier. But at this point I am ready. I am sure I am not new in that over the last two or three months I have thrown out as much alcohol as I have bought. My old theory of "never again!" and the next day stopping off for more.
This monkey on my back has ran its course and I want it gone like nothing I have wanted in my entire life.
I hope that I am not offending anyone when I say I don't want to place myself in the mindset that I am hopeless to this. I want to be victorious. I want to fight like I am a rabid dog backed in a corner. But in the same breath I am hopeless at this stage or I wouldn't be here looking for support and help.
everyday I come home my kids greet me with a smile and a hug. It makes me want to cry like a baby that me, their father, is killing himself slowly one mug / bottle / can at a time.
I want a life free from alcohol because the last 20 years (on and off) have not been.
I am sure my story is like many others, but I have to start somewhere, today. Today has to be the day
Thanks for hearing me out.
Charlie