Sean, you sound like a very educated, logical, analytical, intelligent man. My question, and it may seem completely irrelevant, but have you ever been sober and just sat still? Alone with yourself and your feelings? No distractions, just spent time with yourself… I know all too well the desire for "feeling GOOD", but the artificial high is temporary and only giving you an escape route from yourself beyond your basic consciousness. Sometimes when you stop running, the answers will catch up with you.