My story
Hi All,
My family has been struggling with my brother. He and his wife have had a troubling relationship. for 15 years they have drank too much, fought frequently, and members of my family have been called over repeatedly to pick him up or take him out of there when they are in the middle of it. I would say the core of the problem is a terrible codependency on both of their parts. His wife has driven a huge wedge between him and the rest of us due to her insecurities. As a result, we have really not seen each other more than 4 times in 8 years.
During that time they have had several children. The pattern seems to be things get bad, his wife gets pregnant, they are OK for a while, the baby comes and they get bad again.
It turned out my brother was hiding his drinking. Drinking 25 small vodka bottles a day. His wife who was due in a couple of months started reaching out to my siblings for help. Of course, our experience with her has been that she has significant problems as well and we don't trust her at all so none of knew what to think.
We took my brother to rehab, he checked himself out.
Two weeks later his is arrested for domestic violence.
He fights checking into a program.
Finally, divorce, restraining order. He is calling us to take him in. None of us will without him in a treatment program. He finds outpatient and one of my siblings take him in.
30 days later, he seems to be doing better. Seems sober but is angry, his life is a mess. His wife won't stop reaching out to him and my sibling who is helping. Apparently there is no money, no way for him to get his own place ( Not sure if I believe that).
He is still sneaking around contacting his EX who we think is a huge part of his problem. He seems angry.
So with that background, My sibling is pretty much done with him. Ready to get him out of her house. We have told him time and time again to get an apartment, restart his life but we aren't sure if he is biding time until his wife figures out she needs him ( she is the most helpless "adult" I have ever met) or actually making the fresh start we all hope for.
I find myself feeling that I barely know this person that is my brother. I don't believe him and he is angry because no one trusts him and "treats him like a child" as he puts it. He doesn't like people demanding to know where he is all the time and what he is doing. His resentment is getting him booted from the one sibling that would take him in.
I have little kids and a stable home. I feel like taking him in but have really avoided extending that offer. I feel like he needs to get an apartment and start acting like an adult. The only explanation why he isn't doing this is either he is too cheap to spend his own money on his new place or he doesn't plan on being there very long.
I want to support him because he is sober, I believe that, but he still acts like a child, makes terrible decisions and just doesn't seem completely honest. I just don't know at this stage, where he is in a program, if I should still be concerned I am enabling him by giving him a place ect. I DONT TRUST HIM. That is the biggest issue. He has lied some much in the last 3 months. He has been "fired" from the same job 5 times only to find out that was a lie. Done to manipulate emotions so we will help him. open our homes, feel sorry.
Anyway the guilt is terrible and I would love to hear any perspective as I have never encountered someone that acts like this. Is capable of such tragic decisions over and over again.
Phew! WHAT A RANT.