wantfreedom62

Im new here,

Grew up with this neighborhood girl. Im 51, straight, ACA child of alocholics, shes 55.
Mid 80's she was my friends GF, and was cheating on her husband with my friend, lost her kid and husband, coincedentally AT MY HOUSE where her husband found her cheating.Prior to 2012, last time i saw her was the late 1980's she was a full time heroin addict (skinny pinned eyes, etc) .
FAST FORWARD, 2012, we connect on a Social network. she asks if i rememeber the time at my house, from the mid-80's when her then-hub discovered her, at my house, etc..I respond, "yea, kinda of, if you're back in town give me a ring". She was always stunningly beautiful.

Summer 2012, I come home from the beach, she's at my house in my driveway, (weird, no? ), she says "hey, its me, you wanna talk a little, and BTW do you like Sake? (japanese wine).

I never had an addiction issues, treated my adult child of alc issues pretty good in therapy, for many years, I agreed for her to come in to talk.
I HAD NO IDEA Addicts "cant drink" or they are still addicts.

She explains her life to me, she lives out of state, has "a guy and a kid" but the guy, THAT GUY, means nothing, i explain that my ex visits me and we have a platonic friendship. In hindsight she basically cloned, her relationship with her GUY, to "look like mine".

We hung out for 2 weeks every day, she's stunningly beautiful and quite forward, making alot of inappropriate sexual comments i thought. She's picking my brain on my extensive therapy work with my therapist.
(SIDE NOTE, MY LONG TIME THERAPIST, had Died 4 yrs prior, he told me my adult child issues, were alcohol, and to avoid heroin addicts that they could manipulate me beyond anything my parents did, but again I didnt know a heroin addict who drinks but doesnt use heroin is still a heroin addict or that heroin addicts can't drink")

We continued hanging out the whole summer of 2012, around 8 weeks, her kid and hub were back in her other state. She indicated she'd had a previous lover in Fla, as the weeks wind on, the possibility of a trip to fla on the way home where she has a cousin, (upstairs from the previous lover), becomes apparent, but "its nothing, that guy is nothing compared to what you and i have she says". When i offer to go with her and get a nice hotel near her cuz, she declines.
Well sept 2012, 24 hours after she get to FLA, I get a text at 3am, "hey ____ can i come over for some hugs" to the guy his name in the text.
I was devastated. she begins a phone juggle. I'm calling hundreds of times, she won't explain anything. won't be specific, her cuz covers for her by answering the phone, i was devasted.
I jump into SLAA near me, where one member tells me, "if she's an addict and she's drinking she's active". I was stunned. All my local idiot friends whom dreamed of her, as teenagers, gave me such mis-information, telling me simply "go for it".
Sept 2012 to Oct 2012, I was devasted on my couch trying to find a good new therapist.
Big blowup with her by phone. She apologizes, but denys ever making the statement "dont worry, the guy in FLA is nothing". She wants me back i go to her state from Oct to Tgiving. We're grooving again she's apologetic.
Back to my state, then back to hers Dec 2012, I find her a therapist for recovery, then another better therapist. Her hub who works all the time, is now home alot. Although the relationship is dead, she becomes less available, while im sitting in an apt hotel 5 mins away. yes trists, and hangouts yes, but basically she's always sneakingl. She "wants to keep the peace for the holidays" for her "kids sake".
Drinking, every night, continues.
XMAS eve, she goes to the hosp for stomach pain, I took her, but Hub picked her up. When we speak later, she explains that they gave her opiates. I ask why she tells me to Fmyself and hangs up on xmas eve. Doesnt answer the phone on XMAS day. NICE!! right?
She does heroin and coke, 2 days later after we had a big blowout. Her mantra is "im not an addict anymore".
She comes back with me in Feb 2012, to my house, when hub who had given her permission to "do what she wants" starts texting me and her outn of the blue.
March 2012, guess what, he's in therapy IN MY SEAT, with her.
She tells me "he and i are gonna work on this and he'll do it if i stop talking to you". 2 weeks go by, im insane, she wont answer the phone i go back to her town.
APril, may top of june im in her town. she starts seeing me, HE moves out once he realizes. From Jan to June she never stopped mentioning a need to "return to fla".
June, smelling trouble ahead and tired of this fla guy situation, I head home. She goes to fla. I blow her off for 3 weeks. She's calling and begging me to talk, explaining it was a big mistake and that THAT GUY was not what she'd hope he'd be.
We keep talking. Therapy phone sessions, hers, mine, back and forth. She's sooner or later gonna come visit me.
OCT 2013. With my therpist on phone i set boundaries, She promises she's done with FLA, and HAS NO MORE EX's ANYWHERE TO VISIT and wants to see if we can "have something".

TGIVING week 2013, she's going to cali to visit her (1st) son. she mentions a possible sidetrip to visit "old friends" one of whom is an old bf from 35 yrs ago, (also the man who made her a full time heroin addict at 18). "BUT HES MARRIED, ITS OLD FRIENDS"

I tell her this breaks our agreement from october, she tells me to Fmyself tgiving eve, and that "you're not gonna stop me".

Nov 20, to Jan 2, I try to get her to admit that SHE LIED IN FRONT OF MY THERAPIST. SHE WONT DO IT. Jan 3 until present, I've ignored her calls, responded to her texts with some very strong berading language. ONE YEAR+_ of alanon, telling me to be "kind to the alcoholic", i thought was confusing. It doesnt work. You can't be kind to someone who's abusive.

ALl week she's texting me " will you agree to talk with me and my therapist".
Today I responded " You had 43 days to talk nov 20 to jan 2, you didnt so ____ you, you're not in recovery, you're not clean and sober, i had 45 people in naranon validate one more time "addicts can't drink", just yesterday. Talking to your therapist, might be great, after you do 90/90 and have a same sex sponsor!!!! You have not apologized, or shown any remorse for lying to me, and hurting me".

I blocked her number tonight, I'm having nightmares, and waking up with panic attacks for weeks. I really dont know what to do. I got a new therapist finally a good one, who's helping, but to me Alanon is too soft, not too many naranon meetings locally, but i hope to go back to that next week. The manipulation and control aspect of narc addicts, in my opinion is way worse than alcoholics (like my late great therapist warned me years ago),. and naranon addresses that much more than alanon.

I now have PTSD from all this, i re-activated all my childhood trauma, which had been put to bed years ago. Besides the above, there's been 100's of times she didnt answer the phone when hub was home, and later when he was visiting after he moved out. The Cali sidetrip killed me and there's been a couple of other "guy friends" during the summer at her local pool. "but they werer just friends, i told them i wasnt interested", Some sex contact occured, etc....."but its nothing".
She's not intoxicated, most days, and dillusional that she "has a glass of wine with dinner". I never saw her have one glass.

Sorry for the long post, I kept googling on breaking up wiht an addict, and no contact and found this site.

Appreciate any support of validation as to how or why "no contact" might help me recover faster. I feel like every conversation with her now, leads to more of her nonsense, denial, justifications, spin, manipulations. I feel like she plays me like a long distance video game.

I have a hard time with boundary enforcement. SHe made me her Pseudo-sig other, UNTIL Feb 2012 when hub stepped back into the scene. Since then it's been plahying me like a video game.

My whole life is frozen, my personal funcionality is ZERO. Alanon is not helping.