Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Friends and Family > Friends and Family of Alcoholics
Reload this Page >

Can't enforce boundaries well with abusive Addict Girlfriend!



Can't enforce boundaries well with abusive Addict Girlfriend!

Old 01-10-2014, 11:11 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 55
Unhappy Can't enforce boundaries well with abusive Addict Girlfriend!

Im new here,

Grew up with this neighborhood girl. Im 51, straight, ACA child of alocholics, shes 55.
Mid 80's she was my friends GF, and was cheating on her husband with my friend, lost her kid and husband, coincedentally AT MY HOUSE where her husband found her cheating.Prior to 2012, last time i saw her was the late 1980's she was a full time heroin addict (skinny pinned eyes, etc) .
FAST FORWARD, 2012, we connect on a Social network. she asks if i rememeber the time at my house, from the mid-80's when her then-hub discovered her, at my house, etc..I respond, "yea, kinda of, if you're back in town give me a ring". She was always stunningly beautiful.

Summer 2012, I come home from the beach, she's at my house in my driveway, (weird, no? ), she says "hey, its me, you wanna talk a little, and BTW do you like Sake? (japanese wine).

I never had an addiction issues, treated my adult child of alc issues pretty good in therapy, for many years, I agreed for her to come in to talk.
I HAD NO IDEA Addicts "cant drink" or they are still addicts.

She explains her life to me, she lives out of state, has "a guy and a kid" but the guy, THAT GUY, means nothing, i explain that my ex visits me and we have a platonic friendship. In hindsight she basically cloned, her relationship with her GUY, to "look like mine".

We hung out for 2 weeks every day, she's stunningly beautiful and quite forward, making alot of inappropriate sexual comments i thought. She's picking my brain on my extensive therapy work with my therapist.
(SIDE NOTE, MY LONG TIME THERAPIST, had Died 4 yrs prior, he told me my adult child issues, were alcohol, and to avoid heroin addicts that they could manipulate me beyond anything my parents did, but again I didnt know a heroin addict who drinks but doesnt use heroin is still a heroin addict or that heroin addicts can't drink")

We continued hanging out the whole summer of 2012, around 8 weeks, her kid and hub were back in her other state. She indicated she'd had a previous lover in Fla, as the weeks wind on, the possibility of a trip to fla on the way home where she has a cousin, (upstairs from the previous lover), becomes apparent, but "its nothing, that guy is nothing compared to what you and i have she says". When i offer to go with her and get a nice hotel near her cuz, she declines.
Well sept 2012, 24 hours after she get to FLA, I get a text at 3am, "hey ____ can i come over for some hugs" to the guy his name in the text.
I was devastated. she begins a phone juggle. I'm calling hundreds of times, she won't explain anything. won't be specific, her cuz covers for her by answering the phone, i was devasted.
I jump into SLAA near me, where one member tells me, "if she's an addict and she's drinking she's active". I was stunned. All my local idiot friends whom dreamed of her, as teenagers, gave me such mis-information, telling me simply "go for it".
Sept 2012 to Oct 2012, I was devasted on my couch trying to find a good new therapist.
Big blowup with her by phone. She apologizes, but denys ever making the statement "dont worry, the guy in FLA is nothing". She wants me back i go to her state from Oct to Tgiving. We're grooving again she's apologetic.
Back to my state, then back to hers Dec 2012, I find her a therapist for recovery, then another better therapist. Her hub who works all the time, is now home alot. Although the relationship is dead, she becomes less available, while im sitting in an apt hotel 5 mins away. yes trists, and hangouts yes, but basically she's always sneakingl. She "wants to keep the peace for the holidays" for her "kids sake".
Drinking, every night, continues.
XMAS eve, she goes to the hosp for stomach pain, I took her, but Hub picked her up. When we speak later, she explains that they gave her opiates. I ask why she tells me to Fmyself and hangs up on xmas eve. Doesnt answer the phone on XMAS day. NICE!! right?
She does heroin and coke, 2 days later after we had a big blowout. Her mantra is "im not an addict anymore".
She comes back with me in Feb 2012, to my house, when hub who had given her permission to "do what she wants" starts texting me and her outn of the blue.
March 2012, guess what, he's in therapy IN MY SEAT, with her.
She tells me "he and i are gonna work on this and he'll do it if i stop talking to you". 2 weeks go by, im insane, she wont answer the phone i go back to her town.
APril, may top of june im in her town. she starts seeing me, HE moves out once he realizes. From Jan to June she never stopped mentioning a need to "return to fla".
June, smelling trouble ahead and tired of this fla guy situation, I head home. She goes to fla. I blow her off for 3 weeks. She's calling and begging me to talk, explaining it was a big mistake and that THAT GUY was not what she'd hope he'd be.
We keep talking. Therapy phone sessions, hers, mine, back and forth. She's sooner or later gonna come visit me.
OCT 2013. With my therpist on phone i set boundaries, She promises she's done with FLA, and HAS NO MORE EX's ANYWHERE TO VISIT and wants to see if we can "have something".

TGIVING week 2013, she's going to cali to visit her (1st) son. she mentions a possible sidetrip to visit "old friends" one of whom is an old bf from 35 yrs ago, (also the man who made her a full time heroin addict at 18). "BUT HES MARRIED, ITS OLD FRIENDS"

I tell her this breaks our agreement from october, she tells me to Fmyself tgiving eve, and that "you're not gonna stop me".

Nov 20, to Jan 2, I try to get her to admit that SHE LIED IN FRONT OF MY THERAPIST. SHE WONT DO IT. Jan 3 until present, I've ignored her calls, responded to her texts with some very strong berading language. ONE YEAR+_ of alanon, telling me to be "kind to the alcoholic", i thought was confusing. It doesnt work. You can't be kind to someone who's abusive.

ALl week she's texting me " will you agree to talk with me and my therapist".
Today I responded " You had 43 days to talk nov 20 to jan 2, you didnt so ____ you, you're not in recovery, you're not clean and sober, i had 45 people in naranon validate one more time "addicts can't drink", just yesterday. Talking to your therapist, might be great, after you do 90/90 and have a same sex sponsor!!!! You have not apologized, or shown any remorse for lying to me, and hurting me".

I blocked her number tonight, I'm having nightmares, and waking up with panic attacks for weeks. I really dont know what to do. I got a new therapist finally a good one, who's helping, but to me Alanon is too soft, not too many naranon meetings locally, but i hope to go back to that next week. The manipulation and control aspect of narc addicts, in my opinion is way worse than alcoholics (like my late great therapist warned me years ago),. and naranon addresses that much more than alanon.

I now have PTSD from all this, i re-activated all my childhood trauma, which had been put to bed years ago. Besides the above, there's been 100's of times she didnt answer the phone when hub was home, and later when he was visiting after he moved out. The Cali sidetrip killed me and there's been a couple of other "guy friends" during the summer at her local pool. "but they werer just friends, i told them i wasnt interested", Some sex contact occured, etc....."but its nothing".
She's not intoxicated, most days, and dillusional that she "has a glass of wine with dinner". I never saw her have one glass.

Sorry for the long post, I kept googling on breaking up wiht an addict, and no contact and found this site.

Appreciate any support of validation as to how or why "no contact" might help me recover faster. I feel like every conversation with her now, leads to more of her nonsense, denial, justifications, spin, manipulations. I feel like she plays me like a long distance video game.

I have a hard time with boundary enforcement. SHe made me her Pseudo-sig other, UNTIL Feb 2012 when hub stepped back into the scene. Since then it's been plahying me like a video game.

My whole life is frozen, my personal funcionality is ZERO. Alanon is not helping.
wantfreedom62 is offline  
Old 01-10-2014, 11:38 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
BoxinRotz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Dude... I need a freaking shower after reading that!

You need NO CONTACT to heal yourself. Go through the motions of the break up and MOVE ON with your life! If she shows up at your door, call the cops. She was trouble in the 80's and she's still trouble now. Nothing changes if nothing changes. She hasn't changed. GET RID OF HER!!! Protect yourself. Let her husband deal with his floozy wife.
BoxinRotz is offline  
Old 01-10-2014, 11:44 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
From the first sentence to the last this sounds pretty dysfunctional.
You can't be played if you step out of the game.

If this was happening to a friend of yours what would you suggest to them wantfreedom62?

you deserve better. Don't be thinking it's this or nothing.

There are a lot of normal well adjusted loving women out there looking for good decent guys.

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 01-11-2014, 01:49 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hawkeye13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,371
I think you answered your own question right after you asked it:
You need NO CONTACT so that you don't talk to her anymore because:

"I feel like every conversation with her now, leads to more of her nonsense, denial, justifications, spin, manipulations. I feel like she plays me like a long distance video game."

Her "stunning beauty" is not worth that torment. You do deserve better
and there are many nice women who would love to meet a nice guy like you.
Please give them a chance and best wishes to you and your recovery.
Hawkeye13 is offline  
Old 01-11-2014, 02:59 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Being stunningly beautiful has obviously stunted her emotionally. Stay away, move to Australia if you have to.
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 01-11-2014, 03:56 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
readerbaby71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Have you found a new therapist? It would probably help to get back into therapy asap. Block her phone number, text, emails, FB etc.....if you have to change your number do so. Cut her out of your life. This is extremely toxic and has mucked up your life in a pretty short period of time.

Sorry you're going through this. xoxoxo
readerbaby71 is offline  
Old 01-11-2014, 04:55 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Katiekate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
The part of this which prevents you from walking away is about you , not her.

Her behavior is killing you emotionally, but love, you are allowing it.

There is a book called Out of the Fog , I highly recommend it.

Addiction and alcoholism aside this is one very sick woman.

Her husband left, you should too.

No contact will help you to process and come to terms with the emotional abuse you have suffered here, and you have suffered greatly.

Make it clear to her via text I supposed that you are done, go no contact, if she does not abide, restraining order. Change your phone number to private if you have to and make sure all of her emails are automatically deleted if you use email.

I suffered miserably with an alcoholic , borderline, bf for several years, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Please, I urge you to begin your own journey of healing.

Keep posting, we are here, right now you are probably thinking, I can;t let her go, you can, one day, one step at a time. The commitment is to yourself.

much love to you Katie
Katiekate is offline  
Old 01-11-2014, 05:19 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hopeworks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Oh my.

She is not a girlfriend. She is not a friend. Friends don't treat people the way she has treated others all her life.

I agree with the others... whatever it takes to block all contact and never, never look back.
Hopeworks is offline  
Old 01-11-2014, 05:47 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
She's trouble with a capital T!

Not really that important, but I wonder why she was cheating at your house...
That alone tells me she has a problem with boundaries big time.
kudzujean is offline  
Old 01-11-2014, 05:50 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
This is likely WAY beyond Alcohol or Addictions.

Sounds like Textbook Mental Illness. A particular nasty flavor that tracks along with some addicts/alcoholics.

Go look up Zoso on the board right below this one . . .

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ears-gone.html

and . . . .

[L3] Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship
Hammer is offline  
Old 01-11-2014, 06:19 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Appreciate any support of validation as to how or why "no contact" might help me recover faster. I feel like every conversation with her now, leads to more of her nonsense, denial, justifications, spin, manipulations. I feel like she plays me like a long distance video game.

You clearly answered your own question.

I agree, this isn't about her any more, this is all about you and you NOT really being ready to give her and all the chaos up. Kind of like she is not ready to change her way in life which is using people at her whim at the moment she choices.

Simply look at the FACTS of her history. History doesn't repeat itself, people repeat history.

In all my years in al-anon I have never heard anyone suggest sticking with an abusive relationship and be kind at that.

Sounds like you that have all mixed up. At this point NO CONTACT would be the kindest act you could take for both of you. The inability to do that would be selfish on your part.
atalose is offline  
Old 01-11-2014, 07:44 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
ru12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Let's start simply: why are you in a relationship with another man's wife? What does it say about her that she is willing to do this? What does it say about you?

One relationship at a time is probably best for most. Good luck.
ru12 is offline  
Old 01-11-2014, 08:06 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 55
Can't enforce boundaries

Hi All, thanks for the responses.

After i posted this, again i am new, I realized it was in the alcohol board.

Im in this because I was lied and manipulated and sucked into a relationship, in addiction they call it "seduction:" It was never clear TO ME she was married for a fact for 6 months, then its this other states common law thing where it was not what my upbringing considers marriage.

ALanon, where i live has horrible men support (im a guy). Most are living with abusive relationships and justifying it cause of kids, cause of whatever.
Instead of blaming the alocholic as one of you wrote, YES i was getting confusing messages, from alanon men, kinda like yours did >>>pointing the finger at me.

Anyway, Im the single guy, the girl shows up in my driveway, any guy would have invited Mary Poppins in with a bottle of sake. Im not here to defend myself, THIS IS WHAT ADDICTS DO>>>lie, seduce, manipulate, control.

My header was about experience in enforcing boundaries. NO contact, is a huge boundary, has anybody had experience into their own mindset, enforcing no contact, how they got there?

Im finding that its at the poiint that every text, every missed call i ignor, upsets me. Also something i tried to put a stop to this week, she was calling a local guy friend of ours, to see "where i was" or if i was "ok". this is classic addict behavior.

So in confronting him, to stop meddling, (he's alcoholic), at least THAT part of the equation is dead.

Any of you dealt with a heroin addict that drinks? or a similar situation where the abuser "keeps coming back"?

Thanks again.
wantfreedom62 is offline  
Old 01-11-2014, 08:09 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 55
Ouch Hammer, yes, that thread is similar deal, still reading it. [/I]
wantfreedom62 is offline  
Old 01-11-2014, 08:13 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 55
P.s. I have not met one guy in alanon who has done no contact, lives alone, and got chisled manipulated and put in a similar situation thru alanon.

I believe the manipulation and control of the addict is way worse than the drinker, because of the mentality to aquire heroin and cocaine.

Thanks again.
wantfreedom62 is offline  
Old 01-11-2014, 09:19 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by wantfreedom62 View Post
Ouch Hammer, yes, that thread is similar deal, still reading it. [/I]
Yeah, you are likely dealing Full Blown Borderline.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

It has some different flavors, and we can much deeper, if you need.

The flavor you are dealing is as you described -- lie, seduce, manipulate, control.

The come-back-return stuff is called "The Recycle."

Big part to understand is that THIS IS WAY BEYOND an Addiction (or Alcohol) issue. You have been targeted and mind-funked. Your confusion is typical.

Zoso has been dealing with that aspect for almost 2 years, I think. She ran off, sent Z notes and pix that she had been doing while with him of at least two other guys, then married another and is now trying recycle Z, while still married.

THIS A VERY BAD NEWS PERSON. Get Away.

The bpdfamily.com site is full of stories like that, too.
Hammer is offline  
Old 01-11-2014, 09:29 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hopeworks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Change your phone number or block. Don't open mail. Tell others NOT to pass messAges or discuss.

You are in control of you and your emotions. Stop giving away your power. Usually it's not realizing the problem it is not wanting to accept the solution.

We each make choices and who we allow in our life and heart is ours alone. I picked badly but the red flags were there ... They usually are.

Consequences can be motivators to change. My broken picker has been tamed and my emotions no longer rule. Alanon was a force in that. I didn't like it either at first becAuse they didn't validate my desire to stay enmeshed and hope for happy endings.

There are alanon talks online that may be helpful. Google if interested
Hopeworks is offline  
Old 01-11-2014, 12:24 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 55
borderline yes

Thanks Hammer and Hope,

Hammer, yes Im quite familiar with borderline aka bpd. yes thats what this is.

Hope, alanon's great and it's helped me in all my affairs except this one. I've found it too sympathetic to the alcoholic abuser overall. Growing up Adult child of alcoholics, i've got my own issues, which this very sick women has re-injured and so forth. I've found more support in alanon from old ladies, who had to cut contact with their kids than from ANY MAN in ANY ROOM.

Alot of double winners have too much sympathy for the alcoholic in alanon, and myself having issues, I've found better support for me at ACA, Adult Children of Alcoholics. So in my stronger moments this week I'm saying "screw her, I gotta have compassion for myself, she will take me down".

Nobody told her to show up and lie to me, uninvited unannounced, and any single guy, would have invited Mary Poppins who appeared straight, and is straigh most of the day, or even Ann nicole smith, if she appeared straight into their house.

If I'm an adult child, sorry to say, and Im not pity-potting but this woman is a predator.

I didnt have the skills, growing up, to deal with a willful manipulative, cunning and devious heroin addict personality. The fact that SHE KEEPS calling, and texting, EASY for friends or alanon people to say "block the number, etc...don't answer, etc".,,,,,,BUT I KNOW Of NOT 1 HUMAN, NOT 1, who has:

1- No family
2- No kids
3- No extended family.
4- No Healthy friends

who have separated from miserable relationships.....etc...AND DONE a "no contact".

Part of me feels, I got issues too, why everybody tell me do it, if they have NOT DONE IT THEMSELVES. I DO NOT KNOW 1 PERSON who has done it.
Sounds like zozo did, and i reached out to him, thanks for the suggestion.

ITS NOT EASY!!! By the way, SLAA 12 step, does have a no contact thing, in its big book. Its a very very very hard concept, Especially when you consider the emotional devastation that has happenned to the addicts Victim.

Yea, i know its a no no to say victim, but i say NONSENSE. the woman is a predator! 55 yrs old she's had 999 people tell her to get straight, go program, she chooses not to. Instead she shows up in people's driveways, stalks men, and creates relationshiops on false pretenses.

TOO long alanon had me looking at my side, BS, 4th step inventory is WAY later, WAY later. I gotta protect myself at all costs.


Thanks for listening.,
wantfreedom62 is offline  
Old 01-11-2014, 12:30 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
mattmathews's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 314
You know, as much as she's a manipulative, sneaking, low-down, lying nightmare...it's really not about her.

No contact
is an absolutely awesome idea in this case, because you apparently have zero ability to create boundaries with this woman. No contact is not something you should consider...it's something you need to do.

At the same time: unless and until you find a new therapist and/or Al-Anon (I prefer "and" ) to work thru all the stuff this woman has stirred up in you, you're completely vulnerable to having the same thing happen with a completely different person tomorrow, next week or next year.
mattmathews is online now  
Old 01-11-2014, 02:04 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Renarde's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
If the phone contact she is attempting is so upsetting, I think you should get a new phone and phone number, and only give it out to the very most important people in your life. Dump the old one.
Renarde is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:07 AM.