I think this is maybe the first time I've had a really bad craving for alcohol, though this is the 5th or 6th time I've tried to quit. I'm having a horrible time in general and feel like everything in my life is going wrong. I have never felt so unhealthy or scattered, or so behind on things. I haven't been drinking much lately (haven't drank with TOO much regularity frankly for a few years now) - just episodically here and there as I've had a mind to quit for awhile now. But today I REALLY want to drink. I don't want to dig myself out of everything right now. I just want to not think about it or feel it. I've been somewhat numbing myself by bingeing on sugar (which, for me, honestly is a bigger addiction - I've historically been much more in control with alcohol than I ever have been with sugar, though I suspect that will change if I continue drinking) and just binge watching TV to distract myself from how horrible I feel. I just feel dried up and fat and unhealthy and burnt out and disgusting and rotten to the core - I can't explain the amount of discomfort I'm in. I just want to feel healthy and energetic and on top of things like I used to. I haven't felt that way in years. Most of all I feel an overwhleming sense of rage right now that I want to quiet with alcohol. It's the same feeling I used to get before I'd cut myself as a teen - hasn't been an issue for over a decade and I never get urges to do that anymore, but I think it was more similar to an addiction than anything else because it was something I could do to quiet this rage and discomfort, and something I feel like alcohol would do right now.
