TurboChicken

Been drinking 10 years. I go to the bars at night. My car drives me there, my body walks in and tries to fake like it's a normal person, but I am an alcoholic. You know what happens next.

Hundreds of meetings, avoidance of the steps, and thousands of mornings I swear I am finished, yet I am not. I am insane. But in the last few days I've discovered that the only way to not drink at night without feeling like a deprived, whiny baby, is to think to myself as I'm driving home from work at night, "I'm not f****** drinking. I'm done with that s***!" Or something to that effect for a few minutes. I do it with an intensity and fire that I have not done before. It makes me more present, I feel better, the craving lessens, and I go home.

I know this is not enough for me stay sober long. White Knuckling? But I realize that I am the only person responsible for me not drinking. I need to show some resolve and not drink under any circumstances. And tapping this anger seems to be helpful. At least it's a sign that I'm changing. I'm starting to have emotions, I am learning to feel and cry and letting out old anger, which has helped with anxiety, depression, and PTSD symptoms. My therapy is working.

I appreciate the opportunity to write this and I appreciate constructive comments. But I know that I need to make more sober friends I can talk to in person, and work the steps. I think I'm not going to be afraid of using a little more intensity and anger like this. What else do you suggest?

Good to be at SR.

Cheers.