TurboChicken

Been drinking 10 years. I go to the bars at night. My car drives me there, my body walks in and tries to fake like it's a normal person, but I am an alcoholic. You know what happens next.

Hundreds of meetings, avoidance of the steps, and thousands of mornings I swear I am finished, yet I am not. I am insane. But in the last few days I've discovered that the only way to not drink at night without feeling like a deprived, whiny baby, is to think to myself as I'm driving home from work at night, "I'm not f****** drinking. I'm done with that s***!" Or something to that effect for a few minutes. I do it with an intensity and fire that I have not done before. It makes me more present, I feel better, the craving lessens, and I go home.

I know this is not enough for me stay sober long. White Knuckling? But I realize that I am the only person responsible for me not drinking. I need to show some resolve and not drink under any circumstances. And tapping this anger seems to be helpful. At least it's a sign that I'm changing. I'm starting to have emotions, I am learning to feel and cry and letting out old anger, which has helped with anxiety, depression, and PTSD symptoms. My therapy is working.

I appreciate the opportunity to write this and I appreciate constructive comments. But I know that I need to make more sober friends I can talk to in person, and work the steps. I think I'm not going to be afraid of using a little more intensity and anger like this. What else do you suggest?

Good to be at SR.

Cheers.

Taking5

Why are you avoiding the steps?

How it Works starts out: "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path..."

The AA path is not going to meetings, even hundreds of them as you have done. The path is getting a sponsor and working the steps.

liberated

I,too have used my " angry" voice with success, usually when my AV is deceiving me . As to what else? It's whatever DOES work- we're all different, i know coming here is HUGE for me as is the mantra "not today".

least

Welcome to the family. I hope we can help you stay sober this time.

Hevyn

Pleased to meet you Turbo. You are not alone with your struggle - we all understand.

You sound ready to do this. You'll find plenty of support, encouragement and friendship here. Glad you found us - keep on reading and posting.

TurboChicken

I think I avoid them because part of me just doesn't want to quit. I still think at times that I can moderate. This is not rational thinking. I'm still trying to control. Sometimes I drink because I think it's the only thing that I enjoy and I don't have faith in my future. I get depressed a little. I think once I am sober I won't enjoy life. I know this isn't the case. I see evidence for the contrary.

I'm getting close to getting a sponsor and doing the steps. I'm really interested in seeing how I am doing after 90 days or one year sober.

TurboChicken

LiaAc,

Thank you for your private message but I cannot reply due to not having posted enough posts!

You are welcome to offer me suggestions privately or publicly.

Thanks.

Anna

Hi and Welcome!

I used fear (health issues/family issues) and anger to get me through the first week or so. By the time three weeks had gone by, a definite shift had occurred, my negativity decreased and I began to really recover.

Do whatever helps you to get through these days and know that you will feel better soon.

Dee74

Hi TurboChicken

I don;t know if you've heard of Rational Recovery but it may be right up your alley.
Google 'AVRT' or visit our Secular Connections forum

Notimetoloose

Ditto on the RR and AVRT. check it out, it is working for me. A little hybrid but basically RR.

Using your anger to propel you forward. Its great sometimes when it is working in your favour.
I to have used my anger to my advantage as well at times.

Eventually the anger will die down and that is where a solid plan is your new best friend.