So first, let me thank all of you for your responses. SR means a lot to me and the wisdom shared is taken to heart.
I have been thinking much about my post, my decision, and my therapy session. So much good has come in the past 4 months. Literally everything in my life has improved, everything. I entered this program drinking +3L of vodka weekly, a marriage in shambles, bored with work, lonely with suicidal thoughts almost continuously.
I am now sober +4 months, falling back in love with my wife (less a burning flame and more about a growing respect, which seems more sustainable actually), a much better father, getting back into my activities - skiing, tennis, hockey, mtn biking, swimming, triathlons - getting into yoga weekly, my businesses are minting money at the moment. I am getting to a more sustainable lifestyle - no huge highs but no huge lows and the duration between the peeks of my sine wave are getting longer with shorter amplitude - again more sustainable.
AA provided a fellowship of individuals I could relate to and connect. I love my Wednesday meeting and may still attend, as the meetings ground me and make me feel better. So I am going to continue and if I feel like a fraud then I will stop. I respect, understand and see the logic with the 12 steps. This is not just an AA thing the logic has been tested over time embedded in many religions. Although I see the psychic change a function of much of the work not having to adhere exactly to the AA program. Doing the next right thing, believing in a higher power and amending wrongs seems like a pretty straight forward solution to live a better life.
Part of what I am going through and what I think is so important in any recovery plan is finding someone who has what you want. For me I thought it was my mentor that helped guide me into this program. I would be naive not to think much of my rash decision has to do with the NYE sober party and the veil coming off. I realized I don't want what he has, not any of it. This was like an earthquake shaking my foundation. Not sending me to drink but realizing I have been looking up to someone and then realizing I was chasing the wrong things...this is a common theme for me. I have done it at work too with my former CEO and ironically its what allowed me to rationalize my straying from my spiritual path and down this dark spiral - not his fault but I was again chasing the wrong things.
In terms of my sponsor he too is a bit lost and been in AA for 8 years and is a 8 months sober. I don't want what he has and this is a bad recipe in my opinion for a sponsor/sponsee relationship. I worry about hurting him and his sobriety and I know this should be easier but its not.
Much of my decision is perhaps more about my current setup. I like the one meeting (my home group), I don't like my sponsor setup and I feel like my HG is tainted by my sponsor's sponsor - cliquey. So perhaps the easier solution is to blame the program and move on - I may be doing this and this might not be fair to AA and the message. Yes, there are parts I don't like or appreciate but for the most part the pros outweigh the cons.
I am feeling pretty solid, remain open minded and quite self aware. My businesses are flourishing and I am going to be quite busy over the next 6 months and will then ease the throttle back this summer. I see a therapist once a week (pay out of pocket so no record) and can up this to twice if need be and can fit in my schedule. He specializes in addiction and there is a great connection - he is quite supportive of AA actually and helped me see the "all of nothing" part of this decision. I am going to try AVRT out - I have the books I am going to make a Big Plan and will keep you all posted on the experience/journey.
Now I have 3 rinks cleared off on my pond with several pickup games forming so I am of to play a little hockey today!