I cut/pasted a post from you in August - the reason is to maybe demonstrate that almost 5 months is a long time to keep living in this type of "mental torment" you've put yourself through. You said you did IOP, AA, and other things - are you on medication? I sometimes feel the same way you do - I lost a marriage, bankruptcy, had to send my son to live with his dad, etc. etc. because the depression/alcoholism had such a bad hold on me. I'm now 4 months without a drink, and things have somewhat improved, but it's not unicorns and rainbows trust me. I still walk around wondering what the hole is I have and detachment I feel. I can't say I don't "ponder" a drink once in a while, but with all I have going on against me, taking a drink will NOT make anything better. But not drinking isn't going to make all your problems go away, and it might get worse before it gets better. But my two cents is to really take a look at WHAT is the problem that keeps you feeling the way you do? And whatever it is might be the cause of you relapsing? If I had to say anything you seem to be tired - and trying to control EVERYTHING around you. Like the "actor who wants to direct the play" then get frustrated when things don't work the way you want. Let everything fall where it may - and stop trying to fix/control/ and mostly stop beating yourself up.