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Hopelessness...

Old 01-02-2014, 02:29 PM
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Hopelessness...

Things got wickedly bad for me last year. Despite not having anything horrible happen (by comparison) in the last two days of drinking, I am feeling completely lost and hopeless. A few minutes ago, I texted my husband and asked him if we're going to make it through this. After I sent it, I thought, what's the alternative? Dying?? I don't think that's what I meant, but really, short of dying, we will get through whatever comes our way because it's not like time is just going to stop, right? But I'm scared for my kids, I'm scared about our finances, I'm scared about selling our house, I'm scared that we won't sell our house, I'm scared about my daycare options, I'm scared my husband will never go back to work... I feel like my heart is in a vice, that I'm not doing enough, that I'm not good enough, that I will never be able to give my kids the life that I want them to have.

I'm afraid that I'm destined to be a loser.

I know, self-pity isn't going to get me anywhere. I'm just so overwhelmed. Please, someone out there, tell me this feeling goes away.
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Old 01-02-2014, 02:37 PM
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It's natural to feel scared. Sobriety is the great unknown for many of us.
I felt exactly the same way.

You're not a loser and you do deserve better - don;t let that little voice run things anymore.

You absolutely can decide to remove alcohol from your life and stay sober - there's thousands of people here who've done it - no better or no different to you noexcuse

D
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Old 01-02-2014, 02:39 PM
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Those are all reasonable things to be concerned about. I didn't notice anything on that list that drinking will make better or make go away. Seems like drinking just makes them worse. That's how it went for me anyway.

One issue at a time, chip away.
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Old 01-02-2014, 02:44 PM
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I felt exactly the same ten years ago, but it can be turned around. xxxx
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Old 01-02-2014, 02:45 PM
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You are not destined to be a loser. My heart breaks for you. Praying for you sweetheart. What do you think you need right now?
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Old 01-02-2014, 02:47 PM
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I find taking life one day at a time helps .
Life is served up to us in day sized chunks, that is what is manageable as a human. When i start trying to live beyond that projecting my worries and anxieties into the future or drawing on them from the past it can make getting through now difficult .

Try to back off from the worries and anxieties , look at what you can do today to make a positive change. For those things out of our control send a prayer out to god , a higher power or the space aliens who run the universe …

Feelings change all the time , they come and go , nothing is forever . Things will either stay the same or not , accept today as it is "warts and all" , contentment is making do with what there is .

Have a sleep on it. It's a new day tomorrow i'm sure things will be different .

Bestwishes, m
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Old 01-02-2014, 02:50 PM
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Hey there NoExcuse. I think being scared, and being emotional comes with the territory of both drinking and early recovery. A tough part of early recovery is that you see everything starkly and you haven't had any time to see the benefits that slowly start to mount as you no longer drink. It's the toughest time for lots of reasons. But it really does get better. It seems the speed things get better differs between people. I was pretty miserable for about four months but I see others here get their Zing back faster. I think the thing is to accept that you'll go at your own pace.

I kept a diary which was useful. I could look back even when I was still pretty miserable and see that I was getting better. Seeing evidence of progress, even if it's slow, is really encouraging.

Stick with it. Life, of course, will still have its challenges and ups and downs. But you can get through this and feel so much better in so many ways. Sobriety doesn't stay as difficult and emotional add it is in the early days and weeks.

God bless.

Michael
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Old 01-02-2014, 03:21 PM
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Dont think about those things until you have to. When you start thinking and worrying, stop yourself and think, "what can I do to change it right this moment?" If you any do anything, then don't think about it. Of course, being sober helps that (although not entirely, take a lot of practice).
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Old 01-02-2014, 03:24 PM
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You can stay sober and fix the things within your power to change. Don't worry about the rest of it, just focus on your recovery.
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Old 01-02-2014, 04:26 PM
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It does go away and things do get better. Countless people have overcome addiction from alchol from situations like yours (or worse) over the years and there is absolutely no reason you cannot do the same. The key is doing rather than saying. Rehab, detox, outpatient, AA, other recovery programs are readily avalable and in many cases free for the taking. You must decide which one will work for you and if you don't know, try them all to find out. Be like your username and don't use any excuses for why you cannot get sober.
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Old 01-02-2014, 04:40 PM
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noexcuse wrote:
I don't know me
Wait until the miracle???? How long does that take? I know, I know, it takes however long it takes, however long you put into it, however MUCH you put into it, but I'm freaking miserable. Not just poor me, why me, this sucks kind of miserable, but that exhausted, this-will-never-end misery. Day in, day out, same old, same old. And not the nothing changes same old - I'm going to different meetings, hearing different things, learning different techniques, making my 'toolbox' (let me tell you, an ACTUAL hammer and saw would make a lot more sense to me right now) but it all feels so redundant and monotonous and horrifically permanent.

I the only one that feels like this?? I go through periods of sobriety, periods without sobriety, and I'm starting to feel like who gives a f*** about sobriety??? I'm just done, PERIOD. Trodding through life, living paycheck to paycheck, struggling to stay on top of the laundry and cleaning and make decent meals and get everyone off to where they need to be and having to be in treatment for 11.5 hours a week plus AA meetings plus a full-time job... There's not enough of me to go around and I feel like I am seriously on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I'm. Not. Functioning. I'm going through the motions, but nothing is getting through because there is just. too. much. Am I alone here?

I don't know what I'm looking for. Not advice, I suppose. I've gotten a lot of that and having someone tell me that it sounds like I need a meeting or I need to take a bath is not helping. I don't know what I need right now. Just someone else who understands. Because frankly, I feel like driving off a cliff right now.
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Old 01-02-2014, 04:44 PM
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I cut/pasted a post from you in August - the reason is to maybe demonstrate that almost 5 months is a long time to keep living in this type of "mental torment" you've put yourself through. You said you did IOP, AA, and other things - are you on medication? I sometimes feel the same way you do - I lost a marriage, bankruptcy, had to send my son to live with his dad, etc. etc. because the depression/alcoholism had such a bad hold on me. I'm now 4 months without a drink, and things have somewhat improved, but it's not unicorns and rainbows trust me. I still walk around wondering what the hole is I have and detachment I feel. I can't say I don't "ponder" a drink once in a while, but with all I have going on against me, taking a drink will NOT make anything better. But not drinking isn't going to make all your problems go away, and it might get worse before it gets better. But my two cents is to really take a look at WHAT is the problem that keeps you feeling the way you do? And whatever it is might be the cause of you relapsing? If I had to say anything you seem to be tired - and trying to control EVERYTHING around you. Like the "actor who wants to direct the play" then get frustrated when things don't work the way you want. Let everything fall where it may - and stop trying to fix/control/ and mostly stop beating yourself up.
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Old 01-02-2014, 04:49 PM
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You will definitely be able to get through this. You don't have to fix everything at once. When I'm overwhelmed, I find making a list really helps. Cross off one or two things each day and you will find that you are moving forward and accomplishing things.

You deserve a good life.
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Old 01-02-2014, 04:55 PM
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Dear no excuses,

I understand your feelings and yes, they will get better. Take things one day at a time and if that doesn't work, take things one hour at a time. Just get through one moment and then the next one and then the next one. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Remember, drinking is absolutely not going to make things better. It might numb out your anxiety for a while, but when the alcohol wears off, you'll be dealing with feelings of guilt and failure on top of everything else you are dealing with. That is the last thing you need in your life right now.

Hang in there. We're rooting for you.
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Old 01-03-2014, 07:52 AM
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Wow, thank you guys for all of the powerful words. And you all are truly right...even after just one day, I woke up feeling more positive today than yesterday. I made dinner and played games with my kids, watched a movie and read some of my book last night. No thoughts of drinking snuck up on me and, despite getting restless sleep, I feel pretty good this morning. My daughter lost a tooth, I found something for them to do today, I'm taking care of a couple of things for others and I'm attending my last anger management session this afternoon.

With or without my head feeling organized, I appear to be getting my ducks in a row just through the sheer passage of time. That's what it is really about, isn't it? We will make it through, no matter what. Because time keeps marching on. Eventually, we will come out the other side. It's just a matter of how we want to feel when we come out the other side, looking back at a lifetime of good memories, small and large successes, and learned from failures, or looking back at a lifetime of fuzzy memories and regrets.
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