Well, I ended up using again for about a week straight. I don't know where that came from, or why it was so crippling, but it's over now. As a previous poster said, at some point in time I accepted the idea that I could use again, and once that was on the table the deal was done.
It was the same delusions as always, maybe with a slightly different twist, but that's how it's always going to be, as I conquer certain thoughts, they'll only resurface again in a new form.
I don't really feel regret, and when I do I observe it and allow it to dissolve. I feel like at this point I'm through fighting. I've battled this thing for years, and it hasn't worked, that method is only exhausting. I realize this, but I myself do not feel beaten or exhausted, I simply feel that this is the next step in my journey, to move beyond the internal battle and recognize a new way.
I used to shake my head at one day at a time, but now it's sort of taken on a new meaning. All I have is right now, I can't dwell in the future and hope for something that isn't, and I can't dwell in the past and recycle the same pain over and over again, both are counterproductive.