hopeful4

So, for those that do not know, a quick history. My AH is a binge drinker. He has underlying anxiety/depression issues, the drinking is self medication however he is also on Rx Xanax...those don't mix. We have been together for 16 years and have two WONDERFUL daughters, age 14 and 8.

That being said, a few years ago he mixed too much alcohol w/the Xanax, broke into a house and caused $16k in property damage. Still does not remember to this day doing this. Went to rehab, was clean for a year and then relapsed. Stupidest thing I ever did was not divorce him when all of this happened.

He is currently on probation. He is getting off probation early for good behavior however it has to all be paid up and there is still about $4k owed for restution. They had set him up on a pay plan not realizing the law would change last year and he would be elligable for early release of probation. That is why they are now calling in the debt, not because of any payments missed or any problem like that. He does not have a choice about the early release either, they can only extend it for 6 months no matter what.

That being said, $4k is alot of money we do not have. I am pretty much staying out of this situation. His sister volunteered up $2k and my parents have offered the other $2k which I said please no to because I plan on leaving him after the holidays and do not want to feel indebeted to them or tied to that $. They said they just want this stress to be over for him and for our children too and that this stress is making it all worse for all of us. They support any decision I make about staying or leaving him and say this $2k is not tied to it one way or another. They do plan on making him sign a document saying this is a loan for him and him only not tied to me in any way so when we do separate it cannot be half my debt.

So...I have really stepped back and let them work this out w/him because this is his deal, not mine.

Saturday we had Christmas at their home. They are the best parents ever and make sure we have wonderful holidays. It is a warm and caring environment I am blessed to be in. They also gave us really nice gifts. My mom hid all the alcohol in the house but not very well. I could tell Sat night he seemed to be a bit different. I asked if he had been drinking. Not only did he say no, he said no, that would not be right with all that your parents are doing for me. I left it alone even though it was a lie and I could tell. When we got home he said I was being quiet. I said yes, I know you drank (I can smell it miles away) and you lied and it is the ultimate FU not only to me but to my family who is trying to help you. He said nothing.

So yesterday we have Xmas at his sisters house. I did not interact w him much, nor did I ignore him. Just treated him like everyone else. Well last night when we go to bed I tell him I am worried. I am because it is not sinking in that I am separating from him, and I have made that decision. He says I am trying to cause drama so I dont have to have sex w/him. Ha ha ha. No, that is because I don't love him, don't trust him, am tired of being lied to, on and on. But I just say I am sorry that is how you feel and go to sleep.

You know, it is quite one thing to treat me like crap, I guess I am usto that (sadly). But here my family is stepping up to the plate and his too to help him out and drinking is just a slap in the face. He just ultimately is a selfish person who will never ever accept responsibility for his own behavior. And he just loves to pretend like nothing ever happened and I should be happy as can be.

I am sorry this is so long. I just need to let it all out to people who understand how I feel. My family mean the world to me and it really has me worked up for him to take advantage of them and of his sister who cares so much about him and is always there for him no matter what. He is just an ass.

Please Lord, let the holidays go fast so I can move on to the next stage of my life. I know it will be a hard year but I also know it will be better in the long run to be separated from him.