Just need to type this so I don't minimize later

Old 12-23-2013, 08:15 AM
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Just need to type this so I don't minimize later

So, for those that do not know, a quick history. My AH is a binge drinker. He has underlying anxiety/depression issues, the drinking is self medication however he is also on Rx Xanax...those don't mix. We have been together for 16 years and have two WONDERFUL daughters, age 14 and 8.

That being said, a few years ago he mixed too much alcohol w/the Xanax, broke into a house and caused $16k in property damage. Still does not remember to this day doing this. Went to rehab, was clean for a year and then relapsed. Stupidest thing I ever did was not divorce him when all of this happened.

He is currently on probation. He is getting off probation early for good behavior however it has to all be paid up and there is still about $4k owed for restution. They had set him up on a pay plan not realizing the law would change last year and he would be elligable for early release of probation. That is why they are now calling in the debt, not because of any payments missed or any problem like that. He does not have a choice about the early release either, they can only extend it for 6 months no matter what.

That being said, $4k is alot of money we do not have. I am pretty much staying out of this situation. His sister volunteered up $2k and my parents have offered the other $2k which I said please no to because I plan on leaving him after the holidays and do not want to feel indebeted to them or tied to that $. They said they just want this stress to be over for him and for our children too and that this stress is making it all worse for all of us. They support any decision I make about staying or leaving him and say this $2k is not tied to it one way or another. They do plan on making him sign a document saying this is a loan for him and him only not tied to me in any way so when we do separate it cannot be half my debt.

So...I have really stepped back and let them work this out w/him because this is his deal, not mine.

Saturday we had Christmas at their home. They are the best parents ever and make sure we have wonderful holidays. It is a warm and caring environment I am blessed to be in. They also gave us really nice gifts. My mom hid all the alcohol in the house but not very well. I could tell Sat night he seemed to be a bit different. I asked if he had been drinking. Not only did he say no, he said no, that would not be right with all that your parents are doing for me. I left it alone even though it was a lie and I could tell. When we got home he said I was being quiet. I said yes, I know you drank (I can smell it miles away) and you lied and it is the ultimate FU not only to me but to my family who is trying to help you. He said nothing.

So yesterday we have Xmas at his sisters house. I did not interact w him much, nor did I ignore him. Just treated him like everyone else. Well last night when we go to bed I tell him I am worried. I am because it is not sinking in that I am separating from him, and I have made that decision. He says I am trying to cause drama so I dont have to have sex w/him. Ha ha ha. No, that is because I don't love him, don't trust him, am tired of being lied to, on and on. But I just say I am sorry that is how you feel and go to sleep.

You know, it is quite one thing to treat me like crap, I guess I am usto that (sadly). But here my family is stepping up to the plate and his too to help him out and drinking is just a slap in the face. He just ultimately is a selfish person who will never ever accept responsibility for his own behavior. And he just loves to pretend like nothing ever happened and I should be happy as can be.

I am sorry this is so long. I just need to let it all out to people who understand how I feel. My family mean the world to me and it really has me worked up for him to take advantage of them and of his sister who cares so much about him and is always there for him no matter what. He is just an ass.

Please Lord, let the holidays go fast so I can move on to the next stage of my life. I know it will be a hard year but I also know it will be better in the long run to be separated from him.
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Old 12-23-2013, 08:53 AM
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hopeful4---I have always heard that "when you are going through He**---face foreward....even if you stumble--fall forward! Eventually you will come out the other side."

Think of all that you have endured, already. This is proof that you have the fortitude to endure it a while longer in order to make a better future for yourself and those little ones that depend on you.

Wagons Westward...HO!!

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Old 12-23-2013, 09:04 AM
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I'm sorry, hopeful On this:

Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
You know, it is quite one thing to treat me like crap, I guess I am usto that (sadly). But here my family is stepping up to the plate and his too to help him out and drinking is just a slap in the face. He just ultimately is a selfish person who will never ever accept responsibility for his own behavior. And he just loves to pretend like nothing ever happened and I should be happy as can be.
I know you know this, but sometimes it helps me to hear what I already know. His bad behavior is not a reflection on you. You can't control whether he chooses to (ever) accept responsibility for his actions. It's all on him. For your own sanity, you just have to let it go. (Which I think you've been doing really well btw.) That includes how he treats your family.

Also, I wanted to comment on this:

Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
That being said, $4k is alot of money we do not have. I am pretty much staying out of this situation. His sister volunteered up $2k and my parents have offered the other $2k which I said please no to because I plan on leaving him after the holidays and do not want to feel indebeted to them or tied to that $. They said they just want this stress to be over for him and for our children too and that this stress is making it all worse for all of us. They support any decision I make about staying or leaving him and say this $2k is not tied to it one way or another. They do plan on making him sign a document saying this is a loan for him and him only not tied to me in any way so when we do separate it cannot be half my debt.
I underlined and bold-faced the relevant parts. My parents (including my A father) are the same. They would do the same for me and my children. They have done the same - given us money when we needed it even when we wouldn't have needed it had we made different choices. They do it because they love us. Accept it as the gift that it is to you. Because, really, that's what it is - a gift to the daughter they love. The loan is between your AH and your parents and has no bearing on you.

I'm sorry It does sound like your AH is living in denial on your plans to leave him (or make him leave?) Maybe he'll figure it out when the moving vans show up? Prayers for a peaceful holiday for you & your girls!
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Old 12-23-2013, 09:14 AM
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Thank you both. I am blessed to have such wonderful parents who will help us so much. I did caution them that if they are giving this money to him with expectations that they will be let down because he never follows through. They understand and fully know that.

I have been doing quite well on separating myself and my actions from him. I had a talk with my 14 year old the other night and let her know how things are right now. She has alot of anger towards him and I totally understand that. I told her my number one job in life is to be a good mom to my kids. That I cannot control their dad but that I will do everything in my power to be a good mom to them and will always be there for them no matter what. It was a sad conversation but good to be honest with her. She is really angry with him and keeps it bottled up. When we do separate I will get them into counseling, we know a wonderful counselor who will be very good to them.

It is just frustrating that he expects me to act as though he does not do these things. I am not going to fight and bicker day in and day out but I am definitely not letting him off the hook either. That's why i'm separating, I just cannot stand how crazy it makes me feel and I know it is has to be the same for my children who I love more than anything in the world.

Thank you for being here, it means so much.
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Old 12-23-2013, 11:48 AM
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it sounds to me like you are doing a great job of handling your end of this with the kids and your parent. Being upfront and honest with them. And you're right...the kids are number one. Keep up the good work, Hopeful
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Old 12-23-2013, 11:55 AM
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Hopeful,

Sounds like the end of the line has arrived. All that is left is to walk it.

Hope he seeks a sober life in the future, for his daughters sake. A decision to remove the child from the presence of an active A is an admirable as I see it.

Hope Christmas (the one on the 25th) goes well.
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Old 12-23-2013, 12:24 PM
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Thank you. I am feeling more calm about it than I should but it's so frustrating because I don't really think he believes I will go through with this, and I will. I question everything for my children every day, but the more I see the bitterness my older daughter has the more I think it is the right thing to do. I hate it for them so much and hope he can at least remain sober during the time he will have with them. Time will tell.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Blessed Day as well!
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Old 12-23-2013, 02:42 PM
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Hopeful,
you sound like a very strong woman. Wish I had an eighth of it. Remember the oldie but goodie...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You are going to be shiny new after you get to the other side. Sending hugs and keeping you in my prayers.
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Old 12-23-2013, 03:03 PM
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Thank you Wynter. I go through strong moments and not so strong. I think I am coming out on the other side so to speak, so it has gotten lots better. It has taken a very very long time.

Hugs and blessings, thank you for reading and responding!
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Old 12-23-2013, 03:07 PM
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Good Luck on your new adventure Hopeful! And a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!
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Old 12-23-2013, 03:11 PM
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You've given me hope & strength for my situation. We're all in this together. We can do it... Just think how wonderful life is going to be when we get there!!! I can't wait. In the meantime, keepn the faith, rememberin it all happens for a reason. I really do believe that. My best to you. xxo
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Old 12-23-2013, 03:45 PM
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You are so strong and always have great insights that have helped me so much. His actions are NOT a reflection on you. Your parents are well aware of the situation and have made the decision to help him. That's between them.

It sounds like you are ready to leave. You deserve a life filled with happiness and peace, and so do your children.

Wishing you much love and happy holidays. Hang in there. xoxox
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Old 12-23-2013, 03:53 PM
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Thinking of you hopeful, big hugs to you x
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Old 12-23-2013, 10:29 PM
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Thinking of you hopeful. It's a tough road and even tougher this time of year. Peace to you this coming year. Hugs.
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Old 12-24-2013, 09:35 AM
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So, last night I took my daughters shopping. Came home to an obviously intoxicated AH. He verbally abused me by saying ugly things. Today of course it is i'm sorry. I told him this morning we will get through these next few days of holidays but he needs to be thinking of a plan because I do want a divorce. I need him to understand I mean this. He texts me today that we don't have to do this. I text him back that indeed, we do. I said that his addiction and the verbal abuse that comes with it is too much for me to handle and in turn I react and become someone I don't want to be anymore. No response.

He will never ever accept responsibility. It just really makes me sad for him because anyone who lives that way is setting themselves up for a really hard time. Little daughter, age 8 having a hard time last night with everything. Addiction sucks.

Thank you all again for reading. I am updating because I need to keep record of this for myself in case I become weak, and it does truly help to hear back from those who understand.

Hugs and Blessings. May you all have a peaceful Christmas.
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Old 12-24-2013, 11:03 AM
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Talk about him cementing your resolve to keep going. Getting drunk. Yeah, that'll make ya wanna stay!
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Old 12-30-2013, 11:03 AM
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Well, last night I told my AH that I want him to sign a contract that states that this is a loan between my parents and him and that I am not tied to it in any way. He freaked out and said it is a dirty thing to do because it is just saying that I want to separate from him. HELLO???? Yes, I am prepared for his relapse and prepared to leave. How much more clear can I make it? I have told him this numerous times, he acknowledges that this is what I want. I am protecting myself at this point. He was pissy but ultimately will sign, he has no choice. Grrrr.....
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Old 12-30-2013, 11:20 AM
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hi hopeful,

you sound very frustrated. i forget, have you spoken to an attorney? have you filed for divorce? are you still in the same house?
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Old 12-30-2013, 11:26 AM
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hopeful4----I say to just remember (over and over...LOL) that the other person is NOT going to like or agree when we undertake to change the status-quo. Nobody does. We really can't expect them to say:"I see that you are preparing to leave me. How can I make that process smooth and seamless for you?" Rarely happens.

You just have to grow a rhinoserous skin and let it all roll off.

I'm just saying........

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Old 12-30-2013, 11:32 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
He freaked out and said it is a dirty thing to do because it is just saying that I want to separate from him. HELLO????


Oh, how verrrrrry frustrating. Hang in there Hopeful!!! ((((HUGS))))
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