Lorelai

I came to this board in March 2004. I asked my AH to move out four months ago and we are in the middle of the divorce circus.

I don't have nearly all the answers but, after almost a year of introspection, I do have some perspective that I'd like to share.

I have changed. I'm not scared anymore. I talk to stangers on the street, I have joined classes, I go out into the world with a smile on my face and a bounce in my step that I haven't had in years. I am actually looking forward to my life. I am not afraid of making a mistake or of being wrong. If I make a mistake, so what? I'll deal with it. Even though my financial situation could be better, I'm not worried. Everything will work out OK for me. I look at the world as a happy place full of adventure - not a scarey place out to hurt me. It truly is like a whole brand new world. I didn't even know how scared I was. Scared of mistakes, of other people, of new things, of the unknown.

I don't feel this way because my AH is gone. I feel this way because I worked on me and I feel good about myself and I know that I can find happiness within ME no matter what anyone else says or does. Everyone can do that. All you have to do is believe it and try.

I don't harbor any ill feelings towards my AH. We get along relatively well. However, I stand my ground. I will not allow anyone to treat me like that ever again - anyone. I deserve so much more.

I know it's hard to figure out what you want when you've spent your life doing what everybody else wanted you to do. But TRY ! Believe me, if you start, it will snowball and you won't believe how good it feels. If you want to paint your fingernails bright purple, do it. If you want to dance around the kitchen while you're washing dishes, do it. If you want stay up all night watching Mary Tyler Moore reruns, do it. The world won't end. Who cares what everybody else thinks? It's your life. Do what makes you happy. That's what life is for ! Start with fun. Once your mind remembers what it's like to make yourself feel good with the little things, it will be so much easier to know what you want with the big things.

You are all wonderful people. God put you on this earth to ENJOY your life. So, ENJOY IT. No matter where you are or what situation you are in, love yourself first. Carve out a space in your life to do what makes you happy. You deserve it. You need it. You will never get this day again. Make it special. Do something you'll remember a month from now and smile.

Thanks for reading my rambling.
Hugs - L