** update**
D called me today to say thank you for sending Alongside Prison Ministries out to see him. He answered my question about whether I overstepped his boundaries by not asking first. He says that the ministry is great and he loves it and really wants to get involved and wanted to know if I am involved in their "outmate" ministry.
I said yes and then stayed quiet and let him do most of the talking. I don't really talk to my friends about him at all so I thought I would come here to vent because it feels like the only safe place I have sometimes to talk about my addicted prison marriage.
First off he asked if I was still sober and attending my IOP. Yes and yes. He said that he is sober too. Some new guy brought in dope, but he declined. He said he would rather smoke it anyway, which he can't, and lately he has been drug tested every other day. If he fails he will get thrown in the hole, loose privileges, and all of his good time. It is really nice to know he is telling the truth, and even nicer that I don't bother to ask if he is using or not.
He rambled the entire 30 minutes about this ministry. Honestly, it felt really good to hear him talk about God and church. I haven't had many conversations with him since he went to jail, and the ones I have had have been about court and sentencing and treatment and the program. The last time we were actually together we were both in active addiction, so all we talked about was money... and drugs of course.
So, this ministry is really awesome. There is a guy who comes to him once a week for an hour who is also a recovering heroin addict. D really admires him. He says he is not a sponsor, and they don't talk the program ( 12 steps) they read the bible and talk about their kids and wives, triggers. This mentor has also served time, so they talk about that. D asked if I like my lady they assigned to me. She is also a recovering addict and wife of an ex inmate. We meet every other week and do the same thing.
He told me he bought me a Christmas present from the commisary and put it in the mail today. It is a devotional for married couples with one in prison, one on the outside. It is a year long study, and starts in January. The devotional is the same each day and then there are several response questions you answer and then mail to your spouse. I think that was nice of him. He could have spent what little money he has on a radio or snacks or whatever. It touched my heart a little bit.
He also said he should have asked first, but he signed us up for 12 weeks of marriage counselling after his release. As well as an 8 week long re-entry study before his release. All free. All through the ministry. He said he should have asked first, but wanted to do something.
He says he also signed up for 16 weeks of outpatient rehab when he gets out. This program is also free. He is not sure if he will come home, or go back to inpatient treatment at the Salvation Army. He says he does not want to go to a sober living house. He would rather either be home or at the Sally.
Ugh!!! Ahhhhh!!!! I'm so overloaded with information. I do feel better now that I am regurgitating it all here. He is future trippin to the max!!! His release is so far away and I don't even want to think about it.
He is so different now. I know that recovery looks like recovery, and he is in it now, he could just as easily be using in there and getting tattoos and raising hell, but he isn't. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to think. Right now I still feel like he always does well when he is locked up in a box, whether it is rehab or now this, but it is when he gets out that he F***s up.
I know he doesn't want to be in solitary confinement again, that is why he isn't using. I also know that we addicts only ever stop when the pain of using outweighs the benefits. If all of this time passes, and he gets out and relapses he will be put away for 10 years. I don't know if that is enough. I don't want to say my husband is really embracing recovery because I don't know.
Personally, it is a pet peeve of mine when people say that someone else has hit their bottom. How presumptive and prideful. No one knows what another persons bottom is except that person.
D is very concerned about whether or not I am sober. He says I better not ever come to see him with pinned eyes or he will take me off of the list and not let me back ever again. He says he will not emotionally enable me. He also said that if we do decide to live together again and I relapse he won't kick me out, but he will leave, and take the kids with him.
I have read the "things addicts say from jail" a thousand times. I'm feeling flustered and frustrated. I never thought I would see the day that his recovery was stronger than mine. I'm triggered in a codependent way. Resentful as well. Sorry this is so long I just really needed to get it all out.