Cricket -- the hardest thing for me with Christmas with a drunkk was to not have unreasonable expectations.
My childhood Christmases are in my memory picture perfect. So I expected the Saturday Evening Post, Coca-Cola, perfection. And then the kids start fighting about who's going to hang what ornament and one of them cusses the others out and stomps off to her room. And in the past, Christmas would always include AXH hurrying everyone up to finish Christmas dinner so they could go back to their hotels so he could start drinking.
The way I got through it when I was still married to an A was to stop myself and not expect what I wanted. To stop myself and enjoy the tiny slivers of joy there were instead of being heartbroken about the things there weren't. Getting up before everyone else and putting a peppermint in my hot chocolate. Putting on a favorite Christmas song on and listen to that while sipping my cocoa in peace for 3 1/2 minutes until the baby got up. Or putting love into wrapping the presents nicely. Or stepping outside and breathing the cold winter air. Giving myself little moments like that of rest, of joy, of stolen snapshots of peace in the middle of the mayhem every holiday was.
I think that's what kept me sane.
And it wasn't easy. I especially remember the last Christmas with AXH, when I couldn't go to midnight mass because he was too drunk to be left alone with kids and candles. So I set the alarm to get up early and go to a 5 am service. Only to find that AXH was still up and still drunk as a skunk. We opened presents with him not being able to even sit upright. I think every such experience helped me build the conviction that I was worth better than that. It took time, but I did get there.