Ot-not looking forward to Christmas

Old 12-15-2013, 04:55 PM
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Ot-not looking forward to Christmas

I am looking forward to time off work but not spending time with my kids or hubby . I just bought the tree yesterday and started having an ok time until my one 18 year old kept snipping at me. After a while her disrespect got to me and I told her to go help her dad. (My rh) I have opted not to go to dinner with them last night and I left them to decorate the tree.

Before you all tell me this is a normal phase I under stand that her twin went through that - she just has her dad's backing and never does no wrong I get all the blame -he even has a accused me of abuse. I just wish I had the courage to leave.

Any advice on getting through the holiday blues?
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Old 12-16-2013, 08:39 PM
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Originally Posted by cricket123 View Post
...I just wish I had the courage to leave. ...
Goodness, _nobody_ arrives here with the courage to leave. If it were that easy there would not be therapists and marriage counselors and hundreds of self-help books at the bookstore and who knows how many thousands of web sites.

I got the courage little by little, and even then I needed a good prod from _three_ therapists.

Originally Posted by cricket123 View Post
... Any advice on getting through the holiday blues?...
What works for me is to get involved in _any_ activity outside the house. I go to lots of extra al-anon meetings, just to get out. I find some volunteer program to help out with, this year it was collecting food at work. I grab the phone lists from the meetings and call peeps just to ask them how they are doing and let them know I am thinking of them.

I do extra things for me. I get myself one special gift that has meaning, which to me is just a small butterfly ornament to put on my tree. I put in a little overtime at work so I can have extra long lunch breaks, or sleep in a little bit on Mondays.

Lots of small things, which add up little by little. All of recovery has worked that way for me, never a big huge change all at once, just lots of small ones.

Mike
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Old 12-17-2013, 07:09 AM
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I hear the Sallys (Salvation Army) can use some bell ringers for the kettles.

I am so sorely tempted to offer to do shifts if I could play my banjo instead of ringing the bell.
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Old 12-17-2013, 08:21 AM
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Cricket -- the hardest thing for me with Christmas with a drunkk was to not have unreasonable expectations.

My childhood Christmases are in my memory picture perfect. So I expected the Saturday Evening Post, Coca-Cola, perfection. And then the kids start fighting about who's going to hang what ornament and one of them cusses the others out and stomps off to her room. And in the past, Christmas would always include AXH hurrying everyone up to finish Christmas dinner so they could go back to their hotels so he could start drinking.

The way I got through it when I was still married to an A was to stop myself and not expect what I wanted. To stop myself and enjoy the tiny slivers of joy there were instead of being heartbroken about the things there weren't. Getting up before everyone else and putting a peppermint in my hot chocolate. Putting on a favorite Christmas song on and listen to that while sipping my cocoa in peace for 3 1/2 minutes until the baby got up. Or putting love into wrapping the presents nicely. Or stepping outside and breathing the cold winter air. Giving myself little moments like that of rest, of joy, of stolen snapshots of peace in the middle of the mayhem every holiday was.

I think that's what kept me sane.

And it wasn't easy. I especially remember the last Christmas with AXH, when I couldn't go to midnight mass because he was too drunk to be left alone with kids and candles. So I set the alarm to get up early and go to a 5 am service. Only to find that AXH was still up and still drunk as a skunk. We opened presents with him not being able to even sit upright. I think every such experience helped me build the conviction that I was worth better than that. It took time, but I did get there.
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