Buddhism
I've been having the most wicked cravings lately, all day every day. I've come to realize that there is no use fighting the cravings, because the problem is within my own head, I can't very well combat something using a tool that is already fighting against me.
There are a lot of very powerful concepts that I KNOW in theory, but I can't seem to APPLY them.
I've come to accept that my thoughts and mind are not who I am, and that by observing them I set myself apart from them. When observed I am able to step outside of emotions and thoughts and they lose control of me. If I get angry I can observe the anger, I can feel the physical effects of it, but I don't have to be consumed by it.
I want to get high, I want to use again over the holidays, but I know that external sources of pleasure are never sustainable. I can't tell myself this, I can't reason with myself, because my mind is where the problem is. The only thing I can do is stop fighting and become the observer, and in theory the act of observing the craving rather than being it should diminish it. In theory it works, but I'm having a really difficult time with this. I try to pull myself into the present moment, but the addiction just grabs me and pulls me back. It shows me a future where I am going to have fun, it's like being a kid on Christmas eve. I can't sleep, I'm restless, because I know the Christmas tree is stocked with presents. If I was told as a kid to not participate in gift opening, it would have emotionally killed me, and what kid wouldn't be devastated by that. As an adult I'm feeling that same way again towards the drugs. I know what to do about it, but I don't feel proficient enough at this skill to make it happen and be at peace.
I know in the past there have been people here who have done things like this. How did you practice becoming separated from your busy thoughts? I feel like the only problem is that I'm new to this skill and lack experience, I have to build that up somehow and it will grow easier...