meggy, this is not uncommon for the victims of abuse. As I understand it--it is because the person that you look to for your source of love is the same one that is doling out the abuse. It makes you confused and feel "crazy". It is not your fault--it is the fault of the perpetrator!!!!!
You need help from professionals who understand this kind of thing and have experience.
I cannot urge you strongly enough to contact your domestic violence center--as they are setup for and want to help you. Right now, they are your best and most reliable source of support.
1-800-799-SAFE
Please don't assume there is no help....and that your situation is hopeless--because that is not true--there are people can and will help.
dandylion