Really struggling

Old 12-14-2013, 04:20 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 89
Exclamation Really struggling

Hi, I'm new here. And I'm really really struggling.

I had to break up with my boyfriend of 7 years. He checked himself into detox yesterday and I've been a mess. I'm more sad than anything because I'm losing my best friend who I love and care about beyond words. I'm afraid of what will happen to him because we are extremely close (but also toxic).

The story (it's long, bear with me):

We met in college, and he was my first relationship, my first everything. I thought he was intense but charming, sweet, kind, a little bit of a bad boy with tattoos. I met his family, they lived in a nice house and were as normal as a family can be. My parents didn't think he was good enough for me, but he was also my first boyfriend ever (I'm a very shy, introverted person). We lived about an hour away from each other so I would stay at his parents house a couple nights a week since I worked closer to them. He and I would drink and watch movies in the basement. A few months after we started dating I found out I was pregnant and had an abortion which was really hard on both of us. He was in the room with me to hold my hand. I know he really wanted a baby but I knew we both were not ready. In 2010 we moved in together and everything was pretty awesome that first year. We were both really happy.

But the trouble with alcohol began. He worked at a restaurant as a dishwasher. The management was horrible, they would treat him like ****. One of the managers would bribe him with shots after. So if he finished cleaning in a certain amount of time they would give him a shot or two of alcohol. He used to buy top shelf alcohol and it would last a while, but he enjoyed drinking. Soon though, he began drinking before work (he worked at night so had the day to drink and it's a ten minute walk from our apartment). I could tell he was miserable there. He was upset when on Valentines Day he had taken the day off months before and they told him he had to work. One day he was drunk and I came home from work wondering why he wasn't at work. He was so mad he called them to say he wasn't coming in and they said not to come in again.

I will also point out he wasn't very good in school growing up, failed out of college twice, and was bullied a lot, and constantly felt like an outsider. So in the years up until now, the drinking got worse when he was out of a job for months. All he would do was drink and watch tv. I knew it was becoming a problem but didn't know how bad it would get, I never even considered alcoholism until it was really bad. His parents would give us money to help pay bills but he would buy a lot of alcohol with that money too. Now it was the cheap stuff (still makes me sick thinking about it). I never was into drinking until I met him. I began to drink more and more. We had some really great nights drinking together.

But I knew it was a problem for me when I was drinking everyday along with him and I'd call in sick from work or feel dizzy on the train and my body would hate me all day. I would have a few shots, he would make his drinks with soda or some other mixer and waaay too much alcohol. Or he would use a rocks glass. So over the last few years, he lost about 5 jobs mostly due to drinking and I know it was a huge huge blow to his self esteem. In 2011, he was attacked by an off duty cop for saying hi to his wife. He also got into a fight with a neighbor and was arrested. That really was tough for him because he thought it was going on his record but charges were dropped. A good thing that happened during his unemployment was he got into cooking and his parents paid for him to go to culinary school. We thought this would help and he seemed to love it. But he was still drinking a lot. Then he failed the course.

Now it's the beginning of 2013 and his drinking is even more out of control. I started to dump bottles. He started physically abusing me. Pulling hair, choking, kicking, hitting, punching walls, throwing things. He dumped a glass of vodka on my head. He would say terribly mean things to me because I was confronting him about his wrongdoings. I would come home from work and he would be passed out or sick or crying about how he's sorry and loves me and would tell me things about his past. In February, I found out he took off to see another woman two states away for a weekend. I confronted him but he insisted it wasn't a big deal, that I was a jealous girlfriend. In April or May I found a video of them having sex, both totally drunk. I flipped out. I was hurt beyond any pain I had felt before. I was betrayed. I took him back because he promised he would get help. He went to Adcare for three months and things were really changing. He was sober for the whole summer (but drinking non-alcoholic beer). But he really seemed happy. I was happy. We were happy. I thought things were finally going to get better.

Then the relapse in late September. For some unknown reason he decided to drink and it all went to hell, even worse now. The abuse got worse, I begged and begged and begged him to stop. I threatened to leave. His parents moved across the country so they couldn't help much. Eventually he stopped going to meetings because he was too drunk. He would lie to my face (I now realized this) and would make excuses to go down to the basement and chug fortified wine. I dumped countless bottles and recycled countless empty ones. By this point I had been screaming and yelling at him that he was a loser and a piece of **** (seriously said this to him soooo many times and the guilt I feel is awful). He was getting worse but in denial. He was puking every single day, his body shutting down. We got into a fight last Friday. I told him if he didn't stop drinking I would take his kitten away (I knew it would upset him) and he proceeded to hit and kick me. I broke down and called the cops. I was so ******* tired of his abuse and so confused and scared and alone. I had reached my breaking point. He was fired from the job he loved (chef on a food truck) because I told his boss (also an addict) about what happened. This killed him. The entire week he was drunk. No joke. I must have found 10 bottles if not more. I was sooo scared. I called his mom in Florida who feels just as helpless and she tried to get him to call a detox center. He didn't. I confronted him and he broke down in tears and so much pain and anguish saying he has been trying so hard and it was so ******* heartbreaking to see him be so broken and me be powerless.

I finally got him to check himself in yesterday. I finally broke down and reached out to my family and friends. I told him he hit me but lied about how many times and the other ways he hurt me. I'm angry about him hurting me but I also feel for HIM. All I want to do is give him a hug. I know our relationship NEEDS to end for both of us to get better but I'm losing my best friend and it's so incredibly painful! I've been crying non stop for two days now. I didn't go to work. Everyone thinks I'm doing the right thing by moving on. I need to find another apartment. But I really just want my best friend back even though realistically I know it was beyond unhealthy in a lot of ways, we were also very very close friends and it kills me to give up on him. I don't want this to end so badly. I wrote him a letter. I want to be there for him as a support (e-mail, phone) but don't know if that's a good idea. I want to move on with my life and not have this stress and hell to go through anymore but I feel like I can't live without him in my life. I just want to feel his arms around me again (even though he has abused me). I'm so heartbroken :0(
meggygoround30 is offline  
Old 12-14-2013, 05:19 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Bunnies!
 
NWGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Here is one of the stickies from the top of the forum, with links to articles on abuse. Whether you see it that way or not, you are a victim of domestic abuse. No one has a right to lay their hand on you. It doesn't matter if they've been drinking, they have NO RIGHT to touch you. You are also a victim of emotional abuse (I don't think there's an alcoholic relationship that is free from emotional abuse).

About Abuse

So much of your post is about him. We are here to talk about you, and how you can help yourself. So, let's talk about you. How are you doing?
NWGRITS is offline  
Old 12-14-2013, 05:20 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
I'm so sorry to hear about all of what has happened to you. My advice, and I am probably nearly 20 years older than you and was with an alcoholic for three plus years who did many of the things that your BF did, is to cut off all contact and move on. The person your boyfriend was many years ago is gone. This is what addiction does. And even if your BF did get sober, the prognosis long term is grim. I have realized that many people can never sustain sobriety, especially if they are "low bottom drunks", meaning that legal and job problems do not deter them from continuing to drink. Even if he was sober, it sounds like your BF has got a lot of troubles in life and it would take many years for him to address them all and be a healthy person. If he could even do it. It's hard for relatively healthy people to change. It's practically impossible for addicts to.

You sound like a very nice person. You deserve a stable life and relationship. It's very unlikely you will ever have that with your BF. All I can say is move on. I'm dating a nice, normal guy now. I'm taking it slow. But I am haunted by the trauma of being with an alcoholic. It's a terrible place to be and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

You are young. You can meet a stable guy and have a marriage and children. Even if your BF recovers, he could relapse at any time, years or decades down the road. Trust me when I say that you do not want to put children through that. Hang in there. Keep visiting the boards. Go to Al Anon. You will see that things will get truly better down the road.
changeschoices is offline  
Old 12-14-2013, 05:23 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Welcome, Meggygoround. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but I know you will find support here. Others will be along soon to give you some ES&H, including those with more experience with abusive relationships.

You are going through some huge changes at the moment, so please be gentle with yourself. It's okay to cry, have a pity party, whatever. You are grieving - probably more than you realize right now. Do you have a friend or family member that can spend some time with you - watch a movie, play a game, anything to busy yourself?

Please learn about alcoholism. There are many resources online, books, etc. I would recommend an AlAnon meeting for some face to face support, and keep reading/posting here. Unfortunately, you are not alone in your situation.

The main thing you should focus on now is you - make sure to get plenty of rest, eat well, and do things you enjoy. Get out & spend time with friends and family. Pamper yourself. Big hugs, meggy, you've been through a lot.
CarryOn is offline  
Old 12-14-2013, 05:25 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
God's Kid
 
lizw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Please take care of yourself and if you can check out al anon. I have found a lot of help, comfort and hope there.
lizw is offline  
Old 12-14-2013, 06:26 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 89
Thanks everyone. No one I know knows the emotional hell I have gone through. I don't know why or how I put up with it for so long. Getting up in the morning, going to work with a smile on my face like I'm totally fine. And the twisted part is all I can think about are the good things about him, even though he abused me countless times. I don't understand how I could so easily let him back in every single time. Something he would say or do would melt my heart and love him again. It's SO HARD for me to open my eyes to the addiction and violence. I was holding on to those little moments of joy with him. Is it wrong that I feel sorry for him? That I still care and love him? I don't want to but I do. I know it will pass over time but I can't get over how he could be totally loveable, kind, caring- the person I fell in love with- and then turn into such a monster. And he had such a hold on me. Just a smile from him could bring me back. It's so confusing and I'm glad people are telling me I deserve better and I'll be ok because for so many years I have looked at myself in the mirror, tears streaming down my face, knowing I deserve better but he kept dragging me back in. His parents don't know how abusive and sick he is and I'm afraid to tell them in fear of them yelling at me about not doing something sooner.
meggygoround30 is offline  
Old 12-14-2013, 06:30 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
InvisibleFrank's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: London
Posts: 18
I've been on both sides of this coin and it sure is difficult.
InvisibleFrank is offline  
Old 12-14-2013, 06:31 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Not waving, but drowning
 
Danae's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
It is ok to feel something (sorry for him) but to act to protect yourself against damage (go no contact for the time being).

These two things can coexist. You don't have to give him access to you, which may be harmful, just because you feel bad for him.

And yes, of course you deserve better!
Danae is offline  
Old 12-15-2013, 02:25 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
TheMs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by meggygoround30 View Post
And the twisted part is all I can think about are the good things about him, even though he abused me countless times. I don't understand how I could so easily let him back in every single time. Something he would say or do would melt my heart and love him again. It's SO HARD for me to open my eyes to the addiction and violence.
I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this. I am pretty much in the same boat as you. I left my home a little over 2 weeks ago and am also struggling with the part of your post that I quoted.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone. The wonderful people here will advice you and give you insight, please hear their words.

Please take care of yourself, you need it and deserve it. Hugs!
TheMs is offline  
Old 12-15-2013, 05:00 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
meggy, this is not uncommon for the victims of abuse. As I understand it--it is because the person that you look to for your source of love is the same one that is doling out the abuse. It makes you confused and feel "crazy". It is not your fault--it is the fault of the perpetrator!!!!!

You need help from professionals who understand this kind of thing and have experience.

I cannot urge you strongly enough to contact your domestic violence center--as they are setup for and want to help you. Right now, they are your best and most reliable source of support.
1-800-799-SAFE

Please don't assume there is no help....and that your situation is hopeless--because that is not true--there are people can and will help.

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 12-15-2013, 05:10 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 89
Thank you. I'm glad I'm finally reaching out.
meggygoround30 is offline  
Old 12-15-2013, 05:12 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Keeping it simple!
 
LadyinBC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by meggygoround30 View Post
I confronted him and he broke down in tears and so much pain and anguish saying he has been trying so hard and it was so ******* heartbreaking to see him be so broken and me be powerless.
Okay I'm an alcoholic so I am going to give you my views on this. We are notorious for manipulation. Isn't it interesting how we turn everything around so that instead of it being about you it is all about us? Now he has you more worried about him and you feeling powerless. Exactly how we want to control you.

And you have a double whammy because he is physically abusing you as well. These relationships are even harder to get out of.

In someway it is easy for us because we can use the excuse, "well, I was drunk" "I don't remember anything" "I blacked out" etc. You however can't unhear, unsee or unfeel it. But of course we want you to know that this isn't the REAL US. But you know what, it is.

Real men don't hit women when they are sober or even when they are drunk. As hard as this is, get out of this now, cut all contact and ties with him and never look back.

Don't ever settle for someone treating you like this, you have way more power here than you think. Turn it around and make it all about you!
LadyinBC is offline  
Old 12-15-2013, 05:37 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by LadyinBC View Post
Okay I'm an alcoholic so I am going to give you my views on this. We are notorious for manipulation. Isn't it interesting how we turn everything around so that instead of it being about you it is all about us? Now he has you more worried about him and you feeling powerless. Exactly how we want to control you.

And you have a double whammy because he is physically abusing you as well. These relationships are even harder to get out of.

In someway it is easy for us because we can use the excuse, "well, I was drunk" "I don't remember anything" "I blacked out" etc. You however can't unhear, unsee or unfeel it. But of course we want you to know that this isn't the REAL US. But you know what, it is.
Yes! He would say he blacked out, didn't remember, it's not really him, he loves me. When I told him what he did because he didn't remember, he would say he was sorry and felt awful but there was no emotion behind his words. The more I reach out and look back on the past 7 years, the more I see how messed up he was.

Thank you for sharing your insight. He is so far from admitting anything to himself and I don't know if he will.
meggygoround30 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:57 AM.