meggygoround30

Hi, I'm new here. And I'm really really struggling.

I had to break up with my boyfriend of 7 years. He checked himself into detox yesterday and I've been a mess. I'm more sad than anything because I'm losing my best friend who I love and care about beyond words. I'm afraid of what will happen to him because we are extremely close (but also toxic).

The story (it's long, bear with me):

We met in college, and he was my first relationship, my first everything. I thought he was intense but charming, sweet, kind, a little bit of a bad boy with tattoos. I met his family, they lived in a nice house and were as normal as a family can be. My parents didn't think he was good enough for me, but he was also my first boyfriend ever (I'm a very shy, introverted person). We lived about an hour away from each other so I would stay at his parents house a couple nights a week since I worked closer to them. He and I would drink and watch movies in the basement. A few months after we started dating I found out I was pregnant and had an abortion which was really hard on both of us. He was in the room with me to hold my hand. I know he really wanted a baby but I knew we both were not ready. In 2010 we moved in together and everything was pretty awesome that first year. We were both really happy.

But the trouble with alcohol began. He worked at a restaurant as a dishwasher. The management was horrible, they would treat him like ****. One of the managers would bribe him with shots after. So if he finished cleaning in a certain amount of time they would give him a shot or two of alcohol. He used to buy top shelf alcohol and it would last a while, but he enjoyed drinking. Soon though, he began drinking before work (he worked at night so had the day to drink and it's a ten minute walk from our apartment). I could tell he was miserable there. He was upset when on Valentines Day he had taken the day off months before and they told him he had to work. One day he was drunk and I came home from work wondering why he wasn't at work. He was so mad he called them to say he wasn't coming in and they said not to come in again.

I will also point out he wasn't very good in school growing up, failed out of college twice, and was bullied a lot, and constantly felt like an outsider. So in the years up until now, the drinking got worse when he was out of a job for months. All he would do was drink and watch tv. I knew it was becoming a problem but didn't know how bad it would get, I never even considered alcoholism until it was really bad. His parents would give us money to help pay bills but he would buy a lot of alcohol with that money too. Now it was the cheap stuff (still makes me sick thinking about it). I never was into drinking until I met him. I began to drink more and more. We had some really great nights drinking together.

But I knew it was a problem for me when I was drinking everyday along with him and I'd call in sick from work or feel dizzy on the train and my body would hate me all day. I would have a few shots, he would make his drinks with soda or some other mixer and waaay too much alcohol. Or he would use a rocks glass. So over the last few years, he lost about 5 jobs mostly due to drinking and I know it was a huge huge blow to his self esteem. In 2011, he was attacked by an off duty cop for saying hi to his wife. He also got into a fight with a neighbor and was arrested. That really was tough for him because he thought it was going on his record but charges were dropped. A good thing that happened during his unemployment was he got into cooking and his parents paid for him to go to culinary school. We thought this would help and he seemed to love it. But he was still drinking a lot. Then he failed the course.

Now it's the beginning of 2013 and his drinking is even more out of control. I started to dump bottles. He started physically abusing me. Pulling hair, choking, kicking, hitting, punching walls, throwing things. He dumped a glass of vodka on my head. He would say terribly mean things to me because I was confronting him about his wrongdoings. I would come home from work and he would be passed out or sick or crying about how he's sorry and loves me and would tell me things about his past. In February, I found out he took off to see another woman two states away for a weekend. I confronted him but he insisted it wasn't a big deal, that I was a jealous girlfriend. In April or May I found a video of them having sex, both totally drunk. I flipped out. I was hurt beyond any pain I had felt before. I was betrayed. I took him back because he promised he would get help. He went to Adcare for three months and things were really changing. He was sober for the whole summer (but drinking non-alcoholic beer). But he really seemed happy. I was happy. We were happy. I thought things were finally going to get better.

Then the relapse in late September. For some unknown reason he decided to drink and it all went to hell, even worse now. The abuse got worse, I begged and begged and begged him to stop. I threatened to leave. His parents moved across the country so they couldn't help much. Eventually he stopped going to meetings because he was too drunk. He would lie to my face (I now realized this) and would make excuses to go down to the basement and chug fortified wine. I dumped countless bottles and recycled countless empty ones. By this point I had been screaming and yelling at him that he was a loser and a piece of **** (seriously said this to him soooo many times and the guilt I feel is awful). He was getting worse but in denial. He was puking every single day, his body shutting down. We got into a fight last Friday. I told him if he didn't stop drinking I would take his kitten away (I knew it would upset him) and he proceeded to hit and kick me. I broke down and called the cops. I was so ******* tired of his abuse and so confused and scared and alone. I had reached my breaking point. He was fired from the job he loved (chef on a food truck) because I told his boss (also an addict) about what happened. This killed him. The entire week he was drunk. No joke. I must have found 10 bottles if not more. I was sooo scared. I called his mom in Florida who feels just as helpless and she tried to get him to call a detox center. He didn't. I confronted him and he broke down in tears and so much pain and anguish saying he has been trying so hard and it was so ******* heartbreaking to see him be so broken and me be powerless.

I finally got him to check himself in yesterday. I finally broke down and reached out to my family and friends. I told him he hit me but lied about how many times and the other ways he hurt me. I'm angry about him hurting me but I also feel for HIM. All I want to do is give him a hug. I know our relationship NEEDS to end for both of us to get better but I'm losing my best friend and it's so incredibly painful! I've been crying non stop for two days now. I didn't go to work. Everyone thinks I'm doing the right thing by moving on. I need to find another apartment. But I really just want my best friend back even though realistically I know it was beyond unhealthy in a lot of ways, we were also very very close friends and it kills me to give up on him. I don't want this to end so badly. I wrote him a letter. I want to be there for him as a support (e-mail, phone) but don't know if that's a good idea. I want to move on with my life and not have this stress and hell to go through anymore but I feel like I can't live without him in my life. I just want to feel his arms around me again (even though he has abused me). I'm so heartbroken :0(