I was in and out of sobriety for almost 18 months and it frustrated me terribly. I thought I really wanted to quit, but after having a few good sober days or weeks, I would mindlessly pick up.
I think the crux of the matter was that I still believed, hidden there in my subconscious mind, the belief that I could somehow create the conditions to drink safely. If I just did this, or if I just did that, I could drink and everything would be alright. I ALWAYS proved that wasn't the case.
During this time of on and off drinking I continued to go to meetings, listen to speakers, go to my outpatient therapist...do it all to try and stay sober.
I think "the" change happened, that fundamental psychic change happened after I hit bottom, that last time. It wasn't really the worst of my binges, but it was a bad one that hit me after a relatively long period of being sober. I think it was frightening enough to finally reach that hidden place in my subconscious mind that believed in safe drinking. The experience finally negated that thought.
I believe that fundamental change in attitude finally happened for 2 reasons: the months of meetings, the step work and the gradual mental changes combined with the severity of that last binge.
Today I believe completely, with no hidden thoughts secreted away in my mind, that alcohol is like a poison to me and that one drink is a disastrous choice.