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In and out of sobriety

Old 12-13-2013, 12:20 PM
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In and out of sobriety

I seem to really be struggling to make the whole sobriety thing stick. Got hammered it last night after 34 days of sobriety and am dealing with the fallout today.

I first admitted I had a serious problem in April this year and I've been in and out of AA and sobriety in general since. The longest sober period I've had so far is about 3 months, with a few other shorter runs.

I've posted here before about how I've let complacency get the better of me before. It seems like the pattern for me is to have a alcohol-related crisis erupt, focus on sobriety, get a few months in and then lose focus. I start to drink "in moderation", and then rocket past moderation straight back to "swimming in booze."

Is this sort of "in and out" pattern something you guys have dealt with? How have you gotten past it?
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Old 12-13-2013, 12:34 PM
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I had the same thing with quitting cigarettes.

I must have quit 100 times or more. Sometimes it lasted for part of a day, someties a few days, sometimes a few weeks or a few months. Once for almost 2 years and then I thought I'd have 'just one'. A the time, I felt like I was going around in circles. Eventually, I got sick of that and I thought, if I'd just strung all of my time quit together rather than interrupting it with time smoking, I'd have a long time quit.

I got tired of the feeling after a relapse. I got tired of having to quit again. I learned a lot from each quit attempt and that helped me.

I put those lessons to use and remembered how crappy I felt after relapsing. I learned that 'just one' was an illusion that would get me EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I haven't relapsed at all on the alcohol, but I think it's because I relapsed so many times with cigarettes that I learned from that.

One thing that helped me actually was to commit to 1 year no cigarettes. I KNEW I could handle 3 months becuase I'd quit for that long before, so there was no reason I couldn't handle a year. Once I did that, it took out the option of relapsing and I knew that after a year, the cravings would get way better. That was how I quit for almost 2 years the first time. This time, I set my goal at 2 years because I almost made it that long before, I can make it longer this time. Truth be told though, I would like to avoid ever having to quit again, so I kind of plan to stay quit for good.

It sounds like you're getting tired of this "in and out" pattern, so why not commit to a longer period of sobriety??
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Old 12-13-2013, 12:42 PM
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I like the idea of committing to a specific period.

Honestly, just saying "I'm not drinking anymore!" sounds bit hollow after having said precisely that at least half a dozen times before. "Never again," says the drunkard the next morning, to the disbelief of all in earshot.

"I'm not drinking at all for a year" seems like it will make it a bit more concrete and less daunting. Three months was doable, next up, 12.
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Old 12-13-2013, 12:55 PM
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I started with six months "no negotiations" with myself when I quit drinking.

By the time I had that, like DG said, cravings were so much easier I made it a year.

It really works if you leave no cracks in the door.
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Old 12-13-2013, 01:02 PM
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I was on and off for years and it took me ages to realise I couldn't just have one or a couple or even half a dozen. The penny just seemed to drop one day. No matter what programs I used or recovery methods. It just clicked with me when I was sitting with my small daughter.
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Old 12-13-2013, 01:07 PM
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Originally Posted by newwestdork View Post
I like the idea of committing to a specific period.

Honestly, just saying "I'm not drinking anymore!" sounds bit hollow after having said precisely that at least half a dozen times before. "Never again," says the drunkard the next morning, to the disbelief of all in earshot.

"I'm not drinking at all for a year" seems like it will make it a bit more concrete and less daunting. Three months was doable, next up, 12.
Maybe when you get to a year, forever won't seem so daunting.

For me, I had to accept never drinking again. Accept it and make it my goal. Never drink again. Any set period of sobriety, for me, was just negociating with my addiction. If I planned for 6 months, I could usually talk myself back into drinking in three months, because that was almost six months and I practically proved I could do that. What BS I fed myself.

Even "one day at a time" seemed to leave the door open to my addiction, like "one day" I could drink. Once I accepted I wasn't a normal drinker, never would be a normal drinker, and that I could never drink, it was like the committment switch was thrown in my head.

But that's me. Pick what works for you and good luck. Because the cycle of quitting and starting again just makes for worse and worse withdrawals.
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Old 12-13-2013, 02:23 PM
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I have realised that I can never be a moderate drinker again and absolute teetotalism is the only option for me.
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Old 12-13-2013, 02:43 PM
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I had to accept that alcohol and I had a toxic relationship. It always ended badly.
I resolved to make a change and take drinking off the table as an option - for good.

Committing to some kind of support is vital too I think - whether it be AA and the steps, or SMART or Life Ring, or Rational Recovery - or even checking in here regularly and posting to others.


D
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Old 12-13-2013, 02:49 PM
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Originally Posted by newwestdork View Post
Is this sort of "in and out" pattern something you guys have dealt with? How have you gotten past it?
Couldn't do it, and never tried.

When I first got sober, I didn't have a drink for twenty five years prior to a three-year relapse during which I lost everything. Again. Like Carl, I needed to stop for good. Though I appreciated and practiced the "one day at a time" process, I was also aware, at first, that I could never again drink, and then later, that I didn't ever have to drink again. Not ever. This attitude went a long way in keeping me sober. Making a half-assed or open-ended commitment to remain sober would have been equivalent to my picking the date of my next relapse out of a hat.

This time, I've been sober since August of 2011, and I again don't ever expect to drink again. It takes a lot of pressure off by my committing to a lifetime of sobriety while also allowing me to focus on getting and then staying sober.

I've been fortunate to be able to create a life that makes me happy, grateful and proud, and I don't intend on throwing it away again.
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Old 12-13-2013, 02:52 PM
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Just make a firm commitment to yourself that you will go at least 6 months without drinking. Stick to it and you will see how much easier it gets once you go this long. Time really is the biggest key we have, get enough time away from it and all those nasty cravings begin to vanish. Then your habit will become manageable.
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Old 12-13-2013, 07:40 PM
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For me I have just realized it's easier to STAY sober than to GET sober. I got soooo tired of how I felt AFTER drinking and the drama that ensued - I finally came to the conclusion - it's just not worth the aftermath I go through. My last relapse was a 3 week bender (after detox treatment). I thought I could "go back to fun drinking". I've just past that point where I can't drink anymore. It's not fun - it's not worth it. So I don't.
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Old 12-13-2013, 09:39 PM
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I went through it for about 3 years, 2010 to today. As I have posted here before I was a chronic relapser. I think for me though, more often than not I would plan my relapses. Like I would think ok if I can make it 30 days then I can drink etc. Longest I went was 90 days and that was court ordered. Once again I told myself just get through that 90 days. Now today I am 50 days sober and what's different is I have no plans to drink. But some days it's hard. I go to meetings and talk to a sponsor and others in recovery. I don't really do one day at a time or forever. I just tell myself drinking is not an option for me right now and push on.
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Old 12-13-2013, 11:34 PM
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I was in and out of sobriety for almost 18 months and it frustrated me terribly. I thought I really wanted to quit, but after having a few good sober days or weeks, I would mindlessly pick up.

I think the crux of the matter was that I still believed, hidden there in my subconscious mind, the belief that I could somehow create the conditions to drink safely. If I just did this, or if I just did that, I could drink and everything would be alright. I ALWAYS proved that wasn't the case.

During this time of on and off drinking I continued to go to meetings, listen to speakers, go to my outpatient therapist...do it all to try and stay sober.

I think "the" change happened, that fundamental psychic change happened after I hit bottom, that last time. It wasn't really the worst of my binges, but it was a bad one that hit me after a relatively long period of being sober. I think it was frightening enough to finally reach that hidden place in my subconscious mind that believed in safe drinking. The experience finally negated that thought.

I believe that fundamental change in attitude finally happened for 2 reasons: the months of meetings, the step work and the gradual mental changes combined with the severity of that last binge.
Today I believe completely, with no hidden thoughts secreted away in my mind, that alcohol is like a poison to me and that one drink is a disastrous choice.
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Old 12-14-2013, 04:52 AM
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One Day at a Time. That's my focus! I read in the Big Book in Chapter 3 where it suggested that I try some "controlled" drinking. I knew that was out of the question because I'd never been able to control my drinking. Then, I read that if I had any doubt as to whether or not I was alcoholic to try not drinking for a year. That's all it took for me. I hadn't gone a day without drinking for as long as I could remember. I came to AA and my sponsor told me to just do whatever it took to not drink, just for today. That seemed manageable, although there were times when I had to break it down to hours, when I was dealing with something that seemed overwhelming. After a couple months, I realized one day that I hadn't even had the urge to drink for a couple months and that's when I knew the program was working.

It won't be too long until I can celebrate over 13,500 days of not having to take that next drink. What a great gift. Thing is, I still know in my gut that if I drink just one, the next one will follow until I've lost everything. Where my drinking is concerned, my past drinking is the best indication of my future drinking and I don't want any part of it.
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Old 12-14-2013, 05:09 AM
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It ends until you end it....

I spent 25 years like this...I don't suggest waiting that long!
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Old 12-14-2013, 07:01 AM
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"Is this sort of "in and out" pattern something you guys have dealt with? How have you gotten past it? "

IMO, its pattern of people on the fence.
how to deal with it? make a decision to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.

its been workin for me pretty good.
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