I did it again too.
Gosh...We've broken up or seperate at least 5-6 times
I'm not sure of how many anymore.
Our lives progressively got worst and worst.
A lot of losts as you can imagine.
As she got deeper and deeper and sicker and sicker
it made me sicker and sicker..probably sicker than her
becuase I feel everything and she was NUMB the whole damn time.
I got so sick. I picked up and relaped myself.
11 years of being clean and sober.
I called her bluff. She truned everything against me
and blames me of everything. But thur it all
the same thing remains, She was still F**ken using.
She told me that if I relaped and used , she would leave me.
Will ....I freanken did and she still hung around.
It was also to proof a piont to her.
If a person really wanted to stop it was possiable and can be
accomplished . Yet she would still be blind or dosen't want it.
You see how powerful this disease is.....
I sacrified my clean time for the woman I love
Plus many, many more sacrifes. I endured the rush to judgement.
It is also true however, not many make it back after they relapes.
One must asked Why the hell did I make it back ?
My motive behind my relaps would be the factor.
It is also God's grace of unconditional love for me.
It knows I truely loves this women for the pain, suffering,
and sacrified. I basically let myself be dragged down with it all.
Perhapes...Adam's sin is true after all.
I hope and pray for god's miracle everyday for I know
she's a loving child of god also.
It is true that I'm powerless over her.
It is also true that no human power has the power to relieve
her of her alcoholism or disease. For my love for her had fail and I
had fail.
It is also a humbling expereince for me. Being humble is a major
ingrdeint for the 12 steps program. I only have 120 + days and not
the 12 years I should have.lol
As I get better and not as sick. I find it irratating to even
have any type of contacts or discussion with her.
As I work my steps more vegerouisly today.
I'm a living proof that the 12 steps works and recoverying
Alki/addict, do recover and capiable of loving and caring.
The 12 steps works for familes members as will.
I must want it. It works if you work it
A bottom is differnent for everybody
One defernition is what I have lost or is going to loose
is more important than the booz or drugs.
Some us die before we ever get there.
I requested a termination of all contacts with her today. (again)
As I myself must accept to let go.
I hope I really mean it this time. Becuase I did it agin.lol
she the woman holding the red air plane
I still love her I guess or have hope the she would not have to
die before she gets it. I know she's not really happy deep inside
and needs help.
But damn.....she hardhead and CRaaaazy!!!!
I hope it wasn't from living with me.lol