I did it again...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
I did it again... I need some advice
Ew why do I do this to myself???????? I know he has been drinking again, but I just couldn't let it go at that.
He of course is passed out stinkin it up in bed. I am doing laundry, well his clothes are just right there so of course I have to look in his pockets for you know beer reciepts yea of course there are a couple. One from tonight when he told me he was going to a friends for something really fast.
Okay so this get's me curious to see if the beer is gone so I go look in his jeep and there sits a 12pack and can scattered about in his jeep. Arghhhhhh!
I looked in the back and he has his hunting bag, a sleeping bag and a pillow. What in the world for???? I don't think there is anything to hunt right now and he didn't say anything to me about anything........I am now a little freaked out.
Geez if I would have been strong and not snooped (which I haven't done for at least a month) well you know ignorance is bliss..........
I really want to go look through the bag to see what's in it good or bad idea?
HELP!!!!!!!!
Mindi
He of course is passed out stinkin it up in bed. I am doing laundry, well his clothes are just right there so of course I have to look in his pockets for you know beer reciepts yea of course there are a couple. One from tonight when he told me he was going to a friends for something really fast.
Okay so this get's me curious to see if the beer is gone so I go look in his jeep and there sits a 12pack and can scattered about in his jeep. Arghhhhhh!
I looked in the back and he has his hunting bag, a sleeping bag and a pillow. What in the world for???? I don't think there is anything to hunt right now and he didn't say anything to me about anything........I am now a little freaked out.
Geez if I would have been strong and not snooped (which I haven't done for at least a month) well you know ignorance is bliss..........
I really want to go look through the bag to see what's in it good or bad idea?
HELP!!!!!!!!
Mindi
Last edited by queenofthehwy; 01-31-2005 at 11:16 AM.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Hi Mindy:
Well I guess I would have to say that it's a bad idea to go through his bag. After all, what would that prove? You already know he's been drinking. You already know he's been deceiving you. You already know you can't change his behavior and all you can do is work on you. That said, I've done the same thing in the past. I did it because I believed my AB was lying to me and I wanted to prove that I was right. Well, it proved I was right, but it didn't change anything. It didn't change the fact that I can't influence or control his behavior. It didn't bring me satisfaction from knowing I was right. And it certainly didn't bring me peace. In fact, it did just the opposite. It just confirmed that I was obsessed with changing something I cannot change--my boyfriend's behavior.
Once I started to realize it was a waste of time to change something that I could not control, I began to let go of those old habits. Now, I'm focusing my energy on controlling something I can change--me.
Well I guess I would have to say that it's a bad idea to go through his bag. After all, what would that prove? You already know he's been drinking. You already know he's been deceiving you. You already know you can't change his behavior and all you can do is work on you. That said, I've done the same thing in the past. I did it because I believed my AB was lying to me and I wanted to prove that I was right. Well, it proved I was right, but it didn't change anything. It didn't change the fact that I can't influence or control his behavior. It didn't bring me satisfaction from knowing I was right. And it certainly didn't bring me peace. In fact, it did just the opposite. It just confirmed that I was obsessed with changing something I cannot change--my boyfriend's behavior.
Once I started to realize it was a waste of time to change something that I could not control, I began to let go of those old habits. Now, I'm focusing my energy on controlling something I can change--me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
I know I thought about it more after I posted and you're right it doesn't even matter. What would it do, I already know and I can't do a thing about it.
With that said I still want to know why he has that kinda stuff packed up. Oh well!!
With that said I still want to know why he has that kinda stuff packed up. Oh well!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
queen- just remember they use anger and anxiety as their weapons, and maybe he thinks (in a twisted kind of control thing way) the stakes have been raised since you are learning to detach and he does not know what is going on. keep on keepin on and see how bizarre he'll get until he realizes you won't be having Your serenity messed w/by him!
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
I did it again too.
Gosh...We've broken up or seperate at least 5-6 times
I'm not sure of how many anymore.
Our lives progressively got worst and worst.
A lot of losts as you can imagine.
As she got deeper and deeper and sicker and sicker
it made me sicker and sicker..probably sicker than her
becuase I feel everything and she was NUMB the whole damn time.
I got so sick. I picked up and relaped myself.
11 years of being clean and sober.
I called her bluff. She truned everything against me
and blames me of everything. But thur it all
the same thing remains, She was still F**ken using.
She told me that if I relaped and used , she would leave me.
Will ....I freanken did and she still hung around.
It was also to proof a piont to her.
If a person really wanted to stop it was possiable and can be
accomplished . Yet she would still be blind or dosen't want it.
You see how powerful this disease is.....
I sacrified my clean time for the woman I love
Plus many, many more sacrifes. I endured the rush to judgement.
It is also true however, not many make it back after they relapes.
One must asked Why the hell did I make it back ?
My motive behind my relaps would be the factor.
It is also God's grace of unconditional love for me.
It knows I truely loves this women for the pain, suffering,
and sacrified. I basically let myself be dragged down with it all.
Perhapes...Adam's sin is true after all.
I hope and pray for god's miracle everyday for I know
she's a loving child of god also.
It is true that I'm powerless over her.
It is also true that no human power has the power to relieve
her of her alcoholism or disease. For my love for her had fail and I
had fail.
It is also a humbling expereince for me. Being humble is a major
ingrdeint for the 12 steps program. I only have 120 + days and not
the 12 years I should have.lol
As I get better and not as sick. I find it irratating to even
have any type of contacts or discussion with her.
As I work my steps more vegerouisly today.
I'm a living proof that the 12 steps works and recoverying
Alki/addict, do recover and capiable of loving and caring.
The 12 steps works for familes members as will.
I must want it. It works if you work it
A bottom is differnent for everybody
One defernition is what I have lost or is going to loose
is more important than the booz or drugs.
Some us die before we ever get there.
I requested a termination of all contacts with her today. (again)
As I myself must accept to let go.
I hope I really mean it this time. Becuase I did it agin.lol
she the woman holding the red air plane
I still love her I guess or have hope the she would not have to
die before she gets it. I know she's not really happy deep inside
and needs help.
But damn.....she hardhead and CRaaaazy!!!!
I hope it wasn't from living with me.lol
Gosh...We've broken up or seperate at least 5-6 times
I'm not sure of how many anymore.
Our lives progressively got worst and worst.
A lot of losts as you can imagine.
As she got deeper and deeper and sicker and sicker
it made me sicker and sicker..probably sicker than her
becuase I feel everything and she was NUMB the whole damn time.
I got so sick. I picked up and relaped myself.
11 years of being clean and sober.
I called her bluff. She truned everything against me
and blames me of everything. But thur it all
the same thing remains, She was still F**ken using.
She told me that if I relaped and used , she would leave me.
Will ....I freanken did and she still hung around.
It was also to proof a piont to her.
If a person really wanted to stop it was possiable and can be
accomplished . Yet she would still be blind or dosen't want it.
You see how powerful this disease is.....
I sacrified my clean time for the woman I love
Plus many, many more sacrifes. I endured the rush to judgement.
It is also true however, not many make it back after they relapes.
One must asked Why the hell did I make it back ?
My motive behind my relaps would be the factor.
It is also God's grace of unconditional love for me.
It knows I truely loves this women for the pain, suffering,
and sacrified. I basically let myself be dragged down with it all.
Perhapes...Adam's sin is true after all.
I hope and pray for god's miracle everyday for I know
she's a loving child of god also.
It is true that I'm powerless over her.
It is also true that no human power has the power to relieve
her of her alcoholism or disease. For my love for her had fail and I
had fail.
It is also a humbling expereince for me. Being humble is a major
ingrdeint for the 12 steps program. I only have 120 + days and not
the 12 years I should have.lol
As I get better and not as sick. I find it irratating to even
have any type of contacts or discussion with her.
As I work my steps more vegerouisly today.
I'm a living proof that the 12 steps works and recoverying
Alki/addict, do recover and capiable of loving and caring.
The 12 steps works for familes members as will.
I must want it. It works if you work it
A bottom is differnent for everybody
One defernition is what I have lost or is going to loose
is more important than the booz or drugs.
Some us die before we ever get there.
I requested a termination of all contacts with her today. (again)
As I myself must accept to let go.
I hope I really mean it this time. Becuase I did it agin.lol
she the woman holding the red air plane
I still love her I guess or have hope the she would not have to
die before she gets it. I know she's not really happy deep inside
and needs help.
But damn.....she hardhead and CRaaaazy!!!!
I hope it wasn't from living with me.lol
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Queen
Oh what a dilemma! I'm not going to have a go at you for snooping - you've recognised it and that's better than you were doing before.
Now for the bag. Hmm. I know that I would look, even now. But that's not really the right answer - it just shows me that I still have a way to go in my recovery. What would you do with the information that you would gain from looking?
On balance, I think you should keep the focus on you. He will do what he will do. You will be just fine whatever happens.
I've just had a thought - maybe he's just preparing in case you decide to throw him out next time he has a binge. I would maybe see this as a sign that he'snoticed you're getting stronger.
Take care
Love
Minnie
xxx
Oh what a dilemma! I'm not going to have a go at you for snooping - you've recognised it and that's better than you were doing before.
Now for the bag. Hmm. I know that I would look, even now. But that's not really the right answer - it just shows me that I still have a way to go in my recovery. What would you do with the information that you would gain from looking?
On balance, I think you should keep the focus on you. He will do what he will do. You will be just fine whatever happens.
I've just had a thought - maybe he's just preparing in case you decide to throw him out next time he has a binge. I would maybe see this as a sign that he'snoticed you're getting stronger.
Take care
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
I've just had a thought - maybe he's just preparing in case you decide to throw him out next time he has a binge.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Quit beating up on yourself - you're HUMAN!
Remember ... it's progress, not perfection. I was in a meeting last week when someone said, "My sponsor told me to quit shitting on myself." You are bound to have slips - everyone does. On the other hand, you've certainly been a source of wisdom and strength for me.
I also heard a woman in a meeting recently who has been working the program for five years and slipped when she started in our her son a few weeks ago - he's been clean and sober for three months - but she was terrified he was going to slip because one of his closest friends was murdered in a drug deal gone bad.
So stop dumping caa-caa all over yourself - you've been an inspiration to me - and you're also HUMAN!
I also heard a woman in a meeting recently who has been working the program for five years and slipped when she started in our her son a few weeks ago - he's been clean and sober for three months - but she was terrified he was going to slip because one of his closest friends was murdered in a drug deal gone bad.
So stop dumping caa-caa all over yourself - you've been an inspiration to me - and you're also HUMAN!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NOT in love thank goodness
Posts: 115
I'm sorry. Just have to ask. My ex-BF had five guns in our house. I hid the ammunition. THat isn't waht you mean is it?? ARe you worried for your safety? If that is the case...I would look. Most likely he has a few things tossed in there in case he gets kicked out. I would say so.
If you are just wondering then NO...don't snoop. If there is a safety issue....you think he's gone off the deep end. Then maybe. No holds barred when it comes to your safety. Of course if you feel like that...time to think about retreating in some form or fashion and putting space between you and him.
HUGS
If you are just wondering then NO...don't snoop. If there is a safety issue....you think he's gone off the deep end. Then maybe. No holds barred when it comes to your safety. Of course if you feel like that...time to think about retreating in some form or fashion and putting space between you and him.
HUGS
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
TV
That is what I was thinking about, but I could see there was not a rifle or shot gun the only handgun we have is safely stored away. I am not worried about mine or the kids saftey, if anything I worry about what he might do to himself.
That is what I was thinking about, but I could see there was not a rifle or shot gun the only handgun we have is safely stored away. I am not worried about mine or the kids saftey, if anything I worry about what he might do to himself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
And you know this already...and I will still say it...
It is not about you. It is not about you.
Any energy that you expend on figuring out what he is doing is taking energy away from YOU and what is important for your self-worth.
Think before you act...Will this matter? Will this bring me to a peaceful place? Will this make my life easier? Is this good for me?
Feed what you want to grow, not what you don't. You want YOU to grow, not YOUR thinking about his drinking.
Distraction...distraction...distraction. Read a book, watch TV, play with your children, bake bread, learn to knit, clean your bathroom.
He will do what he needs to do to "protect" his drinking, as it is vital to him. The more you seek information, the more energy he will put into hiding it, the more life force you will put into to seeking it and it is a completely unhealthy cycle and place to be.
It is not about you.
YOU are about you. YOU are worthy of putting your energy into things that are good and things you can contol, like you. Feed yourself.
Jenny
It is not about you. It is not about you.
Any energy that you expend on figuring out what he is doing is taking energy away from YOU and what is important for your self-worth.
Think before you act...Will this matter? Will this bring me to a peaceful place? Will this make my life easier? Is this good for me?
Feed what you want to grow, not what you don't. You want YOU to grow, not YOUR thinking about his drinking.
Distraction...distraction...distraction. Read a book, watch TV, play with your children, bake bread, learn to knit, clean your bathroom.
He will do what he needs to do to "protect" his drinking, as it is vital to him. The more you seek information, the more energy he will put into hiding it, the more life force you will put into to seeking it and it is a completely unhealthy cycle and place to be.
It is not about you.
YOU are about you. YOU are worthy of putting your energy into things that are good and things you can contol, like you. Feed yourself.
Jenny
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: somewhere far away
Posts: 27
A week ago, I would have looked, and maybe easier said than done, but after being here and reading and hearing what you all have to say, I would say don't look. One thing I have learned over the years is trust your instincts. You know what's in the bag, you know why. Listen to yourself, you don't need to look in the bag, you already know. On the other hand, I used to totally drive myself crazy looking for evidence. If I didn't find any, I would question if I really knew what was going on. I have since learned that if there is ever any doubt, it's probably true. My AH husband is passed out right now on the couch in his infamous position sitting but all slumped over....snoring. He was doing so well, I am so sad. Good luck, and let us know what you decided to do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Hi, sorry to take so long to reply I went on another little jaunt to the sierras for a week. I love horseback riding.
At this moment I am a bit fuzzy on the details of your situation. A new thread with a short re-cap would be helpful.
I frankly don't give a damn whether you look or not. Depends on your motivation and how it affects you. Is there something you need to know so you can help prepare yourself. Are there suicidal concerns?
Is it that obsessive keeping track of him, if it is that. Stop it.
Or option number three tell him straight up (my first choice) that you saw the sleeping bag and the gear in the truck and ask if there is something you need to know. Do you want to tell me what is going on? Then just listen. And when he has answered truthfully or not, just say "thank you"
At this moment I am a bit fuzzy on the details of your situation. A new thread with a short re-cap would be helpful.
I frankly don't give a damn whether you look or not. Depends on your motivation and how it affects you. Is there something you need to know so you can help prepare yourself. Are there suicidal concerns?
Is it that obsessive keeping track of him, if it is that. Stop it.
Or option number three tell him straight up (my first choice) that you saw the sleeping bag and the gear in the truck and ask if there is something you need to know. Do you want to tell me what is going on? Then just listen. And when he has answered truthfully or not, just say "thank you"
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