lolaiswaiting

I'm sorry to hear you relate on that level. Although we have different illnesses, our treatments and symptoms are probably quite similar. I am also on TPN and fluids.

It gives me great hope every time I hear of a severely ill woman with a loving husband. It seems to difficult to attain. But just tonight I had kind of an epiphany while talking with my mom. She pointed out that I was married to a loving doting man when I first got sick. He and I had moved in together just before I fell ill. For the next several years, I slowly got sicker and sicker, lost a ton of weight, couldn't eat much, etc. I spent a lot of time in the hospital back then. And he would come with me EVERY SINGLE TIME. Sleep next to me in the ER, hold my head for hours at night in front of the toilet. He even would bathe me sometimes. And he never ever once complained about it, or made me feel bad or guilty. He continued to do his own thing--go to work, see friends, etc. I was always invited but if I felt too sick, he'd just give me a kiss and hug and tell me "My cell phone's on if you need anything."

I look back at our relationship as wonderful, loving, safe, and supportive. But I have convinced myself that my picker is broken because of my current situation. This guy is the first relationship I had after my husband. And I also convinced myself that I'm now more damaged, because I'm sicker, and that nobody would want to deal with it.

But after talking to my mom tonight, I started thinking about it and I know in my heart of hearts that my ex husband would have been here with me through thick and thin. Even with the TPN and hospitals and scary stuff.

Somewhere along the line with my current meth addict, I started to believe that I am a burden, I'm damaged, I'm ugly and sick. I have lost all of my self esteem. I know this. Sometimes I can't think of a single thing I have to contribute to a relationship.

But my friends love me. And my boyfriend's friends are always telling me I'm "such a catch," and do I have any girl friends like myself? They even have pulled me aside and told me to find someone better, someone who deserves a girl like me.

I brush off these comments but I guess I shouldn't.

Sorry to ramble on about myself, NWGRITS. Thank you for sharing that about yourself. I need to keep hearing stories like that. There are a few women I've met through an online support group who have similar issues as you and me and I love hearing their stories of meeting their husbands, and how they cope together with the illness and rough times.

Before my boyfriend relapsed on meth, he was here for me most of the time. I can't discount that. When I had my picc line put in the first time, he was terrified of it (needles literally make him faint) but he slowly got used to it and eventually was setting up my TPN every night. He never made me feel self conscious about all of the tubes and monitors and whatnot. But for the last year, it's just these little comments he'll make. Like he'll tell me I'm "deteriorating" before his eyes, he's always commenting on my weight and picking at my lifestyle choices. Mostly he's just been pretty absent emotionally and physically. So he doesn't even know what's going on with me, but then will come around and criticize.

I would love to hear more about your previous relationship and how/why you got out of it, and how you met your current husband. This site won't let me send a PM, but I can receive them.

Thanks again for your comments. I will consider some "happy pills." I just hate to be medicated in that way, but I guess what's one more pill? I'm already on so many for my stomach