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New here, question about meth and infidelity... what would you do?



New here, question about meth and infidelity... what would you do?

Old 12-12-2013, 01:02 AM
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New here, question about meth and infidelity... what would you do?

Hi, I will try and keep this short. I appreciate so much any thoughts or advice you all could give.

My boyfriend and I have been together about 3 years. When I met him he was sober and in AA. He was really positive and fun to be around, worked hard, treated me well, etc. We have been through a lot in the last 3 years and most of it has been great.

Earlier this year I discovered he'd relapsed on crystal meth. I had to call him out on it due to his strange behavior, but he fessed up right away and we had a long talk about what it would mean for us. To make a long story short, he got clean again but relapsed a month later, and since then he's been going on random meth binges to varying degrees.

Throughout this time he has mostly still been the guy I know and love, and he's still spent time with me and we can laugh and talk and sleep over and all that. It's only once a month or so that he's in a horrid mood and will be really difficult to be around. During those times we'll argue but I've learned to just ignore it and do my own thing.

Anyway the last few weeks I started getting this awful vibe from him that I haven't ever had in our 3 years. I discovered he'd signed up for an online sex site with a profile looking for random hookups. Upon confronting him, he also let me go through his email which was full of emails to personal ads on Craigslist (for sex obviously). He tried to deny it all at first and say it wasn't him, but I'm not an idiot and insisted he tell the truth. He admitted then that he'd set up an account on a hook up site and had sent emails out to women on Craigslist.

He let me go through everything to show me it was just this recent activity; I couldn't find anything prior to the last 2 weeks.

He completely denies that he physically cheated. He said he wanted to, but he was only getting spam in response to his emails. He's blaming it on the meth, and says he'd never do this sober, which I do believe. But I also don't believe he didn't have sex with anyone. I can't find evidence to the contrary on his phone or his email, but I just find it hard to believe that he didn't actually physically cheat on me. To me, he cheated as soon as he started looking at those sites anyway. It wasn't just porn, it was specifically looking for sex with real people.

I dumped him on the spot because I will not tolerate infidelity.




Long story short, he's quit ONCE AGAIN cold turkey to try and "win" me back.

Where I'm confused now is thinking about the meth. Is it the meth's fault? Or can meth really not be blamed for something like this?

I know meth makes men hypersexual and often kind of perverse. He had been using a lot lately and everything else in his life has been falling apart--his business, finances, living situation, friends, etc. He's had a nervous breakdown of sorts and has been sobbing uncontrollably the last few days. He says there's this part of him that knows he's gone off the deep end with the drugs finally and since he's losing everything else, he's just kind of saying "f*ck it."

Now that I confronted and dumped him, he has been calling and coming by nonstop for days. I am really miserable and sick about the whole thing. I can barely look at him. I'm not angry but I'm heartbroken. He's adamant that he will do whatever it takes to make things right but he also says he doesn't blame me for being disgusted by him and he probably wouldn't give him a second chance if he were in my shoes.

But he keeps coming by and begging to work things out. I don't know what to tell him. I feel like I will never trust him again.

I don't understand how this works with crystal meth. Can I trust him again if he was sober? I trusted him before. But now he's completely violated that. Is this the kind of thing people work through? Or is he just being manipulative?

Is it worth giving him a second chance?

I love him and he's been there for me through so much. It's really hard to think the man I've loved for the last 3 years is the same man in my life the past few weeks.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts, please feel free to be honest and put me in check if you think it's ridiculous to give him another chance.
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Old 12-12-2013, 05:42 AM
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Maybe pick a date -- about a year out or something to check back in. See how he is doing then.

Just stopping is one thing, but staying stopped and all the self-fix-it he has ahead is enormous. You really do not need to be dragged through that.

Meanwhile, let's get you fixed back up?

You have probably read it here (over, and over, and over?). Alanon.

Do you know What, When and Where for your local Alanon?
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Old 12-12-2013, 06:45 AM
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He had been using a lot lately and everything else in his life has been falling apart--his business, finances, living situation, friends, etc. He's had a nervous breakdown of sorts and has been sobbing uncontrollably the last few days. He says there's this part of him that knows he's gone off the deep end with the drugs finally and since he's losing everything else, he's just kind of saying "f*ck it."

the drugs are only part of the problem here. he has a whole host of issues to work out and repair before he is a stable responsible productive member of society once again. that he is instead putting his effort into trying to "win you back" is really him trying to avoid the harsh reality of what has become of his life.

quitting drugs is hard work. staying quit is even harder. getting one's life back on track is hard work. but that is all on him.

whether the drugs made him do it is almost irrelevant, because it still happened. it's THERE, it's done, it happened. compare it to a drunk driver who plows into a family in the crosswalk. does that drunk driver get a "pass" because he was under the influence?

hammer suggested checking back in with him in a year. good idea. but that does not mean YOU put your life on hold!
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Old 12-12-2013, 07:11 AM
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But he keeps coming by and begging to work things out.
You dumped him. He thinks that is negotiable. To me, that's a red flag. Part of the sickness. Healthy people respect boundaries. He's stomped all over yours by lying, cheating, conspiring to cheat, using METH behind your back, and now not taking no for an answer.

He has proven nothing yet. Like the others, I suggest letting him prove to you in the long term that he has the chops to live a sober and productive, happy life, and THEN you take the temperature and see if he still looks like a viable catch.

A year is a starting point. Your life has a lot of years in it. How many of them are you willing to sacrifice to life with an active addict?

If I may make a suggestion -- why is cheating a dealbreaker, but meth addiction isn't? There's more here in you that's worth probing.
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Old 12-12-2013, 07:17 AM
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To paraphrase an AA saying,

"You know what you have when a meth-addicted horse thief get clean? A horse thief."

Count your blessings he isn't your husband.
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Old 12-12-2013, 08:47 AM
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Where I'm confused now is thinking about the meth. Is it the meth's fault? Or can meth really not be blamed for something like this?

He's choosing to use meth and choosing to surf sex sites. Both of these things are his choice. If you take him back after this, you can't really be surprised when he continues this behavior, because if you take him back you're telling him that it's OK to treat you that way.

Is it worth giving him a second chance?

Imho, no. I'm thinking that somewhere in the world there's another "positive, fun hard-working guy" who will treat you well and NOT be cheating meth addict.
You dumped him, this would be an excellent time to go no contact. Block his calls/texts/etc. Don't answer the door when he comes by. Turn up your music (I recommend Dave Edmunds' wonderful song I Hear You Knockin') and ignore him until he slinks away.
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Old 12-12-2013, 02:51 PM
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He has shown you who he is....believe him. He is not respecting your boundaries by continuing to come by when you've asked him not to. My personal opinion, if it was me, I wouldn't really care what the "cause" of his cheating was. People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. You've sent a clear message, you don't allow that kind of treatment. So keep your boundaries. Go No Contact. Block text/phone/email. Don't answer door. Tell him if he is clean and sober and in healthy recovery in one year, then maybe you can talk. But don't sit around for a year waiting. Take care of YOU.
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Old 12-12-2013, 04:28 PM
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Lola,
How many chances do you get to be your age, at this moment? How about the ones you've spent in the relationship with someone who has chosen to return to using?

If you're like the rest of us, the answer is once. You only get one chance.

Is this the life you want to continue living?

You're worthy of love, you have a lot to offer. You can find all the happiness you dream of, the relationship you desire. But with his continued relapses its unlikely it could ever be with him. You deserve so much more. Love yourself enough to demand more.
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Old 12-12-2013, 05:18 PM
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Thank you all so much for your loving input. I feel really supported.

I don't drink at all or use drugs, but when I was younger, I have been intoxicated and I still couldn't wrap my head around doing something like this to someone I loved.

I am chronically ill and currently pretty much house bound most of the time. I will probably die very young. I'm fed through IVs and whatnot. This has all occurred within the last year. I was sick when I met this guy, and he has known from day one of my issues, but the last year I took a turn for the worse and it's been really REALLY hard.

I know it scares the crap out of him. It scares me too. I am sick more often than not. It's a very painful and exhausting existence.

The only--and I mean the ONE AND ONLY--reason I keep talking to him is because of my situation. As you can imagine, many of my friends have fallen off. I have my family and they are so supportive. But I feel like I will never be able to meet anyone else. It is impossible to date like this, let alone meet new people.

I feel very weak about the whole thing. This guy knows how scared I am of being alone, and he's willing to be here for me anyway. Part of me just wants to throw in the towel and let him. I cannot fathom ever sleeping with him again, I will never ever trust him again, but maybe it's better than nothing to have him here to hold me. I don't know.
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Old 12-12-2013, 05:49 PM
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I am sorry for your situation. I can imagine how difficult it makes your decision. But we only have our dignity. He's shown you his lack of dignity. Don't lose yours thinking you'll hurt less if you have him with you. It will hurt more if your trust and faith in him is further trampled.

Again, so sorry for what you are going through.
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Old 12-12-2013, 06:42 PM
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Do you know what the relapse rate for meth users is? 92%. Only 8% of people who use Meth stay clean. The drug causes major damage to the brain and to the body and that doesn't even include the damage from the risky behavior associated with Meth use. A specialist in Meth addiction (I can't remember his name) believes meth addicts need to be in a specialized meth treatment program for a minimum of 12 months in order to achieve success.

Second chances? That is a decision only you can make. I will say that he needs a professional treatment program, he cannot do this on his own.
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Old 12-12-2013, 09:53 PM
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The stress that his addiction and lack of respect is causing you cannot be good for your health. do you see a counselor?
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Old 12-13-2013, 12:00 AM
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No, I don't see a counselor.

I would like to. I've been in therapy before. I stopped going because my therapist thought I was doing really well and should go out "on my own" again. Things were pretty great until I started getting sicker.

My mood is so dependent on my health and on this guy. I guess most people can understand being down if you were sick all day, but I know it's not healthy for me to be emotionally so dependent on him. Especially when he is an addict.

I can see that the sicker I get, the more I place my self esteem and worth on him and how he treats me. So right about now, with everything that's going on, I feel pretty awful about myself.

I heard someone say once that there's really nothing wrong with placing your self worth on your partner, if your partner loves and cherishes you. Because then you will love and cherish yourself.

I like that idea, in my current situation. Up until he relapsed, my guy really lifted me up. He made me want to get better. When he was here, I did my best every day to ignore how horrible I felt. It was good for me.

I feel very very stuck right now. I spent about an hour on the phone with my mother earlier talking about all of this. I haven't really shared the details of the infidelity with anyone--I'm too embarrassed--but I told her about the drugs and the lying and deceit in a general way. She feels I have just totally wrapped myself up in him and that it's really diverting from what my focus should be, which is getting better. She also feels I should be in therapy or on medication to get me through this depression. I am totally willing to talk to someone and I'm trying to find a therapist nearby. But I am not excited about psych meds.

This has been the roughest year of my life and I can't wrap my head around it getting much worse. I have no choice but to be dependent on those around me for basic things like getting groceries, helping me change my IV tubes, etc. I'm 28 years old and I'm like a hospice patient. My mind is fully intact and I'm so aware of my limitations. It all makes me feel like I have no worth in this life anymore.


As an update... my ex came by again tonight. He wanted to cuddle and kiss and watch TV and I refused. He keeps apologizing, bringing flowers, etc. but I just told him to stop. I had to tell him again that I will never trust him. He wants to be here for me to make up for how absent he's been.

I went to lay down for a bit because I was up sick all night and all day today and I cried and cried. I wish everything was just back to normal and that I could let him comfort me. I feel like this is all a bad dream.

I came to the conclusion while I was lying there that I will never be his girlfriend again. But I am in a bad place and at least for now, I'll let him try to "make it up" to me by helping me around the house until I can find someone nearby to take over. I told him this and he said okay. I don't doubt he will try and rekindle things, he is obsessed with it as of now, but I just can't live in a relationship where I'm constantly worried what my partner is doing when he's absent. So I will accept that things are over between us, that he could be off doing god-knows-what, and he will simply be some man who comes by to help with the dogs and cleaning.

In the meantime, I'm making plans to either move back in with my parents temporarily or at least to move closer to them so that they can help me instead of my ex.
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Old 12-13-2013, 12:41 AM
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The chronic illness thing resonates with me. Right now I am in remission from a severe case of Crohn's Disease. One of my meds costs $6,000 per dose. I'm also testing for lupus, and suffer from arthritis and fibromyalgia, plus recurring skin cancer. When I'm sick, I'm housebound and basically become a walking skeleton on TPN and fluids. My ex thought he could toss me around because "who would want a sick, broken wife"? My now-husband, that's who. And he's not an abusive, addicted a-hole. I know we can throw pity parties with the best of em, and it's depressing being sick all the time. But it's not an excuse to settle for less than we deserve. We have just as much a right to be happy and in healthy relationships as the healthiest person we know. Please take time to care for yourself and ignore him. Can you get someone to come into your home for massage therapy? I know with some conditions it's contraindicated with certain symptoms. Or maybe just a simple mani or pedi? I'd come over and watch bad movies while the infusions run through our IV's. Just don't forget that you are worthy of love and respect, and your illness doesn't give anyone the right to make you feel like you have to settle.
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Old 12-13-2013, 12:45 AM
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Oh, and re: the happy pills. Take them. Seriously. Just temporarily until you start feeling like you again instead of a shell of a person. There's no shame in doing what you have to do to reclaim your life.
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Old 12-13-2013, 02:37 AM
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Originally Posted by NWGRITS View Post
The chronic illness thing resonates with me. Right now I am in remission from a severe case of Crohn's Disease. One of my meds costs $6,000 per dose. I'm also testing for lupus, and suffer from arthritis and fibromyalgia, plus recurring skin cancer. When I'm sick, I'm housebound and basically become a walking skeleton on TPN and fluids. My ex thought he could toss me around because "who would want a sick, broken wife"? My now-husband, that's who. And he's not an abusive, addicted a-hole. I know we can throw pity parties with the best of em, and it's depressing being sick all the time. But it's not an excuse to settle for less than we deserve. We have just as much a right to be happy and in healthy relationships as the healthiest person we know. Please take time to care for yourself and ignore him. Can you get someone to come into your home for massage therapy? I know with some conditions it's contraindicated with certain symptoms. Or maybe just a simple mani or pedi? I'd come over and watch bad movies while the infusions run through our IV's. Just don't forget that you are worthy of love and respect, and your illness doesn't give anyone the right to make you feel like you have to settle.
I'm sorry to hear you relate on that level. Although we have different illnesses, our treatments and symptoms are probably quite similar. I am also on TPN and fluids.

It gives me great hope every time I hear of a severely ill woman with a loving husband. It seems to difficult to attain. But just tonight I had kind of an epiphany while talking with my mom. She pointed out that I was married to a loving doting man when I first got sick. He and I had moved in together just before I fell ill. For the next several years, I slowly got sicker and sicker, lost a ton of weight, couldn't eat much, etc. I spent a lot of time in the hospital back then. And he would come with me EVERY SINGLE TIME. Sleep next to me in the ER, hold my head for hours at night in front of the toilet. He even would bathe me sometimes. And he never ever once complained about it, or made me feel bad or guilty. He continued to do his own thing--go to work, see friends, etc. I was always invited but if I felt too sick, he'd just give me a kiss and hug and tell me "My cell phone's on if you need anything."

I look back at our relationship as wonderful, loving, safe, and supportive. But I have convinced myself that my picker is broken because of my current situation. This guy is the first relationship I had after my husband. And I also convinced myself that I'm now more damaged, because I'm sicker, and that nobody would want to deal with it.

But after talking to my mom tonight, I started thinking about it and I know in my heart of hearts that my ex husband would have been here with me through thick and thin. Even with the TPN and hospitals and scary stuff.

Somewhere along the line with my current meth addict, I started to believe that I am a burden, I'm damaged, I'm ugly and sick. I have lost all of my self esteem. I know this. Sometimes I can't think of a single thing I have to contribute to a relationship.

But my friends love me. And my boyfriend's friends are always telling me I'm "such a catch," and do I have any girl friends like myself? They even have pulled me aside and told me to find someone better, someone who deserves a girl like me.

I brush off these comments but I guess I shouldn't.

Sorry to ramble on about myself, NWGRITS. Thank you for sharing that about yourself. I need to keep hearing stories like that. There are a few women I've met through an online support group who have similar issues as you and me and I love hearing their stories of meeting their husbands, and how they cope together with the illness and rough times.

Before my boyfriend relapsed on meth, he was here for me most of the time. I can't discount that. When I had my picc line put in the first time, he was terrified of it (needles literally make him faint) but he slowly got used to it and eventually was setting up my TPN every night. He never made me feel self conscious about all of the tubes and monitors and whatnot. But for the last year, it's just these little comments he'll make. Like he'll tell me I'm "deteriorating" before his eyes, he's always commenting on my weight and picking at my lifestyle choices. Mostly he's just been pretty absent emotionally and physically. So he doesn't even know what's going on with me, but then will come around and criticize.

I would love to hear more about your previous relationship and how/why you got out of it, and how you met your current husband. This site won't let me send a PM, but I can receive them.

Thanks again for your comments. I will consider some "happy pills." I just hate to be medicated in that way, but I guess what's one more pill? I'm already on so many for my stomach
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Old 12-13-2013, 03:22 AM
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This thread is about you. No need to apologize for talking about yourself. My heart hurts for you because I know that pain. You feel like you're sucking oxygen out of the air and aren't contributing anything. Every morning I wake up without pain or vomiting is a good one, and I've learned to not take any period of good health for granted. This stretch of "normal" will end eventually and it'll be back to the hubby flushing port lines and bathing me so I don't pass out in the shower (again).

As for my ex... We met before I got sick, but it was an unhealthy codependent relationship from day one. He had a history of doing coke, but he never touched drugs while we were together. He was my fixer-upper, the one I saved from himself. He went to a trade school and got a good job, all thanks to me. *snort* That's what I believed back then. I also believed his threats of self-harm if I left him. When I got sick he was great. And then came the C word: chronic. I guess one hospitalization when the disease tried to kill me was ok, but he wasn't up to doing more than that. I guess he figured nobody else would, either, because he proposed and I stupidly accepted. It was then that he started getting a lot more abusive, and one night it turned physical. I left and never looked back. For the longest time though, o thought I had made a mistake because who would want me? I carried a diaper bag for myself in the trunk of my car, spent a good half an hour in the bathroom, and used enemas every night at bedtime. Nobody wants to deal with that.

It took a few years and one failed marriage, but I found someone who deals with that. He hates hospitals and doesn't like seeing me plugged into all the blinky things, but he does it because he loves me, and that's what you do when you love somebody. Training him to give me shots and flush lines was difficult, but now he's a pro. Is it always kittens and rainbows here? No. Does he get frustrated sometimes? Yes. So I get whiny and mean sometimes? Yes. But that's where a lot of my Al-Anon work has benefited me outside of my relationship with my alcoholic mother. It really does work of you work it.

I hear ya on the pills. My last count was 34 a day. Only one of those is my antidepressant, and it's not a heavy-hitting dose. Like I said, doesn't have to be permanent. Just a boost to help you get the energy to pick yourself up and on your feet. I will pm you tomorrow sometime and we can talk illness and meds andcoping sstrategies. I've been doing this for ten years now.
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Old 12-13-2013, 06:12 AM
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Originally Posted by lolaiswaiting View Post
I heard someone say once that there's really nothing wrong with placing your self worth on your partner, if your partner loves and cherishes you. Because then you will love and cherish yourself.
It is my greatest wish for women everywhere that this Disney-fied romantic idea dies a quiet, gentle death someday and soon. What's wrong with it, of course, is that the only person who is with you every minute of every day, who is guaranteed to place your best interest above anyone else's, who never loses out by being kind and respectful to you, who won't ever leave you for any reason, is you. If one can ONLY love and cherish themselves because someone else does, then one will constantly be disappointed and heartbroken.

I am so sorry you are struggling right now and going through such a difficult time. It seem like your ex only makes your life more difficult, but I understand it is hard to let go. Sending you strength and hugs.
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Old 12-13-2013, 09:47 PM
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NWGRITS-

Thank you for expanding on what you've been through. I relate very much. My ex sounds like your ex, in that he was all for supporting me in my health struggles for a while, but back when I honestly was faring just fine on my own. Now that things have gotten harder, it just kind of goes over his head.

I can't tell you how many times I've waited on him in the ER or the hospital after procedures where they won't release me until someone comes to get me. And he said he'd be there just 20 minutes before, but he never shows up. So I have to start making phone calls to anyone who will answer to come sign me out.

I know he's been high as a kite and you can't count on someone like that to show up for you. But it's like he has no concept of what's really been going on with me. I got sick enough several months ago to drop down to 80 lbs. and my doctors wanted to admit me to the hospital for fear I'd go into heart failure. I could barely walk across a room without collapsing. It was terrifying, lonely, and painful.

I had my parents and siblings and friends helping me but my boyfriend was nowhere to be found. He'd call me several times a day and just carried on our relationship that way. Because it was easier for him. There was always SOMETHING he had to do, somewhere he had to be, some project that was urgent. I mean literally he'd flake on me in the hospital because his nuts and bolts needed to be organized in the garage for 10 hours.

It sounds funny almost. My god. But it's so sad to me.

To update for today, he called me once earlier and I almost didn't answer. But then I did. I found I had nothing really to say to him so I got off the phone quickly.

I'm seeing less and less reason to continue to engage with him. I want so bad to go back to how things were before all of this, but I know that's not possible. Like it or not, miss him or not, everything is different now and I'm having to accept it.

Thank you all so much. You are helping me more than you know.
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Old 12-14-2013, 02:51 PM
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Lola and NW Grits-

Off topic a little bit, but many people in similar situations (needing to be fed through alternate routes) get a lot of support from the Oley foundation. I imagine they are like the support given on this board, but with a little different focus.

Lola-

I did not deal with the addiction in my relationship until infidelity also was involved. I had a backbone in that that I could not find around alcohol.

Regardless of if he cheated or not (physical cheating is not the only kind of infidelity in my book), is the addicted man you were dating what you want for your life?

It took me a long time to realize it, but I needed to take my loved one as he was.....the addict and the sweet, sober man. I could not get one without the other....unless he decided to get help, which I could not decide for him.

I started getting clearer for myself when I realized that.

Sending kind thoughts to you right now.
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