No, I don't see a counselor.
I would like to. I've been in therapy before. I stopped going because my therapist thought I was doing really well and should go out "on my own" again. Things were pretty great until I started getting sicker.
My mood is so dependent on my health and on this guy. I guess most people can understand being down if you were sick all day, but I know it's not healthy for me to be emotionally so dependent on him. Especially when he is an addict.
I can see that the sicker I get, the more I place my self esteem and worth on him and how he treats me. So right about now, with everything that's going on, I feel pretty awful about myself.
I heard someone say once that there's really nothing wrong with placing your self worth on your partner, if your partner loves and cherishes you. Because then you will love and cherish yourself.
I like that idea, in my current situation. Up until he relapsed, my guy really lifted me up. He made me want to get better. When he was here, I did my best every day to ignore how horrible I felt. It was good for me.
I feel very very stuck right now. I spent about an hour on the phone with my mother earlier talking about all of this. I haven't really shared the details of the infidelity with anyone--I'm too embarrassed--but I told her about the drugs and the lying and deceit in a general way. She feels I have just totally wrapped myself up in him and that it's really diverting from what my focus should be, which is getting better. She also feels I should be in therapy or on medication to get me through this depression. I am totally willing to talk to someone and I'm trying to find a therapist nearby. But I am not excited about psych meds.
This has been the roughest year of my life and I can't wrap my head around it getting much worse. I have no choice but to be dependent on those around me for basic things like getting groceries, helping me change my IV tubes, etc. I'm 28 years old and I'm like a hospice patient. My mind is fully intact and I'm so aware of my limitations. It all makes me feel like I have no worth in this life anymore.
As an update... my ex came by again tonight. He wanted to cuddle and kiss and watch TV and I refused. He keeps apologizing, bringing flowers, etc. but I just told him to stop. I had to tell him again that I will never trust him. He wants to be here for me to make up for how absent he's been.
I went to lay down for a bit because I was up sick all night and all day today and I cried and cried. I wish everything was just back to normal and that I could let him comfort me. I feel like this is all a bad dream.
I came to the conclusion while I was lying there that I will never be his girlfriend again. But I am in a bad place and at least for now, I'll let him try to "make it up" to me by helping me around the house until I can find someone nearby to take over. I told him this and he said okay. I don't doubt he will try and rekindle things, he is obsessed with it as of now, but I just can't live in a relationship where I'm constantly worried what my partner is doing when he's absent. So I will accept that things are over between us, that he could be off doing god-knows-what, and he will simply be some man who comes by to help with the dogs and cleaning.
In the meantime, I'm making plans to either move back in with my parents temporarily or at least to move closer to them so that they can help me instead of my ex.