Thank you all so much for your loving input. I feel really supported.
I don't drink at all or use drugs, but when I was younger, I have been intoxicated and I still couldn't wrap my head around doing something like this to someone I loved.
I am chronically ill and currently pretty much house bound most of the time. I will probably die very young. I'm fed through IVs and whatnot. This has all occurred within the last year. I was sick when I met this guy, and he has known from day one of my issues, but the last year I took a turn for the worse and it's been really REALLY hard.
I know it scares the crap out of him. It scares me too. I am sick more often than not. It's a very painful and exhausting existence.
The only--and I mean the ONE AND ONLY--reason I keep talking to him is because of my situation. As you can imagine, many of my friends have fallen off. I have my family and they are so supportive. But I feel like I will never be able to meet anyone else. It is impossible to date like this, let alone meet new people.
I feel very weak about the whole thing. This guy knows how scared I am of being alone, and he's willing to be here for me anyway. Part of me just wants to throw in the towel and let him. I cannot fathom ever sleeping with him again, I will never ever trust him again, but maybe it's better than nothing to have him here to hold me. I don't know.