Hi Liz,
I'm so sorry to hear about your lump mass under your arm. I absolutely understand your concerns and although there's say an 80% chance it's nothing there's still a 20% you need attention. I know that's not a nice thing to say but we only get issues one life and for women breast cancer is pretty darn dangerous. Have you done the self diagnosis's techniques that are available on the net? One thing I'm 100% certain of is the stress you're experiencing can and WILL get you sick! I had a bad breakup many years ago and as a result of the stress I was experiencing I ended up with Thyroid Storm Crisis and came very close to death, in fact I had an actual out of body experience, gone for over 2 minutes.
Anyway, I'm really glad you have a sponsor, and it sounds like you're trying to do the right things. One thing you need to do is get the man out! His path to total destruction will destroy you and like you said you truly might be better off taking your son and leaving for somewhere safe. I know it's none of my business but is he a functioning alcoholic? Just wondering if he's responsible enough to keep the house payment paid, the lights on, the phone paid, water and gas on and all the other things necessary to keep the house running. I'm not a gambling man but I'd be willing to bet you take care of everything I listed. I guessing you do everything for this man. Well it's time you take care of your son and yourself and I hope you have a place you can go. Sounds like you have a very good head on your shoulders and with prayer you will make the right choice.
Remember life is a gift and wasting it even a day is wasting the gift. Your happiness starts one day at a time and it starts with you. Boy have I ever been there and done that. Nine years ago November I joined Alanon, when I went I was not only going through intense Chemo but I was also very sick due to my qualifiers in my life. They were so selfish that they could care less that I was dealing with a life threatening disease and being treated with daily doses of poison. I lost close to 80 lbs dealing with my disease. Alanon saved my life, together with my sponsor and me working the program and of course attending as many meeting as I could. I learned early in my recovery that I'm responsible for my own happiness and that NO is a complete sentence. Having the courage to stand up to my qualifier and saying NO was one of the greatest feelings I think I have ever had.
Fortunately for me it didn't require me moving out but it sure was hell on my life. Today my main qualifier is still ungrateful and unappreciative but I'm aware of who this person really is and I wont be hurt again. The only way I can be hurt is by me letting my guard down and allowing myself to be hurt.
I have a pretty good idea of what you're going through but everybody's circumstance is different and the way we handle it may take a lot of time. For me, there where days that I had to focus on making one breath at a time and eventually I was making an hour at a time and gradually I'd make to one step at a time to one day at a time but by compartmentalizing my pain to smaller segments be it one breath or one day, I always was able to deal with the situation in real time. can't change the past at all, can't control the future but you can control your "Now" space and who you let in it.
Gosh I'm probably not making much sense, I'm just trying to offer you some food for thought. I know probably like many others here, that you're in a lot of pain and you don't need to walk it alone. I'll be sure to pray for you and your son, I'll pray for your husband and especially your family.... God has amazing power and He NEVER makes mistakes. I can honestly tell you that everything in my life has happened for a reason. The reasons become much clearer as you grow your relationship with your higher power.
Good luck and God Bless!
Cptnz