Well...I'm glad I made you smile TF...although I was serious. My stomach lurches to think what my house would turn into if my son was allowed back prior to recovery/working his own program. I've been dealing with it a long time though and have tried many things to get to this point. I do believe he is capable of so much more and am very aware that if I keep doing for him...he never has to do for himself. I prefer to call it "Strong love" vs "tough love". Tough love sounds mean. Strong love is more appropriate I believe. I am strong enough to know my needs and mental health are also important, I am strong enough to set boundaries and maintain them, I am strong enough to know and recognize nonsense when I see and hear it, and I am strong enough to say "I can't fix this. I cannot do his work for him, but I can encourage him to seek better for himself". Do I do this perfectly? heck no!!! But I'm trying, and I'm much more aware and find I have better conversations with myself as I'm working through things. I'm supposed to see my son over the holidays. I'm going to put invisible duct tape over my mouth to remind myself to LISTEN to him...I'm going to try my darndest to not "suggest" and only speak from my own position. BUT....if he is actively seeking feedback I will do my best to not judge, but offer solid options he can take or leave. We shall see. As we all know it may not even happen but I'm finding so much more peace in it this year. I've handed it over and if it doesn't pan out...I trust there will be a reason for it.
Jend, I hope your conversation goes well with your daughter. Please keep us posted.