ZenGarden

Hey everyone,

So I apologize in advance as this will be quite a long thread. I aim to first introduce myself, explain my current situation and how I came to be here, then finish off by asking your opinions on what steps I should take next.

Having grown up in Spain, where drinking and smoking laws and prices are much more relaxed than in the rest of the world, I began experimenting with alcohol and cigarettes at 14. Putting smoking aside (I'm now hooked, unfortunately), I've always been very modest with my alcohol intake. I only ever got completely smashed six or seven times in a multi-year period and would never drink too often.

I'm now 21 and in university in the UK. As you may or may not know, there is a binge-drinking culture here where students always get completely wrecked on a weekly basis and go out clubbing. I've been doing this for about two years now and I'm starting to question my behaviour... The reason for my doubting my choices is not the health or the money (although those are slightly worrying) but my actual behaviour when I am drunk.

A side-note about health. Despite drinking regularly, I somehow don't feel the effects. I barely ever get hangovers and I'm in good physical condition. Despite having been drinking for so long I can go through extended periods of time (weeks/months) where I don't touch a drop of alcohol and I do not feel any withdrawal or craving whatsoever. One thing I have noticed though is that my thinking process is getting slower and it's getting harder to memorise university-related topics.
This brings me to my first two questions:
1) How would I know if I actually had an alcohol dependence? Would it be similar to cravings for cigarettes, or even worse? Could you describe your addiction (if you have one) or your relationship with alcohol (if you drink a lot)?
2) Is there a direct correlation between drinking and deteriorating brain function? Is it possible to recover from this?

Back on topic, the main reason for my questioning my choices is my behaviour when I'm drunk. Recently I've been blacking out quite a lot and when I lose my inhibitions and something bad happens I get very, very angry and go on a rampage, destroying anything in my path. Sometimes I even have emotional breakdowns. Over the past few weeks it has gotten worse and I've damaged public property and gotten into fights with other people. This kind of behaviour is unacceptable and is completely and totally the opposite of who I am and the values I hold dear... Thinking back on it now, every single horrible thing I've ever done in my life has been when I was wasted.

One of the scariest revelations I've had lies in the difference between alcohol and other substances. Over the past couple of years I've been experimenting with other drugs (such as marijuana/cannabis, cocaine, ecstasy, ketamine, etc...) and I've always managed to control my behaviour whilst under the influence of these substances. On multiple occasions when I've been high, I've been in situations where I could have reacted very badly to certain things, but always knew where to draw the line and (despite being high) have always been able to control my behaviour in order to achieve a positive and non-destructive outcome. With alcohol however, when bad things happen it's like I can't control myself and I turn into what could quite literally be described as a monster. I realize the strong addictive potential of some of these substances (which is why I use them with caution and strictly on an occasional basis) but how can it be that, in a party atmosphere, both myself and everyone around me always ends up having a much better time with substances deemed illegal by the authorities, rather than with legally-available alcohol?

Is it maybe time to call it and stop drinking all-together? I don't have an issue with having a beer or a glass of wine every now and again, but sometimes it's hard to resist the pressure of all your peers edging you on to drink more with them. More importantly, if I go out at night I feel out of place when everyone is drunk and I'm sober.

I really don't know what to do and would appreciate any advice you guys could offer. Have you ever been in a similar situation?
Thank you