This sounds so much like a lot of my interactions with my XAH. My son has anger issues and has been seeing a counselor for a year with good results - not getting into fights at school, keeping his cool, etc. But his dad swears it is doing no good because it doesn't improve his behavior when he is at his dad's house....hmmm, here's an idea - set a better example and stop being an a$$?
Sorry, ranting a little but I totally get where you are coming from.