honeypig

And this is exactly where I am, too. When I found out what had been going on (for years) behind my back, when I got some idea of the scope of the lying, I was so angry and hurt that I was ready to divorce him right that minute. The wiser Alanon folk advised taking a year to settle down, see what was what, and then decide, since I was not in financial or physical danger, and since there was a significant investment of time in the relationship.

If I don't pay at least SOME attention to what is going on over on his side of the street, I could spend more years being deceived and only find out when he finally gets a DUI or falls down the stairs drunk in 2021...he is amazingly sneaky, amazingly good at covering his tracks. He's not someone who pees in the kitchen and pukes in the driveway, making it obvious what is going on.

Hammer, you have replied in a similar fashion to a post of mine in the past. I didn't understand then and don't understand now what it is you're saying. What I hear is that any attempt for me to see if the truth is actually being told is co-dependency, and that doesn't go along with the usual focus on "facts, not feelings", so I figure I'm not getting your meaning. Could you try again, please? I don't want to hijack the thread, but I feel like this is pertinent to the OP's question and would be helpful to her also.

Edited to add: Dandylion, thanks for that post--that is exactly what I'm trying to do.