My codie relapse

Old 12-02-2013, 10:41 AM
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My codie relapse

I went home over Thanksgiving, spending the weekend at my long-distance RABF's house for the first time in about a month (he's 2 months sober). When he left briefly to run to the store, I took the opportunity--I searched the house for alcohol. The entire time I kept thinking "god, what would the folks at SR say if they saw this?" But it didn't make me stop. I was hoping to find peace of mind in my search. Instead, in the final hiding spot I could think of, I found a stash. A small bottle of rum and a four pack of beer. Everything was full and unopened, whatever small consolation that could give me.

When I confronted my A about it (because at this point I was past the point of no return), we got in a big fight where somehow I ended up on trial for not trusting. There were several suggestions of "maybe we can't do this" and "maybe we need to take a break for awhile," but as it turns out it isn't so easy to leave. I believe he isn't drinking now but how can someone committed to their recovery keep alcohol in the house?

It could really go either way whether we stay together. At this point, he's really just a dry drunk, and I think a relapse is inevitable if his state of mind doesn't change. Of course the obvious response is "run" but I'm still holding out hope--he is still early in his recovery.
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Old 12-02-2013, 10:50 AM
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Hmmm....I am sorry to say this and maybe I am wrong. In my opinion someone who is actively trying to be sober will not have alcohol in their home. I would be VERY surprised if he has not been drinking. It shows you what his mindset is. If he has not been drinking...he was GOING to. It was there, it was hidden, he was planning to drink it. That's all.

You are wasting your breath in the confrontations although I understand, it is almost impossible not to do it. Please please take it slow with him. Do not rush into a serious committment or have any children with someone who is an active alcoholic. I am sorry, I am not trying to be unkind, just trying to protect you from what is bound to be a life of heartache. It's not a club you want to join, believe me.

In the mean time, what are you doing to work on you and how you react to all of this? You cannot control his actions but you can certainly control your REACTIONS. I hope you are attending Celebrate Recovery or Alanon and working on YOU because that is within your control. We are here to walk that journey with you.

Good Luck and God Bless.
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Old 12-02-2013, 10:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Ixi View Post

It could really go either way whether we stay together. At this point, he's really just a dry drunk, and I think a relapse is inevitable if his state of mind doesn't change. Of course the obvious response is "run" but I'm still holding out hope--he is still early in his recovery.
I hear you. On the part above and all the rest.

Whilst doing confessions . . . . I have noticed that Mrs. Hammer has stopped eating some of her meals. (Alcoholic, Addict, SI, latest, and perhaps returning greatest -- Anorexic.)

Now, I am not supposed to be tracking that. Bad me.

IF I am tracking that, it means I not likely working MY SIDE. Yeah, that.

I am supposing the same with you.

She had been going through a couple months of Dry Drunking. So a relapse was certain to follow, like you said.

Hard part on our case -- the Anorexia keeps the crazy down, and she has been doing So Much Better with the kids.

Dunno. On it goes.
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Old 12-02-2013, 11:09 AM
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No judgment here. I've done that. Recently, too (like just a few weeks ago.) Three steps forward, two steps back is still better than no steps forward. At least you recognized it for what it is (the behavior.) Now, the key is preventing it from happening again. Well, that and deciding when enough is enough.
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Old 12-02-2013, 11:22 AM
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The entire time I kept thinking "god, what would the folks at SR say if they saw this?"
Been there and done that too so don't beat yourself up too bad. It's a process and we do not recover overnight
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Old 12-02-2013, 12:48 PM
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Ixi, I can relate. About 2 weeks ago, my A had been showing a LOT of behaviors that were his drinking behaviors and I did ask him point blank if he had been drinking--silly, I know, as he has lied about it for years. He of course denied it.

A few days later, I was reconciling the various bank accounts and found a withdrawal for $100 that I knew nothing about. It was very close to a withdrawal for household cash that I DID know about, so I was fairly sure this other one was not for legitimate reasons. Asked him about it and got a lot of runaround, in-my-face denial, HE hadn't done it, I was reading the statement wrong, the statement WAS wrong, quack, quack. All this used to back me down. No more. I was adamant--what was this all about? He finally admitted he had been "thinking" about drinking again (currently has about 4-1/2 months sober, so far as I know) but had not done so.

As far as I know, he has spoken with his sponsor, continues going to meetings and seems to be back on track. Now, did he actually drink? I will never know for sure. Does it matter, since the lying and the intent to drink were all present anyway? Or does it say something that he stopped before actually taking the drink? Or, most likely, does the fact that I am even spending time thinking about these things mean I myself have slipped off my path too?

I don't have any sage advice, just wanted to say that it seems to me there is a very, very fine line between burying my head in the sand, ignoring information that is important in making decisions, and doing the codie waltz again. I need to know the truth in order to make good decisions and take appropriate actions, and accepting everything at face value from someone who systematically lied to me for years isn't necessarily going to give me that truth. However, chasing him around to try to determine what that truth is, isn't healthy either, right?

I've read here enough to know that recovery isn't linear; we all have our relapses and slips along the path in our own ways. I'll just keep trying to walk that fine line between codie checking/manipulation and willfully ignoring the reality of my situation, trusting that as time passes, more will be made clear.

***This is a marriage of nearly 20 years; I would almost certainly feel different if the circumstances were different, so YMMV.
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Old 12-02-2013, 12:57 PM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
Or, most likely, does the fact that I am even spending time thinking about these things mean I myself have slipped off my path too?
20 Lashes with a wet noodle for you!

Lulu said this last week and is SOOO true . . .


Originally Posted by Lulu39

That's a waste of your precious time on this earth.

YMMV.
True dat.
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Old 12-02-2013, 01:39 PM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
I don't have any sage advice, just wanted to say that it seems to me there is a very, very fine line between burying my head in the sand, ignoring information that is important in making decisions, and doing the codie waltz again. I need to know the truth in order to make good decisions and take appropriate actions, and accepting everything at face value from someone who systematically lied to me for years isn't necessarily going to give me that truth. However, chasing him around to try to determine what that truth is, isn't healthy either, right?
That's how I rationalized it. We aren't attached by child or marriage, so I can (will? will.) leave if he starts drinking again. But he's sober now (and I truly believe he hasn't been drinking--he's terrible at hiding it when we're together and he wasn't shaking from withdrawal) and I want to be with sober him. But I need to know if he's drinking because I need to know if I should cut my losses and go.
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Old 12-02-2013, 01:43 PM
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I found that actions were always the best barometer.

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Old 12-02-2013, 01:44 PM
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I am not trying to be harsh, but you do realize even if he did not drink he had bought it, hid it, and was preparing to drink it.

I soooo understand. I have been there. I am not saying you should not confront. I am just saying that you should not bury your head in the sand that he has not been or is not going to drink. I learned the hard way, once you say I am not going to stick w/you if you drink...you will come to expect yourself to stick to your boundary. Of course, that is the best thing you could do for yourself as you are not married and have no children. Not that it minimizes the hurt and feelings involved, it does not.

Hugs...it's hard. Keep posting, you are not alone in all of this!
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Old 12-02-2013, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Ixi View Post
I need to know if he's drinking because I need to know if I should cut my losses and go.
And this is exactly where I am, too. When I found out what had been going on (for years) behind my back, when I got some idea of the scope of the lying, I was so angry and hurt that I was ready to divorce him right that minute. The wiser Alanon folk advised taking a year to settle down, see what was what, and then decide, since I was not in financial or physical danger, and since there was a significant investment of time in the relationship.

If I don't pay at least SOME attention to what is going on over on his side of the street, I could spend more years being deceived and only find out when he finally gets a DUI or falls down the stairs drunk in 2021...he is amazingly sneaky, amazingly good at covering his tracks. He's not someone who pees in the kitchen and pukes in the driveway, making it obvious what is going on.

Hammer, you have replied in a similar fashion to a post of mine in the past. I didn't understand then and don't understand now what it is you're saying. What I hear is that any attempt for me to see if the truth is actually being told is co-dependency, and that doesn't go along with the usual focus on "facts, not feelings", so I figure I'm not getting your meaning. Could you try again, please? I don't want to hijack the thread, but I feel like this is pertinent to the OP's question and would be helpful to her also.

Edited to add: Dandylion, thanks for that post--that is exactly what I'm trying to do.
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Old 12-02-2013, 04:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Ixi View Post
When I confronted my A about it (because at this point I was past the point of no return), we got in a big fight where somehow I ended up on trial for not trusting.
This, in my mind, is not the reaction of a person in a solid, soul-searching recovery program - regardless of why on earth there's alcohol tucked away in the first place. (to drink??)

It is classic blame shifting - YOU don't have faith, YOU don't trust, YOU have some kind of problem.

I have been on the receiving end of this so many times, I get exhausted just thinking about it. I am so sorry you are struggling. I hope you can take advantage of the fact that you don't live together, walk around your peaceful house free of weird stashes of alcohol, and ask yourself, do I want to invest further in a life with a person who will likely always be teetering on the brink?

I agree with Dandylion. His actions going forward will show you everything you need to know. The hidden alcohol is not a good start.
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Old 12-02-2013, 05:25 PM
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I had alcohol in the house when I quit. Never touched it. In fact, I was doing a massive clean out about 2 weeks ago and found it shoved behind a bunch of winter hats in the hallway closet. It's been there for more than 5 1/2 years. I was not intentionally hiding it, nor planning to drink it, nor in the state of a "dry drunk". I had it before I quit, stuck it there, and forgot all about it.
Had my spouse "searched" for incriminating evidence in my house as you did, he also may have accused me of planning to drink but that seriously was not the case, I really just forgot it was there. Also, had my spouse searched the house and then accused me of hiding it, I would have been pissed, really pissed. And it's OUR house, you violated HIS home. I'm not saying that is or isn't the case here, just saying it does happen.

Sober 5+ years.
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Old 12-02-2013, 06:48 PM
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Leana--Thank you for presenting the other perspective. I considered that he may have just forgotten that he had it, but when I asked him why it was there, he came up with a bunch of pretty weak excuses. I can accept that it was there from before he stopped drinking, but I don't think he forgot about it.
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Old 12-02-2013, 07:19 PM
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One of my RA friends always has a bottle in the fridge. He takes it out when he has an urge to drink and yells at it a bit. Tells it he's stronger than it is and it can't break him. Then he puts it back in.

More will be revealed. Waiting is a b***h though.
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Old 12-02-2013, 07:36 PM
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That is a HORRIBLE feeling to do what you did. I (used to) search the house all the time. Since our last show down, I will cop to opening ONE box and checking out the level on the cooking wine. THAT was bad enough.
MY AH has shown no signs of drinking so I have had less "reason" (in my sick controlling head,) to look. I really fear what I might do if I find anything.

A friend of mine told me once, If you start rooting around for evidence (of anything) cheating, gambling, drinking, you name it. All you get is to be RIGHT. Whcih does not always make you feel good.

I will have to agree with Leana here though I would be PISSED if someone went through my stuff in my house. I feel bad enough going through my own and really know I have really crossed a boundry when i go through his STUFF.

If you really can't trust, and there is not enough reason to trust, no matters who's fault, you might want to look at that.

With hugs from a fellow codie
For whatever that is worth.
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Old 12-02-2013, 07:46 PM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post

Hammer, you have replied in a similar fashion to a post of mine in the past. I didn't understand then and don't understand now what it is you're saying. What I hear is that any attempt for me to see if the truth is actually being told is co-dependency, and that doesn't go along with the usual focus on "facts, not feelings", so I figure I'm not getting your meaning. Could you try again, please? I don't want to hijack the thread, but I feel like this is pertinent to the OP's question and would be helpful to her also.
Oh, I did not mean to present any deep meaning. Much more of a mock punishment (being whipped by a wet noodle) for a "mock" sin. (I think) we all wonder how to be able to even back off, and then once we figure that out, we wonder if we have back off to far.

In more complex terms -- Sins of Commission v. Sins of Omission.

Either way, it is still Progress Not Perfection. AND THAT is Good Enough.

Seeking wiser Senior Alanannies' advice on the matters of how to handle things -- they always seem to coach that I follow my feelings. I have absolutely NO trust in myself in that regard. Did they not deliver me to this situation?

But as we align ourselves with God / HP / The Program . . . they maybe seem to realign us from the inside out? In this regard, I would think the AA promises may be true . . .

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

For the full list of what this stuff can bring . . . .

PROMISES AA Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Promises of AA 12 Steps
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Old 12-02-2013, 08:34 PM
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Ixi and honeypig, my take on the whole thing is neither of you have the right to know whether or not they are drinking or not drinking.

They are adults and have the right to live there lives as they want just as you do. If you don't like the way they are living their lives or have trust issues with how they live their lives then you have some decisions to make on what your next steps are.

Your friend,
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Old 12-02-2013, 08:36 PM
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If you and him are committed to keeping this relationship alive, you must, Must, MUST understand that this is a LIFETIME disease. Once he get a hold of sobriety, he can lose it at anytime for whatever reason.

If you're not up for that, I suggest you pack up shop and I'm not being mean. I'm being honest.
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Old 12-03-2013, 08:04 AM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
Ixi and honeypig, my take on the whole thing is neither of you have the right to know whether or not they are drinking or not drinking.

They are adults and have the right to live there lives as they want just as you do. If you don't like the way they are living their lives or have trust issues with how they live their lives then you have some decisions to make on what your next steps are.

Your friend,
Thank you, Mike. This is exactly what I needed to hear (even if it wasn't addressed to me.) Part of being respected by others is also treating them with respect. Respect to make their own choices and face the consequences of those choices. Searching other people's things without their permission is not respectful. Yes, I had to write that out for myself. I can apparently be a slow learner
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