Thank you everyone who took the time to reply to this post. I know it is a doozy, and that is why I labeled it with the trigger warning up top.
I realize in the light of day, that it was wrong of me to send D that night, whether we were both smoking or not. We never should have enabled each other.
I have been given severe consequences for using, but I choose not to share them here because it is a friends and family forum. I have other outlets concerning my addiction like my sponsor, therapist, meetings, and the pastors wife for that.
This is my favorite place to come though concerning my marriage to an addict.
I'm not sure that I am capable of real love at this point in my life. I know I do not want him to be hurt. I did tell his lawyer all about how I was involved in the situation before he signed the plea. The lawyer asked D if six months less time was worth losing the kids even more than we already had (we only get visitation 50% of the week) and that honestly most of the time what happens is that the court gets the names and then the judge rejects the plea 90% of the time, and he would be sentenced to full time anyway. D said no, idk... He told me yesterday he has never been a snitch and never will be.
Either way, wrong or not, what's done is done, I am darn near 3 months sober now and have every intention of staying that way, one day at a time. I am done. I'm done with D. Done with the police, and the courts, the jail and the probation office and child protective services.
I am struggling because so much of me just wants to cut D out of my life now. I feel like my HP took him away for a reason. I feel like I should just be done. I'm so sick of the lifestyle and the legal problems.
but because of the nature of the situation I feel trapped. how dare I dump him when he is in there when I didn't get caught? I don't know... I'm really struggling with my decision about to divorce him or not. I'm not asking for anyone to tell me to stay or go either.
I should have dumped him a Looong time ago when I first came here and he went to rehab and everybody told me to run.