Lily1918

I hope it is ok if I just lay it all out here. I'm so very thankful for all of my friends here.

MIL and grandpa went first, in the morning. I went later, in the evening.

First of all, I am counting blessings in all of this, because god has been showing himself all day, but it was still very stressful, and difficult.

Grandpa is dying of colon cancer, and most likely will be gone before D is released. God is good though, because gpa is a pastor, and has been in prison ministry before, so it doesn't seem to effect his emotions the same way it does the rest of us. Even though D is only allowed 1 visit per week, gpas visits do not count because he was given an unlimited clergy pass. I think that is great! Gpa doesnt struggle with enabling the same way that I, gma, and MIL do.

The whole family sat down over the phone before the visit. gpa shared some scripture, and I shared the "what addicts say from jail" reading from this site. we are all going to communicate how much money is on Ds books. We decided that he will only be given the bare minimum. We do not want to continue to enable.

gma refuses to visit. She does not believe it would be healthy for her recovery, she shared her guilt about this, and we all encouraged her not to feel that way, and how important it is to put her serenity first.

I went alone, and the waiting room was so crowded and stunk of vomit and urine. I have seen cleaner dope houses. If that is the cleanest part of the jail, then I don't even want to think how bad the dormitories are. There were several crying babies and children. I have to admit I was guilty of judging those mothers. One of them actually changed the baby right there on the dirty floor. I was disgusted with them and mortified. D and I decided from the beginning that the children will NOT be visiting him AT ALL and the only way they will be seeing the inside of a jail is if they put themselves there when they are older.

I know that God was with me, and felt my desire to be in and out as quickly as possible, and this is how I know:

It was obvious I was a first timer, and one of the "veteran" women took compassion on me, and started explaining how the game is played, the dress code, unspoken rules that aren't posted... etc. I found out that some of them had been there, waiting to see their inmates since noon or even earlier. It was about 5pm when I got there!!! I prayed to the lord and said NO WAY God. I will not sit in this hell on earth for that long. I am going home after two hours and I will see AH in your timing. That disgusting waiting room was the first time I have ever really let go.

I was dumbfounded when my name was called after only 45 minutes. Some of the other women got angry, and there were mutters of me paying off the guards. I remembered that what other people think of me is none of my business, and walked through the steel door for inspection. Several women were sent away after waiting for hours and hours for various dress code violations, everything from jewelry to belts, shoelaces, belly rings, immodest clothing and inappropriate shoes. I felt my fear of being sent away begin to rise, and once again I was forced to let go and let god. after we went through a metal detector I was squeezed into a tiny room with 20 other people and a screaming baby. we were read the rules again. no hugs. no kisses. no physical contact of any kind. stay on your side of the table. no cross talk with other inmates. My head began to spin. Fear crept in again, I was sure I was going to break a rule and be banned from all visitation forever.

I get to the table and he was handcuffed to it, and chained to the floor. This time it was his turn to inspect my pupils. He admired the sobriety he could see in my eyes. He vented to me all about the things he was too afraid to tell grandma, and now I am venting this all to you because my sponsor is at work and I don't want to tell my dad. He said he is terrified, and has been kept safe only by the grace of god. He stopped and refused to say more, but I manipulated him into telling me. He said that he sees men get violated if you know what I mean. I don't want to type the R word, if they owe money or if they steal. He has seen a LOT of violence in the dormitory. Just last night a man was killed. and I KNOW there is more he wouldn't tell me and that is ok with me. I silenced him. I had heard enough.

Oh, I should add that this facility is NOT a prison. It is the county jail. He does not move to prison until sometime after January 7th. That is the date of his sentencing. He is being held in county because he pleaded guilty to a crime of holding narcotics (heroin)

As of right now, I am sitting on my balcony, enjoying the stars, and my freedom. It was My dope that was in his pocket the night he got arrested, and I praise god for his mercy, and I thank D for not giving the police my name in order to get a better plea. I don't feel guilt for him being there. If he had not had priors he would have been sent to rehab, not jail, although I did play a huge part in this because we were using together.

I feel peace. God will keep him safe if he behaves, and will send him to heaven if he does not. I want everyone reading this to understand that this was a GOOD experience for me and my recovery. It was very traumatizing, kinda like how kids get sent to tour the jail when they have behavioral problems.

thank you everyone, if you have read this far, and hugs to you all.
Lily