Devastated,
I was thinking about you this morning. I realized when dealing with my son last time that the disease of alcoholism took him over and he wasn't there anymore. I spent 3 wonderful months with him when he wasn't drinking. As soon as he drank he became a different person. I realized that I was no longer dealing with him, but with his disease. It wasn't him I was battling, but his disease.
You said your son was a meth user. You are battling his disease.
Years ago my son moved in with his girlfriend who was pregnant. They lived in another state. I went out to be there when the baby was born. It was a terrible disaster. My grandchild was born ill and almost died. My son was terribly drunk and almost killed us on the way to the hospital. He snuck a whole bottle before we got in the car. I sobbed through the whole labor because he was jealous of the doctors and abusive everytime they left the room. I came back home and he continued to be abusive. I had to sneak his girlfriend and baby away from him and hide her until I could get her on a plane to her mothers. I felt so bad for my son. He was devastated. I had to choose to protect the baby because she could not protect herself.
My son ended up following her to the other state. He slept in the woods and stole food to eat. He ended up being put in jail for abuse. They set him free and ordered him out of the state.
Recently he became abusive with me and threatened me by stabbing a knife in the fence right next to me. I realized that he could and probably would kill me if I let him stay around me. I sent him away. I had to realize that it was his disease I was sending away. It breaks my heart, but that is reality.
If my son had continued to threaten me I would have gotten a restraining order and had him put in jail if he violated it. A restraining order is very important if you want police protection. There is no easy way to handle this. It is heartbreaking. I know how wonderful my son is without this disease. To have to send him away because of this disease broke my heart. We are so powerless over this. All we can do is grieve and move ahead with our lives and pray that they are set free.
You are fighting a disease that wants you dead right now. Grieve and do what is necessary to protect yourself against this disease.
I wish I had a magic wand.
Hugs,
MG