I'm so sorry you are struggling today.
Having up & down days myself. It's only been 2 months but when he is choosing to be nice, I see the man I married and feel heartbroken and sympathetic. I tend to back off on moving forward. When he is defiant, angry and throwing insults & threats I get mad for what he continues to put me through.
The thing is - getting po'd lights a fire under my butt and gets me with the resolve to say to he** with you, I am going to do everything in my power to move myself forward.
Life changes for us all and I have to believe that one day I am going to wake up and none of this will matter anymore.
Hugs and prayers for you today.